The long-distance sex life

Sex on Monday


Long-distance relationships suck. I don’t recommend it; in fact, I would say avoid them if at all possible. Sometimes though, long-distance happens. Summers and semesters away from one another can be inevitable realities, and if the options are break up or suck it up, sometimes you have to deal with it as well as possible.

Of course, it is easier to agree to long-distance before the sex withdrawal hits. In truth, going long-distance may be the perfect time to pick up a gym habit, so at least you’re getting your endorphins somewhere. Added benefit: a better body to show off when back together.

Everyone may say that they’re going to the gym to get healthy, but “looking good naked” probably hovers near the top of their list of goals. Plus, squats, hanging leg raises and a host of other exercises strengthen your kegels, making for better orgasms. And a little yoga to improve flexibility can really open up doors, position-wise.

But while the endorphin boost is nice, anyone who says that exercise can replace sex is lying. The advice to “take the opportunity to get to know each other better as people,” is also a little off base. If I want to be having sex but can’t, that is pretty top-level in my consciousness.

Screw getting to know them as people — if you didn’t already like them, you wouldn’t be in this position. Really, it is an ideal time for getting to know each other’s fantasies.

My advice: write erotica.

Skype can be fun, and in some ways is inherently awesome, so it’s not that hard to figure out. I would say that as long as you remember that taking clothes off can be more fun than starting naked, as well as dispelling some initial awkwardness, you are pretty good to go. Check in the next day to see what you each liked best, and each call should be more fun than the last.

Erotica takes a little more finesse, though it can be more rewarding. It provides an opportunity to play out and test fantasies in a manner that is much lower pressure than in person. Even if you don’t get too far outside of standard sexuality, erotic writing allows you to explore each other’s personal kinks.

During sex can be an overwhelming time to try to catalog and remember, “Oh I really liked it when you …” Having sex in a written form means you can easily go back and say “what you described in this sentence gave me shivers.” Taking the time to write and then review with your partner means the next time you are together you will be armed with very specific information about what moves get you a ticket on the fast train to arousal.

Getting the ball rolling can be a bit of a hurdle, but once you start a back-and-forth of fantasy, it is quite easy to keep it up. Just like with Skype, checking in with each other on favorite bits isn’t solely educational. Experience allows for continual improvement with each email.

When starting out, writing can be intimidating, as there are certainly ways to do erotica wrong. Luckily, the wrong ways are pretty easy to spot. Don’t take your inspiration from bad dime store romance novels. If the phrases “throbbing member” or “wet heat” show up anywhere in your erotic email, you may want to re-evaluate not staying with Skype. Truly though, erotica doesn’t have to be daunting to write.

Sticking to the basics is a safe bet when referring to genitalia. Anything else can be either offensive, or downright funny. While laughter can bring you together, it’s not really the best result when you are going for sexy or sensual.

Overall, don’t worry how you are saying it, focus on what you are saying. Rather than trying to write poetically or with perfect prose, the goal is to not write jarringly.

There should be enough hormones flowing that it’s more about following along with a scene rather than how the scene is laid out. Focus on emotion and desire, and just let words flow. Describe what you feel, emotionally and physically, when thinking about the scenario you are writing. Use “you” and “I,” and focus on what you would be doing in the immediate scene.

If you need something to get yourself started, think of what you would do if your significant other showed up at your door. Writing as “I would” instead of “I am” can be a less awkward way to start, and easier to get out on paper. Though personally, I find erotica written for me in the immediate rather than supposition much hotter.

Though not ideal, distance doesn’t need to mean the end of your sex life. With a little communication, it could lead to long-term improvements.