Giving it some thought

Sex on Monday

sexonmonday11

In some ways, I am completely unqualified to write about being a virgin in college. I lost my virginity the summer before college to a boy I ended up dating for the next four years.
I also love sex.

But if someone hasn’t had sex, I just think that he or she should make a thought-out, informed decision. Other than that, I don’t really care, and I haven’t met anyone who does.

I do have opinions about virginity, though. Namely, the opinion that it isn’t that big of a deal — that people shouldn’t care whether they are, or aren’t, virgins.

And if they don’t care, no one else does either.

It’s not a mark of virtue, and it’s not a mark of shame to be drunkenly done away with at a frat party.

Being sex-positive doesn’t mean sex without thought, or just any sex for the sake of sex. Despite loving sex, I’m picky about my partners. And I think everyone should be, especially virgins.

A lot of people get the impression of being left behind by their peers if they are still virgins. Considering that, according to data from The Journal of Sexual Medicine, about 30 percent of people lose their virginity in the years immediately following high school graduation, it’s an understandable reaction. But even with that 30 percent going out and having sex, it is still less than two-thirds of college freshmen who have done the dirty.

In other words, there is definitely a bandwagon, but it’s not nearly as big as people make it out to be.

But if you are hopping the trend, there are a few things to keep in mind.

Hopefully, whomever you are planning to have sex with already knows you well enough that he or she knows you’re a virgin. If not, you need to tell your partner. He or she will know either way, so you may as well be the one who tells.

Guys may think that this advice only applies to females, what with the whole breaking of the hymen. Trust me, guys, your partner will know, too.

Or just assume that you’re terrible in bed.

Angles are weird, figuring out what to do, where things are and where to put things is a bit of a process. It only takes a few times to get everything down, but there is a learning curve.

It is better to have a partner who knows you don’t have a clue and is willing to help you along than one who expects you to know what you’re doing and gets annoyed when you don’t.

But even before mechanics come into play, there are condoms. Getting one on is largely easy, but it can take practice.

Trying in advance can give you the confidence to actually go through with using a condom. It can also bypass the rather wilting effect they often have on penises the first few uses.

Men pretty commonly lose their erections the first time they try to get a condom on. It’s not a difficult process once you get the hang of it, but it can take a little wrangling.

Women, as mentioned, have a whole different set of problems going into their first experience with sex. Namely the fact that women have a hymen.

Unless they don’t.

Tampons, physical activity, bikes, horseback riding and a host of other things completely unrelated to sex can break a woman’s hymen long before a penis gets the chance. And there is no real way to tell outside of a gynecological exam, or just going for it.

As someone who did have a hymen, I can tell you it wasn’t that bad. But, as someone who re-pierced her own ears using a needle sterilized in alcohol, my pain threshold may not be the best measuring stick. One thing I do know from talking to several women is that if it hurts enough that you need to stop, you should see a doctor.

There are various conditions that make sex impossible — or at least very painful — without medical intervention, including an unusually thick hymen. It is better to just make an appointment to see what may be going on than dealing with the stress of trying, being in pain and learning to hate sex.

Sex should be fun, and that isn’t a hard goal to achieve.

Setting yourself up for success by having a partner whom you genuinely like, and who genuinely likes you, makes it easier. And, as always, communication is important. Whether it’s your first time, or any time after that, openly talking with your partner makes everything go more smoothly.

Sex will not always be mind-blowing. If you hit that on your first try, congratulations: you’re a sex god. But sex should always be fun.

Because if it isn’t going to be fun, what’s the point of doing it at all?

Please keep our community civil. Comments should remain on topic and be respectful.
Read our full comment policy
  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_WRACM77JT2RXUR3LMGDPPUGUYY Tony M

    Some things are best left unshared – this column is one of them…

  • Nathan

    “Sex is supposed to be something enjoyed between two committed people who
    love each other, not something you drunkenly let happen to you at a
    frat party[...]

    Unless you’re a stupid slut.”

    Though I do not agree with Ms. Chase’s wording in regards to the “frat party” (the sentence doesn’t feel connected to the larger piece), the fact that your willing to take one aspect of a life and apply a subjective sense of reasoning that invalidates everything you don’t know about that person, speaks more of your own ability and character than it does this hypothetical “stupid slut.” 

    I’m  hoping for the larger UCB community that these comments are either done in a sense of parody or from people not affiliated with the school. All of these comment speak poorly not of political alignment or “virtues” but of the basic traits that allow human beings to care and understand as opposed to feeling superior and thus given the allowance of dismissing any idea that one may believe contrary to their own nature or how they perceive humans “should be.”

    Fairly disheartening…

  • guest

    “Its not a mark of virtue, and it’s not a mark of shame to be drunkenly done away with at a frat party.”
    The first time I read the sentence it was unclear to me as well. The “it”  being referred to you is virginity. The implication is that being a virgin is not a mark of shame that you need to get rid of at the earliest opportunity by going to frat party and getting drunk and finding the first random person. Being a virgin is not a bad thing that you need to erase. 
    I understand the confusion, but if you read the rest of the article it becomes clear that the first interpretation of that sentence makes no sense.

    Also “people should care whether they are, or aren’t, virgins” clearly is talking about not letting OTHER people’s opinions change your beliefs or make you feel bad about yourself.

  • Kotoula01

    What freaking planet are you on? ‘It’s not a mark of shame to be drunkenly done away with at a frat party’?  Are you kiding?  It must be a mark of something cuz usually when the female wakes up and realizes how BAD she feels about it, she decides to assuage her slutty guilt by claiming ‘rape’ cuz there’s no WAY she would have consented to something so degrading…lol.  Western society deserves to be plundered if these are the opinions of the supposed ‘educated’ among us.  Sex is supposed to be something enjoyed between two committed people who love each other, not something you drunkenly let happen to you at a frat party. Unless you’re a stupid slut.

  • Monad76

    Of course there maybe no shame in a woman having sex with everyone and their dog, but others are quite within their right to discriminate and judge those actions. 

    Such is life.

  • Anonymous

    “…people shouldn’t care whether they are,
    or aren’t, virgins. ”

    I’m a virgin, and a proud one. I won’t let someone tell me that I shouldn’t care.

    • guest

       “people should care whether they are, or aren’t, virgins” clearly is talking about not letting OTHER people’s opinions change your beliefs or make you feel bad about yourself. You shouldn’t care what other people think about the fact that you are a virgin, not NOT care about the fact that you made a conscious choice to be one.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MYE33I4TTQKWXST7YHLXWAM57Y Captain Morgan

    “Because if it isn’t going to be fun, what’s the point of doing it at all?”

    Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.

    • Guest

      The Captain thinks sex should be endured for the good of society.

  • Guest

    “not a mark of shame to be drunkenly done away with at a frat party”
    I suspect that your family might have a different view.

  • Guest

    It’s not a mark of virtue, and it’s not a mark of shame to be drunkenly done away with at a frat party.
    Unless you regret it afterward. Then it’s rape, remember? Isn’t that what the feminist campus rape industry has to say on the matter? The hypocrisy with you ****ing people is unbelievable. 

    • Guest

      it = the mark of shame (virginity). She is saying that someone is mistaken to do away for that mark for its own sake. Your desire to be outraged is reading “it’s not a mark of shame to *have it* drunkenly done away with.” That’s not what’s written here. She is not saying “It’s not slutty if…”

      YOu really need to learn how to read.

      • Guest

        Honestly, she needs to learn how to write.  If most readers misunderstand, the writer is at fault.