My computer might as well be named Jesus, because it’s risen from the dead more times than I can count.
Now I’m certainly not blaming Hewlett-Packard; this one’s all on me. But I just can’t help myself. Trojan virus overdoses be damned, I’m hopelessly hooked on StumbleUpon.
The search engine is undoubtedly dangerous, and not simply because the majority of generated websites are a hotbed for computer-infecting viruses. Nah, that’s child’s play compared to how quickly and stealthily it infected my mind. Alas, my after school routine of idle television and Internet viewing has never been the same.
In my defense, it might be the most addicting thing on the Internet. It’s just so easy! And free! All I had to do was check off boxes next to certain things I enjoy, and BAM! Suddenly I’m hitting a button on the top left corner of my computer screen and discovering completely useless websites I never knew existed.
Are you interested in Central America and ancient history? Well, in less time than it takes to sign up for GEICO — 15 minutes, as I’ve been told — you could be reading an article on the most bizarre creatures to ever walk on planet Earth. Ever heard of the Argentavis? Thanks to StumbleUpon, I could enlighten you on the habits of a bird roughly the size of a Cesna 152 airplane that roamed Argentina six million years ago.
My own interests are far too varied and at times nonsensical or contradictory. For instance, apparently there is a great and glaring difference between pets and exotic pets, which explains why I’m so often redirected to websites on the proper care of one’s hedgehog. And I didn’t even know that I actually liked cartoons, conspiracies or classic films. But they’re all right there on my list of interests, so it must be true. Yet StumbleUpon somehow seems to anticipate what I like and I’m what in the mood for even before I’ve made up my mind. If I need some cheering up, then an adorable picture of a cuddly puppy magically appears on my screen. If I just want to shamelessly rage, then fratmusic.com inevitably surfaces. It’s freaky, really. Like a multimedia Pandora on steroids.
In the year or so since I joined the StumbleUpon community, I’ve watched far too many gamboling kitten videos, learned crazy random facts and heard some off-the-hook mashups (Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor versus Jay-Z’s Run This Town is unadulterated genius).
Actually, now that I’m reflecting on it, 99 percent of the things I’ve stumbled upon (StumbleUpon’ed?) are a total waste of time. Sometimes it astounds me that I can expend hours staring blankly at my computer screen as I read, for the umpteenth time, some obscure fact about the filming of the Star Wars franchise. In fact, StumbleUpon can get boring faster than my most recent bSpace reading assignment. Without social interaction a la Facebook, it’s about as passive and solitary as the Internet can be. What else do you need to do besides click one button and scroll down the screen every so often?
So why do I keep coming back for more?
Like I said, this thing is addicting beyond belief. For starters, it does all the heavy lifting for me. I don’t need to venture forth all on my lonesome through the overwhelming world of online searches, because StumbleUpon has already done all the work. It entices me with the promise of information, photographs and videos hitherto unimagined — it drags me in with its zenlike balance of hilarious, breathtaking and thought-provoking material. Plus, it’s an amazing tool to utilize during (continuous) bouts of procrastination — not that any of us studious collegians ever succumb to such nasty habits, of course.
But above all, even if 99 percent of StumbleUpon is useless filler, there’s still that 1 percent that’s pure gold.
For me, that 1 percent is manifested in philosophical quotes (mainly by Ernest Hemingway and Chuck Palahniuk, those founts of worldly straight talk), exotic travel destinations such as Petra and, yeah, bizarre facts that most Jeopardy contestants would drool over. It’s also where I get the majority of my “original” Tumblr posts (yeah, I’m addicted to Tumblr, too, but that’s another story).
Who knows? When all is said and done, viewed and relished, I’m just a sucker for a good mystery. It’s the whole idea of the unknown that keeps me coming back. What will I find next? What else is out there that I haven’t yet uncovered? And what laughably lame and unrelated website will StumbleUpon regurgitate?
As John Lennon once said, “time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.” And despite the hindrances and annoyances, I enjoy myself immensely whenever I log on to StumbleUpon.
So if you’ll excuse me, I’m signing off. I’ve got a Mean Girls/Harry Potter gif website that’s calling my name.