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During a recent post-lecture hookup, I remembered an article I had read a couple of years ago about the shape of the human penis. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t bored, but working some handy magic down his basketball shorts definitely made it natural for the shape of it to come to mind. I mean, it’s kind of funny shaped if you think about it.

The article in question, by Jesse Bering, appeared in Scientific American in April of 2009 and discussed the findings of Gordon Gallup of the State University of New York at Albany on the biological reasons for the shape of the penis. The conclusions and theories he poses are quite interesting and thought provoking.

For one, he created the “semen displacement theory,” which states that the head and coronal ridge formed underneath it are for insemination insurance purposes. Meaning, given the customary thrusting during sexytime, these features help their owner scoop out the juice left in his ladyfriend by previous dudes and leave his way up there. No one gets to make babies with her but him.

The other interesting emergence from Gallup’s studies is that long separations and suspicions of female infidelity lead to more aggressive thrusting during intercourse. This also goes back to the insemination insurance need. If a dude thinks that his ladyfriend cheated, he goes at it harder and deeper to make sure he is the one making babies with her. Or, if he hasn’t seen her in a while, he also goes at it harder and deeper just in case she might have gotten lonely during his absence and had some bed-rocking fun with other dudes. Again, the mission is to make sure he’s making babies with her, and no one else.

Although I can’t personally verify the first finding, I have observed the second one. For example, after having very, very regular bedroom time with an ex, summer break began and upon reuniting about a month later, “harder and deeper” thrusting would have almost been an understatement. That was a fun night —no babies ensued, contrary to the supposed goal. And I’m sure that many of you out there know exactly what I (and Gallup) am talking about.

Gallup’s last hypothesis is a quite amusing one. Theoretically, a woman can get pregnant by a man with whom she never actually had sex (scary or potentially exciting?). How does it work? You should read Bering’s simple explanation (or another one here if you are in love with Ryan Gosling and would like some hope about your chances of having his kid).

And so I continued the aforementioned handy work. Hmm — this is indeed and interesting shape, I thought. The pinnacle of sexual design? Maybe.

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