This “Thing” has survived three cinematic reincarnations, and there could be more I don’t know about. What begins as the short story “Who Goes There?” by John W. Campbell Jr. becomes “The Thing From Another World” (1951), which is B-horror bliss. Then John Carpenter directs “The Thing” (1982), with that dark ’80s horror feel that makes you feel dirty inside and out. Carpenter’s “Thing” is almost universally recognized for being the best, and it is. Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.’s “The Thing” replicates the previous film’s DNA while morphing into a prequel.
This new, visual effects-laden version ends where Carpenter’s version begins. The end credit sequence will have fan boys squealing and writhing, as it restages the 1982 iteration’s final moments.
Van Heijningen’s film continues the tradition in Antarctica. A team of Norwegian scientists discover a spacecraft buried deep beneath the frozen surface, so they call on Kate (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) — whose profession I really can’t be sure of — and Adam (Eric Christian Olsen) to take a look at the thing. Down there we meet the macho Braxton (Joel Edgerton), whose role here is pretty vague except to kick alien ass, and a few other shifty-eyed bearded fellows. Their only narrative purpose is to die by the tentacles of their mutant colleagues.
Near the spaceship, the team finds a frozen specimen, a big ole, stiff octopus-like thingy. But this creature, and the hoard of others that gets reproduced, devours its victims and recreates their DNA so it can disguise itself as one of us (shpooky, eh?).
We know that Kate and Braxton will survive because they are the most attractive people in this wintry wonderland of hell. Kate is the character whose suspicions, science, rationality and sexiness are supposed to be aligned with ours. But as for the rest of the crew, well, they are all just smoked salmon at the end of the day, thanks to said tentacles and a surfeit of flamethrowers that seem to be on infinite ammo mode. Unlike Carpenter’s “Thing,” nary a well-developed character, nor a Kurt Russell, can be found here.
The creatures are overkill. While Carpenter kept many of his monsters in the shadows, scaring by connotation, van Heijningen never hesitates to show and even embellish every head-splitting, chest-piercing, flesh-burning moment. In this film, there is a logic of heads. Any head can split into two, and any two heads can conjoin. Generally, if you believe someone is about to explode and turn into a human-sized, malformed, jellyfish-grasshoper thing, they probably are. You’ll also be checking your teeth in the theater. Kate is able to discern who is a creature or not by way of their fillings because the aliens, though they can reproduce human DNA, cannot copy inorganic material. So basically, in this world, if you have good teeth, you are doomed for persecution.
The film is also replete with jump scares, which grows predictable after awhile, and plenty of “Why won’t you die?” or “How did you really survive being stabbed with a tentacle and crashing and burning in a helicopter?” kind of moments.
While “The Thing” is certainly harmless — in some sense of that word — it completely lacks the magic of Carpenter’s version, back when horror wasn’t so much a commodity as it was a genuine cultural event. Though we can at least admire the studios for producing a horror movie that, for once, has an R-rating and isn’t necessarily tailor-made for the kiddies.
Ryan Lattanzio is the lead film critic.
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