They came for frozen treasure

Christopher Coulter Columnist

Hello, beautiful Berkeley. Because of the swell of interest in my recent column promoting the bulk dispersal of our overachieving genes, I thought it would be a good idea to help get the balls rolling, as they say. I initiated the process and have done some of the work (but not all the work) for you. In order to more easily facilitate a brighter and higher achieving future for humanity, I searched long and hard for a sperm bank that would be ready and willing to spread our Berkeley seed.

But I should probably clarify — my search was easy. And let me just say this — I wasn’t the least bit surprised to find a sperm bank within shooting distance of our statured institution. If you have read my column, you know that there is an understanding of UC Berkeley’s responsibility to the gene pool, and would you believe it, right here in our midst is one of the nation’s most visionary sperm banks!

Because it is a nonprofit incorporation, this facility operates with more than the bottom line in mind. Thus, it should come as no surprise that the first visionary sperm bank to serve lesbian and unmarried women also found it prudent to set up shop two blocks from our prestigious campus and the thousands of genetically affluent students ready to invigorate humanity’s watered down gene pool.

The Sperm Bank of California chose Berkeley, and they chose it for a reason — the propagation of exemplary human beings depends on the large concentration of quality genetic material within close proximity to depository centers. By choosing Berkeley, SPBC positioned itself for access to trillions of potential geniuses in the making (naturally, anyone under 5 foot 7 inches is restricted — why not choose a tall genius).

Its certainly no secret to ourselves what we have going here, but it’s nice to know that an organization in the business of providing and screening for the most desirable potential humans felt it prudent to open its doors within 1500 feet of our center of higher learning.

And I want to make this clear — our proximity to bulk fertility distribution is not just an anomaly, my pretties — Berkeley is of the chosen ones.

There is no sperm bank next to SFSU. There is no sperm bank next to UCSB. No sperm bank by UCSD or UCSC. No, no sperm depositories near Yale, Penn, Dartmouth, Cornell, Brown or Princeton. You just won’t find these facilities near average, or even good academic institutions.

But I want to admit something to you, reader. I hoped to tell you that not even Stanford could boast a sperm bank vying to get at its student bodies. Alas, that is not the case. Though truth be told, I can hardly blame California Cryobank for deciding to go forward with their second choice location — business is business, and Stanford hopefully presents them some viable options. But I want to tell you, I discovered something after examining their website, and it proved to me a thing profound: In order to make up for a lack of access to UC Berkeley genetic material, California Cryobank must have deemed it necessary to expand to five locations — Stanford, Harvard, Columbia, and UCLA, and another in one of the fly-over states for good measure. Hey, I guess when you can’t get the highest quality, quantity will have to do.