Scouting report on Stanford

The Daily Cal sports staff shares its thoughts on the past, present and future of Stanford University.

Danielle Alojado
Danielle Alojado

The origins of the university

The death of Leland Stanford’s only son presented the tycoon with an opportunity. All the other robber barons in the League of Rich Ass Gentlemen had grand memorials, and J.P. Morgan’s smack-talking was getting annoying. Stanford’s horse farm, where he used to trip out on peyote with his college buddies, smelled like manure all the time, so the tycoon decided to make a university on the land.

He had no idea what a university was, so he scribbled down what he thought Harvard looked like.

Stanford had one main stipulation for his junior college: The school would be co-educational. This got the college good press, but was enacted because Leland never saw a sorority girl he didn’t like.

Throughout his life, he was afflicted with a disorder in which he could not control his body movements, a plague that has affected many of the graduates of his institution, including, tragically, Tiger Woods.

The most famous graduate of Stanford was a horrid President, and Reese Witherspoon left because the guys were ugly.

Famous alumni and bathroom breaks

There is a rumor that Tiger Woods once had sex with the Stanford Golf Course.

The Golf Course couldn’t be reached for comment on the matter. I guess that Stanford degree is seen as attractive to a whole lot of cocktail waitresses. Oh wait, Tiger Woods doesn’t have a Stanford degree. Good thing the university continues to advertise him as a prominent alum.

It should also be noted that golfer Michelle Wie and NBA center Robin Lopez once dated when they were at Stanford. Should they get back together, I’ve already called dibs on their children, so I can cast them in the next Geico caveman commercial.

I went to a Stanford football game about 10 years ago and the port-a-potty I entered had wood paneling and one of those fluffy toilet seat covers. I wish I were lying. Let’s not get into the economic disparity between Stanford, Calif., and East Palo Alto. Then it just gets sad.

Tiger, for the last time, get off the damn golf course.

The Stanford Tree

There are some pretty bad college mascots in the NCAA (see Ohio State, Syracuse, etc.), but none rival the atrocity that is the Stanford tree. It’s one thing to have an inanimate object as a mascot, but Stanford takes the absurdity to a new level, giving its tree creepy bug-eyes and a redneck smile that make it look like it’s a little slow upstairs (the fact that the tree often goes without pants isn’t helping it’s case in this regard).

And if that wasn’t enough, the tree likes to get itself in trouble, having been kicked out of a Cal-Stanford basketball game for being completely drunk off its trunk (and blowing a .157 BAC).

While the tree is the mascot for the collection of Stanford students who own instruments (not a band), the university has distanced itself from it (for obvious reasons), claiming to not have an official mascot. And as lame as that sounds, filling that void with a dumb tree would be infinitely worse.