Sports

On top of the hilly town of Berkeley, where the canyons smelled of strawberry
Lived old Uncle Tedford and two coaches with whom he struck a chord.
One was named Tosh, the other Kiesau. Both able to recruit all they saw.
Loyalty etched into their manly law, to dare leave Cal required some chutzpah.

When Uncle Tedford rebuilt his Memorial, the Golden Bears thought it was the final puzzle.
Many began to cheer along frat rows, thinking they smelled a long-forgotten Rose.
Tedford ordered Tosh and Kiesau not much. “Just bring me Kline, Treggs, Shaq and such.”
They did so and in recruiting they were clutch, and merry fans began singing of the Highland Dutch.

But lurking behind the mountainous dark, was a purple-clad man we’ll call Cutty Sark.
Jealous to the bone and with tons of cash, he imagined Cal football turning to ash.
No matter how much passion with which he worked, Cutty Sark finished with another 7-6 record.
This winter he was even more frosty and irked, as he got his ass whooped by Robert Griffin the Third.

So Cutty Sark carried out what he had planned. With a full suitcase of cash in his hand,
Cutty Sark first snuck into Tosh’s house, deftly and silently as a mouse.
He awoke Tosh who slept like a cub, knocking out the sturdy Golden Bear with a club.
Then with eyes that looked like that of Beelzebub, Cutty Sark hypnotized Tosh to join him at U-Dub.

The night after abducting the ex-Golden Bear, Cutty Sark wanted more because he didn’t care.
Cutty Sark snuck into Kiesau’s place, now carrying an even bigger suitcase,
Cutty Sark offered co-coordinator and tripled his salary, also by Lake Washington his own boat gallery.
Kiesau was so swooned he forgot about Oski, for all he can dream of was being a Husky.

Poor Uncle Tedford was shocked when he heard the news. “What on earth am I going to tell the Old Blues?”
When Cal had a top-10 class things were dandy as a flower, and now he has to douse Cal fans with this cold shower.
With some recruits’ commitment looking shaky, Uncle Tedford’s heart felt so achy.
As his future plans begin to look ever so creaky, to drown his sorrow Tedford  resorted to drinking Cutty Sark whiskey.