Opinion

Oh, pornography. Such a fascinating industry. Taboo in most cultures, yet celebrated yearly at the Adult Video News Awards, porn is most certainly cherished as much as it is persecuted. Being a college kid, it has obviously crossed my path, from my own viewing pleasure, to a friend showing me his house’s shared online porn collection and even some guys’ often confusing moves in bed.

In this column, I was asked to tackle the ways, if existing, in which porn influences our young adult expectations of sex. Given the amount of dude friends with whom I discuss sex on a regular basis, the “educational” component of porn is definitely one I can immediately point to as an influence on men’s expectations. Take, for instance, the “porn progression.” The general sequence for most porns (which, according to my spell check, is not a word that can be pluralized) usually goes as follows: the acting, the stripping, the blowing, the fucking, the blowing, the fucking, the facializing and the smiling. Now, first off, nobody in their right mind should be smiling when a hot load of man juice has just been sprayed all over their face. But then again, those are paid actresses, and everyone has their price.

Next, although this formula is nice, it’s not the only way to go about it. What about quickies? Sometimes, you just want some rapid vag-pounding (which, is also not a word according to spell check; someone needs to get on that).  Rarely are quickies, in their true state, depicted in porn — I am not including the five-minute clips as they, too, usually include all the classic elements, albeit performed faster.

Upon casually polling some of my dude friends, the expectation — no, almost assumption! — that girls are always down for threesomes is another ridiculous way in which porn seems to influence the young men of our generation. Actually, a study found that many of the young women who admitted to having “multi-partner sex acts,” felt pressured by their partner who often got the idea from porn.

Awesome.

Oh, and then there are the “cool” sex moves boys learn from porn.  Once upon a time, after a long night of classic weekend partying, I brought home a friend of mine with whom I had always had a flirtatious relationship.  Everything was progressing normally.  First the tipsy and flirty conversation, followed by the trip to the bed, the making out, the shedding of clothes, etc. I was having a good ol’ time!

And then it happened.

In total porn fashion, he pulled his dick out of me, and slapped my clit area with it a few times.

“Dude, what was that for?”

“Um, I’m not sure. Doesn’t it … ?”

“No, it doesn’t. It does not do anything. At all.”

“Oh. Sorry about that.”

So there you have it, the bright young men of our generation not only do these bizarre porn-only moves, but also seem to think they are a good idea. Super.

This actually brings me back to the original question of how porn has influenced my own expectations of sex. I would say that, as a girl, it has influenced me in a way that parallels the common influence it has on dudes.  While they are taught that chicks should look like Jenna Jameson, moan as loudly as Katie Morgan and be abused like Sasha Grey, I watch in terror and frustration as I realize the expectations they will have. Clearly, this is what they would love to have in their own bed, complete with crazy antics, acrobatics and perfectly round and perky boobs. I also realize that I will surely disappoint one, some, or many of them with my lack of a perfect fake tan, Barbie doll make-up, lollipop figure and eagerness to be objectified and treated like a sex slave.

I mean, fellas, this is all so ridiculous.  No, you cannot surprise-facialize us or call us bitches and sluts repeatedly the whole entire time. It’s not fun, much less comfortable. But unfortunately, I know you secretly dream of doing it, and I would get so many brownie points in your book if I let you do it. How sad.

So what are these “great sexpectations” created by porn? I guess I would say that models of sex found in porns (I’m still fighting the spell check!) feed upon the most carnal of human desires. You know, the domination thing and all that. Unfortunately, like all models, they only function given a certain set of assumptions — thank you, economics, for teaching me this. Furthermore, those assumptions apply only to, well, porn stars. The rest of us, real people, are likely out of luck.

Great.

I guess I should just continue to work on my technique. I’m sure I can pick up something from Jenna, Katie and Sasha.

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