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As a companion piece to the puff piece — I mean the column — I wrote this week about the upcoming 84^th Academy Awards, which airs this Sunday, I thought I would share my picks and predictions for what seems destined to be yet another relatively safe and predictable Oscar year. You probably will never read this, and you probably didn’t read my column (there it is again) but if you did, kudos, you! Enjoy as I forcibly levy my unsolicited opinions upon you!

BEST PICTURE

Will win: The Artist (dir. Michel Hazanavicius)

Should win: The Tree of Life (dir. Terrence Malick)

Wouldn’t be surprised: Hugo (dir. Martin Scorsese)

Should’ve been nominated: Margaret (dir. Kenneth Lonergan)

BEST ACTRESS

Will win: Viola Davis, The Help

Should win: Rooney Mara, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Giving me anxiety already: Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady

Should’ve been nominated: Tilda Swinton, We Need to Talk About Kevin

BEST ACTOR

Will win: Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Should win: Gary Oldman, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

Making me hot under the collar: George Clooney, The Descendants

Should’ve been nominated: Peyman Maadi, A Separation

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Will win: Octavia Spencer, The Help

Should win: Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids

Wouldn’t be surprised: Berenice Bejo, The Artist

Should’ve been nominated: J. Smith-Cameron, Margaret

BEST DIRECTOR

Will win: Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist

Should win: Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life

Oh why the hell not: Martin Scorsese, Hugo

Should’ve been nominated: Lars von Trier, Melancholia

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:

Will win: Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris

Should win: Asghar Farhadi, A Separation or J.C. Chandor, Margin Call

This probably will happen and I am just too much of a sucker: Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist

Should’ve been nominated: Kenneth Lonergan, Margaret

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Will win (because it has to win something): Alexander Payne & Nat Faxon & Jim Rash, The Descendants

Should win: The Descendants

Possible upset: John Logan, Hugo

Should’ve been nominated: Lynne Ramsay, We Need to Talk About Kevin