Dear dude population: When it comes to going down south, please get it right. I’m not kidding. Not only are we still dealing with too many of you thinking that you’re totally entitled to your beloved BJs yet don’t have to oblige us, but even when you do, it’s often a disappointing, if not cringeworthy, experience.
Now, I’m sure many of you are thinking, “What’s the big fucking deal?!” Well, for one, I’m sure that you really wouldn’t be happy if every time your dick was in a girl’s mouth, your biggest wish at that moment was to get it out of there ASAP. Yeah, welcome to our world.
But another super important reason why it is a big fucking deal is that for some of us, that’s our only ticket to the big O.
Yep, you read that right. In case you missed my deeply-buried-inthe-interwebs spiel from last semester about faking orgasms, let me repeat some really important stats. The fact of the matter is that only about a third of us have vaginal orgasms almost every time, a third of us do sometimes and a third of us never do that way.
Now, imagine only finishing part of the time — or worse: never. Scary and sad, huh?
Nevertheless, I bet you’re still thinking the usual: You don’t have the same parts as us, you don’t know how they work or feel, we all have our unique preferences down there, blah, blah, blah.
Get over yourself.
Now, pay attention.
Ever heard of saliva? Good, because you should use it. The whole time. I mean, you like your blowjobs all nice and wet, right? OK, then apply the same policy to us. I still have no idea why some of you forget to keep the lubrication happening down there. It just feels like you’re rubbing us with a terry cloth or something. Definitely not the yummy feeling we’re looking for.
Plus, I bet that Sahara effect is not making this endeavor any easier for you. Let’s apply some physics here — all that friction has got to be slowing down your tongue’s up-anddown, side-to-side, circular, figureeight or whatever other motions you’ve come up with. No wonder you complain about how hard and strenuous it is. So do yourself a favor and go ahead and slobber all over it (reasonably, of course).
And speaking of tongue acrobatics: calm the fuck down. I don’t know what kind of Cirque du Soleil show you’re trying to put on down there, but my clit and vagina are not the stage for that. Save that for your next ice cream cone — I bet the ice cream won’t complain like I will. It’s so distracting when you’re doing all that crazy stuff down there and I would like to focus on crossing the finish line. Again, imagine if I was all over your dick like an enraged animal. Not such a great idea now, is it?
Oh, and of course that do-the-alphabet-with-your-tongue tip you’ve probably read in a silly men’s magazine or heard from your roommate is complete nonsense. It’s not going to do anything except help you lose points in my book.
And here’s another way to put this into perspective for you. When you jack off, what do you do: a bunch of different “cool” moves on your dick that you switch up every two seconds or the same perfect back-and-forth motion that ends in elation every single time? Yeah, that’s what I thought. So what makes you think we are different?!
Just try some different directions and motions, pay attention to her reactions and stick with the few that get the best response.
Oh, and go at it with a medium pressure (or again, whatever gets you the best reaction). In case you haven’t noticed, it’s a gentle area down there, so you don’t need to assault it.
As for your fingers, I hate to break it to you, but unless you’re dealing with a chick who’s blessed with a G-spot you can easily make sing with your fingers, take it easy with that too. It’s nice that you’re using your digits, and I’m def appreciating it, but less is more. The clitoral nerves actually extend all the way inside, so your fingers are there to give us a nice feeling of fullness, not much else. Mind-blowing, right?
And lastly, please commit to this. You can’t half-ass this. It’s probably going to take a while (depending on how turned on I already am and how much you’ve perfected your technique), so you better be in for the long haul. Don’t complain, remind yourself of how awesome it’s going to be once you’ve brought me to the point of ecstasy, put your mouth on there and go for it. Just freakin’ commit.
Now, I know that some ladies out there may disagree, and some fellas are going to chalk this up to an angry girl rant, and that’s OK. To each his own. Ladies, feel free to want something completely different. Just make sure you communicate what you want. And dudes, if you think you’ve got this down already, then I applaud you!
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You go girl. I admire your honesty.
Huh? Is this the Playboy or Hustler site? Freedom of speech, how liberating. But please, have some class. There is a place for everything. This is the Daily Cal, not Mr. Hefner’s site. You should forward your resume to him. You may just fit right in.
Really degrading and offensive to all men, Kia. For your information, it’s easy to write trash like this. Not impressive at all.
Wow. I just randomly found myself reading this article, and I’m actually shocked to find this garbage on a university-sponsored newspaper. There’s nothing wrong with being sexual, but this is just straight vulgar. I would expect to find this on sexual encounters post on craigslist, not actually the Berkeley paper. Either way, I’m sure your parents are proud of you. I’m by no means sexist, but writing this garbage in the name of feminism is bullshit. Imagine had a man written this. People would be flipping a shit. That all being said, I hope you and your partners have gotten your HPV vaccines. All of this bad oral sex you are having can lead to some serious health issues, like oral cancer. Good luck.
wow what a fucking wannabe bitch. get outta here lady, you’re writing for kindergardeners.
My penis went to sleep reading this. ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZz….
Hi, Kia. I’m not a student–I’m probably old enough to be your mother. But I’ve done a lot of living and a lot of loving in all these years. Without universalizing it to all men or women: this column is the most clear and straightforward articulation I’ve ever seen of the sorts of things I’ve had to articulate to most of the men I’ve gotten busy with. If the young ladies of Cal had the confidence to put this material into their own words, and just break it down just like this (with a sassy smile, perhaps) when necessary, campus would be a much more satisfied place!
I’m sorry, but all these comments are really amusing.
Let’s be quite honest here: oral is pretty much all a giant power-play. Someone is put in a situation in which they can either be controlled (choking on dick, stuffed in a muff) or have all the control (there’s some sensitive parts near teeth in this situation). To think that we should light 1000 tea candles before going down on someone is ridiculous. Of course we’re objectifying each other to a certain extent, that’s what makes it fun. Communication is good, but who says it has to be verbal? Body language is all-too-often ignored, and unfortunately the stereotype is that men are the one ignoring it.
She should be condescending because if dudes are going to expect a bj from her, they better know how to reciprocate – she’s allowed to choose her own standards, and getting good head is one of them.
Now stuff that dick in your mouth or shove that dudes face in your trap, you all you (gender neutral) sluts!
Okay, YOU need to be writing these articles. FOR REALZ!!!!!!! Out of curiosity, you a guy or a gal writing this very insightful little thang?
Dude. I just listen to my fair share of Dan Savage.
This column would be a valuable tool in opening a frank dialogue about gender equality and sexual generosity, were it not so condescending and presumptuous as to be completely self defeating. Perhaps the author has slept with some men who did not know how to properly please her; that is indeed a shame, but instead of recognizing her role in that ineptitude, she patronizes the other party. The so-called sex columnist fails to recognize that all women like something a little different, and the productive way to ensure her own satisfaction would be to give a little instruction. Yes, perceptiveness to a partner’s reaction is important, but it certainly isn’t everything. If this is an attempt to address a frustration with men not putting in the effort, then point taken, perhaps that is a problem. But condescension is a far cry from dialogue.
Or, at least if you are going to be condescending, try to actually be humorous.
Finally, someone writing realistic articles for the Daily Cal! I’m so sick of those other editorials from these people who seemingly don’t know a thing about sex or are basically sexist. I’m so glad to finally read a more adult perspective!
doing the alphabet with your tongue? is that really a thing?
If that picture above is of the author then no wonder why she writes articles like this. She is a guaranteed virgin. We have all come to know Berkeley Goggles extremely well, and this crustacean would rank at the bottom of the bottom. Even EECS majors wouldn’t touch her. When feeding at the bottom you can’t expect perfection. Kia, good luck writing for the Street Spirit next year.
What? Perfection? You guys don’t even know what you’re doing down there and most girls are too shy and desperate to tell you so. I’m glad to read an article telling girls that it’s ok to be honest with your partner about his lack of skills.
I got news for you: every other woman than you and the author are getting off with their guys. It’s just you.
Thank you for dismissing the experiences of every woman who has ever encountered this problem. Glad to know sexism is still alive and thriving…
I don’t know whether to say something really chauvinistic or just to reiterate that it’s all in your head and that you and the author, once again, or the only ones missing out on all the fun. Me and my chick (excuse me, significant other) are just laughing while we taunt you some.
Hey John Franklin, that’s a truly inspiring post; I thought we’d left this stunning combination of meanness and inaccuracy behind in middle school, but I was totally wrong! Cruelty and pettiness can still spring from supposedly-mature adults. Thanks for the reminder. FYI there are tons of tweens and high schoolers writing things like this about each other all over Facebook – you should talk to some of them, they sound like your peeps.
Kia, if that IS you, you’re adorable, and I’d do anything to have your hair, which is perfect, along with the rest of you. Also, I laughed aloud several times at your article; thoroughly enjoyed it. I think you’re a talented writer.
As a sex-positive woman, this is crass and downright nauseating. If you had said something of substance other than berate men for not getting you off correctly, then I’d be okay with an article as frank as this one. But realistically, who gave you the right to objectify men? It sucks when women are treated as sex objects, no? How about try a little communication during sex next time… I know, radical, right? Try a little tenderness. It works much better than a passive-aggressive article.
What the fuck is a “sex-positive woman?” You throw that term out as if it qualifies you in some way? You are a creepy woman, Slevis.
It means slut.
I am a sex-negative woman
Maybe you’re just hooking up with a lot of dudes who are shitty in bed?
“Again, imagine if I was all over your dick like an enraged animal.”
With you, I’d probably make sure I was wearing a rubber, but otherwise, that sounds great. Certainly better than reading this drivel.
Contrary to the opinion of the 1 other commentor that made any sense, I have to applaud the author here. Reading between the lines, this isn’t so much about her bad experiences with oral in the past, but rather an attempt to make her future encounters better by opening the channels of communication between partners. If everyone reading this article takes a minute or two to talk honestly with their partner they can find out what works and everyone can be happier.
sloots gonna sloot
I love it when women speak condescendingly to me, it turns me on so much. No one wants to read an article basically berating every man for poor sexual relations the author has ever had. Hopefully you approach this from the non-bitchy angle next time.
It’s pretty much every column. Your cock’s too small, you’re clingy, you won’t talk to me, you don’t go down on me properly, it’s your fault that I can’t magically make a long-term relationship happen out of this drunken hookup. Honestly, this girl sounds like a nightmare.
And wait until she actually matures from her self centered narcissism and becomes a mother, her kids will find this sh… she thinks is just fine to write and will never trust her judgment and whether her college grades are legit.
Any complaint by a woman is “bitchy” to some of you guys that can’t deal with honesty. Come on. You don’t even care if you satisfy your girl with oral. You just want your bjs and could care less about female satisfaction. It’s the woman’s responsibility to understand her own body and be able to communicate her sexual satisfaction or unsatisfaction with her partner. Give your ego a vacation and let that space between your ears absorb some pertinent info from the opposite sex.
What if I wrote an article about how women, more often than not, are really crappy at sucking cock and are clueless and had kind of a can’t-you-take-a-fucking-hint?! tone, huh? This is just the other side of male chauvinism and THAT’S why you dig this article.
‘scuse me, the female version of male chauvinism, let us say. Nothing original or shocking, either.