If the glove doesn’t fit…

Sex on Tuesday

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Let me tell you something: There is such a thing as “too big.” Now, I’m sure some of you ladies are thinking that I’ve gone cray-cray and that there is nothing you would want more than a hunky dude with a giant friend down there. But be careful what you wish for. It can most definitely be too big.

Let me illustrate. A couple of years ago, on a weekend morning (OK, more like midday), a good friend of mine came back from a night out and, naturally, proceeded to share her adventures with me. Needless to say, after boozing and dancing, her night ended in the bed of a fella she had met that night. While this may sound typical, one detail was not.

“Dude, it was scary big! I just kinda stared at it for a second, not really sure what to do.” Yes, his dick was huge.

She went on to describe the challenge that the rest of the night turned into, which, let’s face it, her I’m-drunk-and-I-just-wanted-to-get-laid self was not prepared for. She even declared, with a rather serious look on her face, that she really didn’t think she could do this again. It was just too much — funnily enough, she later had a six-month thing with the dude.

As a good friend, of course I tried my best to imagine and sympathize with her plight, picturing in my head the penis-to-body proportion she was describing and working out the logistics in my head. But I have to say that the magnitude of the big-dick problem did not hit me until I was faced with one myself. You didn’t think I would be writing this column without having a story of my own, did you?

In the fall of my junior year, I found myself at a party that was quickly broken up by cops. Luckily, I was already flirting and vibing with a cutie at that point. So as we were being herded out the door by the stressed-out frat brothers, he asked if I would like to go stargazing at his place (yes, he actually used that line). I’m assuming that my answer should be pretty clear to you.

So there I was, naked, on his bed and faced with a rather large penis. I was already getting a little concerned, immediately remembering the cautionary tale above. OK, I can handle this, it’s not that bad. Wait, what?! Trojan Magnums aren’t quite big enough for you? Oh gosh. All right, here we go.

It turned out to be much more challenging than I thought — I assumed it would just be a little painful at first but I would get used to it eventually.

Wrong.

First, there were only a couple of positions that worked without making me feel like my vagina was being assaulted. Both were variations of the missionary position.

Second, he couldn’t even put it all inside of me — it was wide, but it was also long! There was a point at which it actually felt pleasurable and I was stoked that we had finally made it work — until he told me it wasn’t even all in. OK, never mind.

A few weeks later I ran into that friend and of course shared my experience with her and expressed my overdue true understanding of what she was talking about. This is no joke. It’s a situation limited in its flexibility, range and pleasure, and it’s potentially highly frustrating. There is definitely such a thing as “too big.”

For those of you who read my work last semester, my complaint about too much endowment may come as a surprise. However, I must remind you of Goldilocks and her trials and tribulations.

Goldilocks didn’t like her porridge too hot or too cold. She also didn’t like her bed too soft or too hard. She liked them just right. And that’s how I like penises to be: just the right size. Or as a friend calls them: of the golden ratio.

Luckily for me, I have yet to encounter another one of these (lucky?) dudes. There have been one or two with a little more girth or length (or both) than average, but nothing impossible to climb. And frankly, I think I actually may be happy about this. I like sex a lot. I like enjoying it and not stressing over it. It’s nice to be able to have a nice strong one inside of you without freaking out the whole time that you may get impaled by it or not be able to do your favorite position because instead of feeling like you are in sexual nirvana, an excruciating pain in your vagina is keeping you preoccupied. That’s definitely not my definition of a good time in bed with my sexy hunk of the moment.

So call me picky if you will, but I promise you that once you encounter one, you will understand. In an episode of Sex in the City, fearless Samantha encountered one of these scary and way-too-big dudes. And do you know what she did? She made a friend of him — her first male friend. I’m not sure if I would give up that quickly, but I absolutely understand how she felt.