Why good girls like bad boys

CaliforMiacation

miashaw.coulumnist

I distinctly remember having a conversation a few weeks ago with this smart, pretty girl whose boyfriend of two weeks was tall, muscular and had a notorious reputation as a player. I asked her how she could be so interested in him in light of his dating history. Her response? She liked him because it made her feel special that he was awful to everyone — but sometimes not to her. She felt that she knew, just knew, that this time, with her, his treatment of women would be “different.”

It wasn’t. Most of you probably saw that coming; I’m pretty sure that deep down, even she saw it coming. She saw exactly what she would be getting into; yet she still just sat there and let him tear her apart.

Perfectly nice girls seem to constantly be falling for guys that mistreat them.

If you exist on planet Earth, are over the age of 13 and have a gender, you’re probably familiar with this question: Why do girls like jerks?

Textbook definition of “jerk”: a guy who leads a girl to believe that he cares about her without actually caring about her. Truth: They’re very popular with the ladies.

I’ll be honest, I used to like jerks; it’s taken a few weird experiences to learn my lesson. Like the time this guy, on our first time out together, casually pulled out a condom from his jacket and said, “Wanna have sex?” Really? That literally cannot work on girls. In my experience, jerks are stupid, self-centered and overall awful people who will use their looks and charm for as long as they can to get girls. Girls recognize that; most of us aren’t really stupid enough to fall for tacky pick-up lines. Women can easily see through jerks and rarely take them seriously.

No, women don’t love jerks, but they do love bad boys: men who act like jerks but really aren’t. No matter how many times a girl says that she’s looking for a nice guy, she always seems to fall for the bad boy. That’s because everyone likes a challenge — the challenge in this case meaning his emotional unavailability.

I dated this one guy for three years. Each and every year, we’d have a messy breakup, blame it on “emotional unavailability.” Long story short: We were clearly not right for each other. But that couldn’t stop me from being so committed to having my heart broken by him that by the very end it was like he was making a hobby of hurting my feelings.

Many girls seem to just want something they can’t have, preferring the chase to the catch. And many bad boys possess that emotional unavailability girls like. Not because they’re sociopaths, but because they just might be heartbroken themselves. They’re scared of commitment because they fear the possibility of having to endure more pain. They avoid having their own hearts broken by adopting the role of “bad boy” and playing with girls’ hearts. These types guard what’s left of their pride with a detached, inflated confidence, a sob story; bad boys take advantage of the fact that girls like jerks by combining those behaviors with an appearance of brokenness. And that’s why good girls love bad boys: Every girl — particularly the bleeding heart type — wants to think she can fix the broken bad boy and be the one he falls for at last. Chances are she isn’t.

Textbook definition of “nice guy”: a guy who shows care for the well-being of girls he’s interested in. Truth: They regularly reside in the “friend zone.”

Nice guys want to really get to know a girl, fall in love with her, treat her right. Maybe they’ve been hurt in the past — in fact, they probably have. But they’re still willing to give love a chance, even though they’re scared to be bold about it. They don’t go to parties looking to hook up; no, they want things like that to mean something, and not just any girl will do. Basically, nice guys are nice. They take a harder path than the bad boys; sometimes it requires lots of rejection and frequent feelings of inadequacy. But nice guy is more likely to chase after the girl of his dreams and consequently more likely to win her over, even if only in the long run.

It might take a long time for them to stop losing, but when nice guys win, they win big.

Why? Because although it may take awhile for us to figure out, at some point, girls learn to fully understand the immense benefits of being with a nice guy. Eventually we come to realize that if we want to start a career, or follow our dreams, or even just have anyone take us seriously, we’re going to have to start believing in our own self-worth. And for that to happen, we have to be with someone who believes in us — who isn’t always threatening to leave us, who’s likely to be there for us when we need him. We want someone who treats us with respect and someone we can trust.

It may seem like we like jerks, but in the end, it’s the nice guy that gets the good girl.

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  • herp.derp

    Mia shaw is an embarrassment to journalism/punditry/the commentariat.
    Anecdotal (and self-serving) crap is held up as a legitimate basis for discussion. Calling David Brooks, calling Tom Freidman…
    go jump off a cliff

  • alex

    So when the girl bangs every bad boy in town and her looks start to fade will she settle with the nice guy, dependable geek who has been patiently waiting this whole time. How lucky he must be then!!

  • sonofsarek

    I don’t care what girls think. They can be with me, and know what it’s like to be with a real man. …or they can waste their shallow, vapid, meaningless lives with all the losers of their picking.

  • Lifeless

    My reason is that I don’t have life. I’m going school, reading books and watching movies. I’m not brave or anything, I’m scared to make big decisions because I scare failing.I live trought books and action movies, ‘couse their life is so interesting, full of action! Bad boys have so different kind of life than me, and that’s why it seems so interesting!

  • JJ

    Fact: Girls don’t like to date from their friend pool. It’s risky, potentially awkward, & could lose them a friend.
    Takeaway: Don’t be friends with a girl you want to date until after you kiss, hook up, flirt, or otherwise show how you feel about them. Will differ from girl to girl how you show your interest, but it’s important you do so early on in the relationship, otherwise my friend, you have just been marooned on friend zone island.

  • Bartok

    Nice guys are idiots. Hot girls are not worth having. Best bet if you’re ‘nice’ (ie. a normal bloke) go for an average to below average attractive woman. She won’t have been used repeatedly (by her choice), and she’ll appreciate you more. Believe me the benefits are amazing. Attractive women, by and large, just aren’t worth it.

    • http://ignorantawareness.blogspot.com/ Ignorant Awareness

      Guys have no idea what ‘hot’ really is though: a girl they deem as ‘hot’ in the club one night, goes totally unrecognised the next day (when she’s sans makeup/ push-up bra/ contact lenses/ hair extensions etc).

      When you say that attractive girls aren’t worth having, that isn’t really true- the good girls might still be ‘hot’, but just while not wearing all the stuff above. The good girls can still be ‘above average’ in attractiveness, if you look close enough ;)

      • Mark D

        Ignorant Awareness speaks wisdom. I am constantly baffled by how many otherwise intelligent male friends of mine (I’m male also by the way) don’t see the deceptive power of cosmetics.

        • http://ignorantawareness.blogspot.com/ Ignorant Awareness

          That’s why the words ‘pretty’ or ‘beautiful’ hold more weight to me than ‘hot’. When guys say a girl is ‘hot’, they’re usually referring to these illusionary techniques. It’s ok though- usually the older a guy gets, the better his crap-filtering goggles work ;)

  • marghe

    Has anyone else noticed that this column has just dominated the most popular list for literally weeks now?

  • Renato

    “(…) but in the end, it’s the nice guy that gets the good girl.” Yeah… Maybe when she stops being a girl and becomes a real woman. ;)

  • girlfreeeen

    You go, girl.

  • http://twitter.com/DiannaRostad Dianna Rostad

    Isaidit has it right. Women are attracted to dominant behavior in men because we are hard-wired to find the most aggressive protector and hunter. We can’t help it. The more aggressive men behave, the more we are attracted to them. Young women often have negative experiences with “bad” boys because men are still learning how to balance being dominant and caring in a relationship.

    The key for you “nice” guys out there is to watch your body language. If you behave in a more competent, confident and dominant way, you’ll attract women.

    • http://www.facebook.com/alejandro.consalsa Alejandro ConSalsa

      Do you see what I mean^ And usually is the mentality of the pretty ones. They think is fine the to be attracted to a man who treats them like crap. Don’t be honest just tell them what they what to hear. Don waste your time trying to understand this type of girls. They are as dump as fuck.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000655055023 John Ogle

    Nice guys are finally starting to wake up to this problem. They simply leave America and suddenly have more beautiful women than they know what to do with crawling all over them, begging them for marriage. Asian women in particular treat them like kings, but many stunning European women also are very interested in making their dreams come true. These exotic foreign women are far “hotter” than these shallow, spoiled American girls, who stay in the U.S. and go downhill with the bad boys. Unlike American girls, foreign women are not impressed by the American bad boys. Those are the stereotypical “stupid Americans.” Geeks always get the hottest women in the end, even if they have to leave America to do so. I am a nice guy and I speak from ten years of experience on this subject. American girls are going to have to re-evaluate their preference for the bad boys, because the nice guys are all going, going, gone.

    • nick

      I like this..it definitely made me laugh, but also to think a little deeper :-)

    • Rathergood

      Definitely a possible thought, though a little biased:

      1. how about girl, don’t they categorize by their personality (eg. bad/good), are the looks and “gender-benefits” their only attribute? Seems to me that it is generally accepted here that men seem to have the variation in personality etc. whereas girls are more like the “price” a man gets for being, for instance, nice enough.

      2. And they so called “nice boys” looking for love outside just don’t understand what’s coming at them when all they have in mind is their superficial requirements for the girl. So there’s no girls with dirty intentions?

      So far I can only call it another imbalance between the sexes – goes so well with all the fuss, promo and propaganda about equality in the English speaking world.

    • http://ignorantawareness.blogspot.com/ Ignorant Awareness

      Or it could just be they’re after a green card.

      (And before anyone gets butt-hurt by this:
      a) it’s a joke, &
      b) I’m not American myself either.)

    • Thomas Blankenhorn

      Getting out of the country to avoid the obesity and tattoos makes sense as well.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000655055023 John Ogle

    Nice guys are finally starting to wake up to this problem. They simply leave America and suddenly have more beautiful women than they know what to do with crawling all over them, begging them for marriage. Asian women in particular treat them like kings, but many stunning European women also are very interested in making their dreams come true. These exotic foreign women are far “hotter” than these shallow, spoiled American girls, who stay in the U.S. and go downhill with the bad boys. I am a nice guy and I speak from ten years of experience on this subject. Geeks always win in the end.

  • Guest

    Nice guys are finally starting to wake up to this problem. They simply leave America and suddenly have more beautiful women than they know what to do with crawling all over them, begging them for marriage. Asian women in particular treat them like kings, but European women also are very interested in making their dreams come true. These exotic foreign women are far “hotter” than these shallow, spoiled American girls, who stay in the U.S. and go downhill with the bad boys. I am a nice guy and I speak from ten years of experience on this subject. Geeks always win in the end.

    • MondayQB57

      Accurate perspective. Asian women, in the old culture, are looking for men who are loyal to family and supportive of them. They appreciate this loyalty by being supportive of their man. American woman don’t feel that way because they have this belief that they don’t need a man to father their children. Westernize women pretty much trash men. When women go for trashy men, that’s the formula for a weak family. Dealing with women who are attracted to bad boys – you don’t need a prenuptial. What you need is a surrogacy agreement.

  • Guest

    Nice guys are finally starting to wake up to this problem. They simply leave America and suddenly have more beautiful women than they know what to do with crawling all over them, begging them for marriage. Asian women in particular treat them like kings, but European women also are very interested in making their dreams come true. These exotic foreign women are far “hotter” than these shallow, spoiled American girls, who stay in the U.S. and go downhill. I am a nice guy and I speak from ten years of experience on this subject.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000655055023 John Ogle

    Yeah, like by the times she’s 50 or 60+ years old and her youthful beauty is all used up and gone, she finally realizes the error of her ways. Then maybe she gives the nice guy a phone call. If he is still alive, he will be willing to try to help her put the pieces of her shattered life back together.

  • :)

    I like how you differentiated between bad boys and jerks.

  • Jillian

    Great article!

  • impressed

    183 likes. And she doesn’t even write a column anymore. Wow.

    • ?

      Why aren’t we hearing more from Mia?

  • Drake

    This is a pretty terrible article.

    “Personal Experiences ahoy!”

    Let me explain something that most people should understand. Women are interested in “bad” boys because they are simply not submissive personalities. Men do not necessarily have to be “bad,” but overall have an outgoing personality that make them interesting. The author assumes an outgoing personality is something that makes a person a “bad” boy, but the fact of the matter is, she’s making comparisons to men who she has friendzoned most likely because they were not bad boys. These friendzoned people, who have been the bane of my facebook feed from the onset of facebook, blame women for being shallow self-centered tools when they do not realize that they have no substance to their personality. The truth behind this article is that women do not like jerks, they like people who have substance to them, something many guys assume is being “nice” instead of being “interesting.”

    If the author truly believes that she is attracted to solely badboys, she has a lot more problems going for her and should not generalize such terms in defining all women. This article is offensive to me, as a male, because it seems to have a misogynistic construct for the way women’s brains work.

    • ron

      Whatever you think of it, it’s obviously a good enough article to be at the top of the popularity list months and months after it was published.

      • Drake

        It’s because of sad beta fucks who are looking for reasons why they cannot get girlfriends. Here is their reason

        • KitKat

          I feel like you’re going to be alone in life, dude. Sorry.

          • fuckyoudrake

            “Sad beta fucks”? Fuck you, Drake

  • BAE

    Somehow we think we can change and mold our partners into what we want, the best thing to do is find someone we respect and want to be around. Time to ditch the evolutionary targets of healthy looking makes good offspring and wealth creates happiness. At a much more primitive time in human existence these traits had merit but in the modern day they used to exploit others and their emotions.

  • Nicedudesidelinedforyears

    No fucking shit pointing out the obvious.

  • MondayQB57

    It seems to me the author has defined a “bad boy” as a player or somebody who stays emotionally detached from women. And women like that? That puts them in a class of chattel or perhaps the lower class of chattel because I know men who are emotionally attached to their cars and/or motorcycles. I suppose those who with shallow a personality don’t mind being in the same class as chattel. Maybe there is some substance to a politically incorrect saying, “I long for the good old days when men were men and women were chattel.”

  • Mar

    The whole idea of Nice Guys is such bullshit. Being nice to a girl does not mean that she has any obligation to sleep with you. I’m so sick of seeing douchey guys complaining about getting “friendzoned” – because apparently being a decent human being automatically ensures you should “get the girl.” It’s not like her opinion matters, after all!

    • http://www.facebook.com/alejandro.consalsa Alejandro ConSalsa

      I don’t know but girls who are as confused as this one in the article, they are usually gay or stupid. Either way I am not going to get headaches trying to understand how confused they are. I do not waste my time. I usually just tell them what they want to hear from me and believe it or not when you do this they make your job easier. Nice guys are stupid just like this girl in the article. Females are so mentally lost that they them self do not understand why they behave the way they do. What is so stupid about this is that no matter how hot tall short, rich poor a girls is they all doomed because they all need guys like us who creates an illutiosn for them to live in in that fantasy like the one they see in comedy and romance shows. And yes it might so
      und wrong but if you think about it’s not your fault and make it Ok because they want you to lie to them, so just say, do, be whatever they want you to be and let the nice guy get all the waste. So. Don’t be selfish and remember to hand your used toy to the nice guy he will take any dumb ass and put up with the all BS. Hahahahah….. Oh and believe me do not try to understand them or be nice you can pretend to be nice but do not believe it, it won’t work. With your looks and charm just project what she wants to see in you. Trust me, if you take my advise you are free of guilt and drama if you decide to dump her when you get board with her because usually girl like this one they are really boring and everything is about them. Live life and enjoy the ride. You will get more then one girl in you life anyway so who cares.

    • JF

      You’re assuming that “nice guys” would have the ultimate motive of sex. That is entirely the opposite of the truth, even the article stated that. A guy getting “friendzoned” can mean that he is looking for a romantic relationship with a girl who is uninterested because she is more concerned with sex appeal or rebelliousness than she is with finding someone who cares about her and loves her for who she is.

    • http://www.techmansworld.com/ Michael Hazell

      That’s a lie. For example, me. I am probably one of the nicest people out there. For example, I’ll just tell you a good story of mine.

      So there was this girl, her name was Kayla. She’s said herself that I’m the sweetest guy that’s been for her. She knows how much I care about her — I’d even be with her if she gained 200 lbs and had nothing left. The very odd problem is that I got stuck in the friend zone. It makes me sad but like others have said, most women around these ages have no idea what it means to have a nice guy. They want to ride for the thrills, and great treated like crap by the same time. In fact, the other guys trying to get her were all in for getting laid, and nothing more. I’m wasn’t looking into her to get laid, not even the slightest. Yet, I’m stuck in the friend zone.

      Perhaps I’m too nice, but that’s how I am.

  • Odd

    I’m legitimately confused as to how this article just danced its way back to the top. I wonder what that says about the current columnists.

  • .

    How exactly is it that this column is 2nd most popular for the Daily Californian months after it was published?

  • iPosit

    In the immortal words of Kanye West, “Love is cursed by monogamy.”

    I will get bored. As such, breadth-first search is often times an excellent matter of getting to know and mature with others while avoiding staleness and therefore decreases the amount of time it will take to find the right person. This, while inconsiderable to some, is probably the most efficient way of doing things. Just be confident, have your own life, and get it going.

  • Michael

    This is just a list of cliches.

  • room to grow.

    Hi, Mia. I think that this is a very valid point of view. It’s clear that you’ve been in relationships that made you feel hurt, and that’s no fun. I do think that you should be using “I” statements, as I feel that assuming that all girls who are “good” like so-called “bad boys” is an assumption that is often either incorrect, or just a poor judgement of both parties involved in the relationship. I think that relationships are very complicated, and that it’s totally possible for both parties to leave relationships with hurt feelings, or not (either can be great), and while it’s not a fun time in anybody’s life, it’s a great learning experience. Instead of chastising past partners for being “bad”, I think that you should a) speak/write in “I” statements, as not to make assumptions about all women (this is also a pretty heteronormative article) in relationships, and b) use your past relationships as learning experiences. Growth is fun.

  • anon

    Seems like you ripped off Emily Hartridge from the Huffington post 26/06/2012 “10 reasons Why Women love Bad Boys”

    • wishanontobegone

      you really just lack a life, don’t you sir?

  • anon

    a 3 year date? smart move…

  • anon

    tease…

  • Pufflehuff

    For me, I went for the ‘bad’ type because they were confident, self-aware, leaders that would jump at the chance to protect me. I was attracted to my current mate because he was strong and so am I. I refuse to date a weaker and have to hold his hand throughout the relationship. Slip ups happen, we are human after all, but I want to stand side by side with my mate.

    As the relationship grew, I discovered it was him that was attracted to me for my goodness. He lacked stability and trust so he inadvertently sailed closer towards me. In the end, at this moment in time, it is me who is strongest, so perhaps the question should be the other way around.
    In short we crave balance and we most often find it in those that are not like us…where ever we lack, we look for others to provide and when we have too much we seek to share with those that do not have enough.

    • kjhg

      How freaking old are you?

      • Pufflehuff

        27.

  • grigio

    This entire article is invalid. There are always exceptions to every rule, and attraction is based on societal norms; if you don’t think for yourself and just do what everyone else is doing, of course you’re going to be less picky. Besides, “finding a girl” and “finding a guy” is kind of a waste of time. If they’re meant to be with you, you’ll find them when you’re not looking for them.

  • anonbear14

    hahaha Mccoy
    if you don’t know someone is trolling
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQBnUxx1GeM

    • jonny

      anonbear14, this is not a response to your post. This is a response to the entire thread.

      There are 3 types of guys. The nice guy, the bad guy and the good guy. The good guy is the real alpha ladies and gents! Both the nice guy and bad guy suffer from low self esteem. The nice guy looks for validation and the bad guy invalidates others to make himself feel validated. The good guy knows what he wants, and marches to his own song with a mission to bring something meaningful into the world and nothing or no one can ever come inbetween. The good guy has the real heart of gold and the mind of a warrior; he brings value into other peoples lives and the world. A Quality, healthy and strong women knows this. He is the forever challenge! No women can ever become between himself and his mission, if they do he continues without them. He is passionate and a courageously determined silent leader! Answer me this ladies. Are you attracted to the nice guy that puts you on a pedestal and lives through your desires? A bad guy with a mission to set his inner pain onto others, or the good guy that slays our demons?

      • jonny

        Every woman I spend time with are attracted to me hugely, why? cos I’m the good guy. The guy with a vision, a passion and a dream. The person who works on a friday night developing my skills when others are out partying. I sacrifice for the sake of the greater good and celebrate when I’ve made a difference. Social status? what a crock of superficial shit. (Heres your major lesson in life gentleman). Have a great Vision, know what you want, know what you value and lead your life. A woman wants an exciting love story not a headache! She wants to be understood not heard. She will test your determination and commitment to your goals, passions and desires and will get upset when you don’t give her what she wants. This is what she really wants however, she wants to support a mans vision, not a man to make her the vision. The good guy is the badass!

  • anon

    3 years of your convoluted neediness… dude deserves a medal

    • derek n

      lol so much jealousy and hatred from anonymous commenters. Ms. Shaw must be sitting somewhere, reading these, and laughing her head off.

      • AnOski

        I sure hope so..

      • nick

        Who’s Ms. Shaw?

      • anon

        oh god not Mary Shaw

  • http://www.facebook.com/cynthiabgallagher Cynthia Gallagher

    Attempting to continue correspondence with worthy male associates, I was always bombarded by “bad boys,” because they were very aggressive, and delusively so. I could not know that so-and-so who approached me would strive for more and more handouts and rides as I was entering the Berkeley BART station, attending church at the College Avenue Lutheran Church, or entering the Morrison Music Library. Be careful! Those who seek such handouts ultimately may take off with your vehicle; if ever you invite them into your home, they will break in through a window midst your absence! Then, how may you return to those preferable associates who correspond and who respect your rights of privacy and rights to concentrate on worthy occupation and affairs? This is but a brief summary of dreadful incidences that have precluded my otherwise meaningful journeys, tasks, and hierarchies. BEWARE OF ANY MALE WHO APPROACHES YOU LIVE AND WHO ASKS TO ENTER YOUR PROPERTY / VEHICLE UNLESS YOU HAVE A LONG ESTABLISHED LINE OF CORRESPONDENCE WITH HIM!

  • Matthew Weber

    The problem is terminology. The “nice guys” who constantly whine about how they never get the girl because they’re “too nice” aren’t being passed over because of niceness, but because of passivity. Girls tend to want a guy who takes control, who is confident and who approaches them without apologizing for it. The “bad boy” problem is that often men with that sort of presentation and outlook have so many options open to them that they don’t see why they ought to settle for just one.

    • AnOski

      I think the trouble with your viewpoint is that someone who’s nice isn’t going to enjoy telling you what to do. A lack of confidence can be associated with passiveness, but I’ve known plenty of nice guys who knew what they were doing with their lives and were willing to go out on a limb to help the girls they like, only to be ignored from a romantic perspective because they wouldn’t feel the girl up when the moment came around. That’s not what I would call being passive — that’s called having respect for someone. Is it ultimately misplaced if the girl is looking for such an advance? I don’t know. But if the girl’s looking for that, she’s probably not the right kind of girl for a ‘nice guy’ anyway.

      Ultimately, we (Mia + most commenters) seem to be agreeing. Neither boys nor girls at large (especially on the social scene) seem to know what’s best for them. Your point, in large part, mirrors what Mia stated above, though it differs on some smaller points.

  • john soldado

    Will you marry me Mia ?

    • AnOski

      I’d like at least a date before you two get hitched :

  • Stereotyping

    I don’t think you should generalize about girls. Not all girls like bad guys. This has never been nor ever will be remotely true for me.

    Speak for yourself reporter. Don’t generalize.

    • duh

      She’s not a reporter, she’s an opinion columnist. It’s her job to tell us what to think.

      • Just to clarify

        Opinion columnists are reporters. It’s their job to do reporting on their own to back up their points. Her examples of real-life situations involving bad boys would be considered reporting.

  • Jordan

    Have any of you actually read the ending of this column? I think it says everything that needs to be said.

  • Matthew

    Girls like bad boys because they seem to have the most confidence: “Seem” being the central word here. When a guy is very nice to her, she sees that as a sign of low-value. If he consistently cares for a girl, then he must place her in higher esteem than himself. He seems to not value himself, so she underestimates him. Women are programmed by evolution to select men who have high social status, and a primitive indicator of social status is that a man has enough superior qualities that he need not worry himself with caring for the needs of others.

    There are plenty of “nice guys” who are jerks too. Like the jerks, they just want sex with a hot girl, and they think the best way to get between her legs is through treating her like a princess. They’re just like the jerks but, besides having bad motives also have bad execution.

    The real nice guys are the real victims here. They fall in love with a woman and feel butterflies inside whenever they see her. They want sex as part of a romantic experience, but the sex is very peripheral to the real desire: Which is just to be with her and treat her right. They cannot control their emotions and they naturally manifest through kind deeds and acts of compassion. But they cannot avoid the evolutionary programming embedded in the women, and they are seen as low-value mates. It is not really the fault of the woman; she cannot control what she feels, much as the man cannot control his own feelings.

    I am not suggesting that women are a highly suggestible group of people; men are just as susceptible to an evolutionary history that has its own pitfalls. Men suffer because they only fall for girls with pretty faces and a well-proportioned body figure.

    The way to happiness is for both sexes to overcome these pitfalls. As Mia was saying, women who “win big” are those who “fully understand the immense benefits of being with a nice guy.” Men who win big are those who fall for a woman who has the wisdom to follow her dreams and has self-respect. Their physical beauty is only peripheral to who they are.

    That being said, hardly anyone follows this pristine ideal. Undoubtedly, almost as if by coincidence, physical attractiveness will remain the primary determinant of pairing. Attractive women like Mia will choose only from a pool of men who are similarly attractive. As she matures, she will just select more mature men from within that pool, because she can afford to be that selective due to her looks. By the same logic, attractive men will have the luxury to choose a mature woman from among a pool of physically attractive candidates. Other factors like wealth might allow some small amount of leeway, but usually not by much. To find happiness despite this truth, one must recognize how attractive they are and adjust their expectations accordingly.

    • McCoy

      wow matthew u have a lot of time to write useless shit
      i am writing this without even reading your comment , your chill to pull ratio is worse than Barack GDI Obama’s

      • anon

        He has time to write useless shit, but you, McCoy, seem to actually be useless shit.
        Simmer down.

        • McCoy

          do you even know who i am ?

          • anon

            Who the F cares?

          • McCoy

            you little GDI pussy shit , i dare you to go one on one against me in my fraternity’s basement

          • AnOski

            McCoy must be a troll. No one is this stupid.

          • adsadjh

            Inviting people to your basement? That’s kinda gay, bro.

          • anon

            double-dare me

          • anon

            Great to know bullying is alive and well at cal, Mccoi

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_WRACM77JT2RXUR3LMGDPPUGUYY Tony M

            Thanks for reminding us you’re a childish troll.

          • Sam

            No, McCoy, nobody wants to have a threesome with you and the goat

          • girl

            hey… you know i have to agree with whats being written in the article. and i would know best. i happen to be a woman. also i think you are an immature teenage boy who still has yet to figure out what it really means to be a man. the statistics on people with your personality type is that they end up working at the p;aces like McDonalds flipping burgers. so do us a favor and grow up. also, do you realize that any person in the world can read what you’ve written and would not want anything to do with you.

          • anon

            Go haze yourself

          • anon

            you’re a rag, a reach-around-greek

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_WRACM77JT2RXUR3LMGDPPUGUYY Tony M

            I don’t think anyone really cares who you are. It’s not like you have anything relevant to contribute to the discussion…

          • kj

            fuck u

      • Tatro

        BRO, GDI isn’t a fucking measurement, it’s GOD DAMN INDEPENDENTS

      • troll

        TROLL. Absolute troll

      • fu

        gay fag. mccoy is a homo

        • Berkeley Resident

          Let’s be better than that. No hate language please.

      • Hunter

        Words from a bad ass Bad Boy?

    • Toby

      You can treat a woman considerately without showing weakness. Wow them, stun them with your thoughtfulness, but always, always appear in control of yourself and never needy. This falls right into why girls like bad boys – confident, powerful, do their own thing, don’t appear to need the girl in question. Another tip: If you see a girl that is gorgeous, go talk to her. It doesn’t matter what about. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

    • Hunter

      Bad boys are basket cases. Immature, shallow and narcissist-con artists. First to emotionally abuse women, delusional w/ media fantasy of “Marlboro Man”, as low maintenance stud (sociopath).

      #1 Disadvantage if Daddy emotionally unavailable to Mom. Take charge Dad = Super Mom, shopaholic, obsessive/compulsive, 150% emotional needs met by kids. All the daughter knows.

      Emotionally immature, these women are narcissists too. Why else would they assume messiah role w/ bad boys? They can’t handle the truth.

      Suggest Communication 101, as mandatory class for Freshman.

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/SirWinstoneChurchill Winston Blake

        Girls like a stiff penis…

        Liberal men have limp peckers.

      • Arianna

        And this is why I worship nerds rather than “bad boys”.

      • David

        I couldnt agree more. I think badboys are very in secure. They try to overcompensate and show off to get girls. I know this because I have friends who put on this act and it works for them. Unfortunatly for me I have been single for a few years and im looking for a decent girl that I can connect with. I have allot of respect for women. But im not a push over by far and tend to speak my mind. But I still seem to struggle which sucks. Ive bin told im good looking too but I guess looks are not important especially where I live. Which is the u.k. Lots of girls I know go for ugly jerks who are too overconfident. My advise is just be yourself and dont show off. And always treat a lady with respect. Hope you have much more sucess then me .

    • guil2209

      Many bad boys are broke and lazy. Many nice guys have better jobs than bad boys. In my opinion, the bad boy game is a huge sign of insecurity and weakness. Bad boys are actors wearing a mask. They are fake and immature indeed.

  • justsayin

    “Girls like bad boys because they want to change them” is sort of a cliched explanation. In the end I think these types of situations apply to “good girls” falling for “bad boys” and that is because “good girls” (but really girls in general) are, compared with boys, raised in more sheltered environments. Growing up, it is not as socially acceptable for girls to break rules or step outside of the social norms. So once they get to an age when they can date, dating “bad boys” (by this I mean guys that are wrong for them) is a way to be adventurous, a way to do something “bad,” rebel, break out. Too bad in the process the girl gets hurt too and in the end, hopefully, grows out of this phase, and ends up with the “good guy” (the right guy).

  • what

    hot girl understands nice guys? unheard of.

    • http://www.facebook.com/alejandro.consalsa Alejandro ConSalsa

      I don’t know but girls who are as confused as this one in article, they are either gay or stupid. Either way I am not going to a get a headaches trying to understand how confused they are. I just tell them what they want to hear and yes it might wrong but if you think about it’s Ok because she want you lie to them so just be, do, say whatever they want you to become and for your self how much fun that is. Trust me if you fallow this steps in the end you decide when dump her if you get board with her.

      • http://www.facebook.com/alejandro.consalsa Alejandro ConSalsa

        hahahahahaha

      • Jenn

        What the fuck? Lol, you must be a troll

  • adsadjh

    This is very simple. You have to show women that you are highly desired and convince them that, despite your range of choices, you picked her. (Now, you can also be picking her sorority sister at the same time, as long as she doesn’t know that.) It’s same reason girls like Louis V purses. They might be nice purses, but the reason they want them is because everybody else does. Basic human psychology.

  • jack g

    god you’re awesome..

  • me

    I love you Mia!!!
    PS. Thanks for standing up for the nice guys of the world :)

  • Isaidit


    It may seem like we like jerks, but in the end, it’s the nice guy that gets the good girl.”

    Bullshit. Unless by “in the end” you mean 50 yr olds on eHarmony.

    Its coded into your genes to want the alpha male, because that’s who is the most biologically fit, and anthropologically speaking, you don’t become an alpha male if you’re “nice”. It’s just a vicious cycle you have to accept. So don’t go deluding yourself with Disney fantasies…

    • Bears

      Smart girls do actually get tired of being treated like crap by their boyfriends, and they will dump them. The only girls that will stay with guys that treat them badly are the ones who are so insecure they won’t leave. Hence: Nice guys get the “good” girls.

      We aren’t talking about the ladies that no one wants.

      • Matthew

        Bears, this is true wisdom. Many guys think that by being nice they’ll pull in a hot girl. Well, the truth is the hot girls are often not the good ones. Nice guys get the good girls when they realize the good ones aren’t necessarily the hot ones.

        • http://ignorantawareness.blogspot.com/ Ignorant Awareness

          Guys have no idea what ‘hot’ really is though: a girl they deem as ‘hot’ in the club one night, goes totally unrecognised the next day (when she’s sans makeup/ push-up bra/ contact lenses/ hair extensions etc).

          When you say that good girls aren’t necessarily the hot ones, that isn’t really true- it’s just they might not be wearing all the stuff above. They can still be ‘hot’ though, if you look close enough ;)

      • AnOski

        Yes and no. That sort of realization usually comes after college when a girl is finally looking to settle down in her mid to late twenties. For the guys who just want to find a nice girl, that means several years of trouble from college onwards.

        Of course there are exceptions, but I’ve yet to find a socially active girl who was actually interested in a longer relationship. When they get to college, most such girls want to explore their options.

        I went to college a semester before my then-girlfriend. Didn’t so much as look at another girl while I was here. I knew what I had was good. When she went to school, trouble started – long story short, she did some things she regretted, lied about them to me, and the truth came out some months later. She wanted the freedom of being single in the college environment and the emotional stability/feedback of a relationship. I wasn’t blameless in the scenario — once I felt things were going awry, I didn’t handle it well, but it was not due to a wandering eye on my part.

        Ultimately, she didn’t differ much from the picture we’ve painted here of the “jerk” guy. She dated me, and then dropped me when the opportunity arose. There didn’t seem to be another guy in particular. There was just…opportunity.

        I think the key term here is socially active. Plenty of girls would be happy to settle down with a nice guy from high school or college, but those girls aren’t usually active on the social scene. They roll with a few of their friends (not like that), hang out together, and may or may not turn up to any larger parties (at least not with any regularity). Such people can be notoriously hard to find on a college campus, and are best turned up via classes and clubs.

        Face it. The girls who go to frat parties are going to frat parties for a reason. It’s not to meet Mr. Right.

        • http://www.facebook.com/alejandro.consalsa Alejandro ConSalsa

          I don’t know but girls who are as confused as this one they are either gay or stupid. Either way I am not going to a get a headaches trying to understand how confused they are. I just tell them what they want to hear and yes it might wrong but if you think about it’s Ok because she want you lie to them so just be, do, say whatever they want you to become and for your self how much fun that is. Trust me if you fallow this steps in the end you decide when dump her if you get board with her. Hahahahahaha

      • http://www.facebook.com/alejandro.consalsa Alejandro ConSalsa

        ewwww who the fuck wanst an over used toy. If you know what I means. hahahaha

    • :P

      Love isn’t a Disney fantasy just because no one loves you.

    • i_am-disqus

      we humans do have the power not to be totally under the control of our biologically tendencies

    • Hunter

      Alpha male is ruthless Tarzan. Jane assumes he will survive jungle, and protect. Alpha male is a con artist. Jane is narcissist. Perfect match.

    • http://www.facebook.com/alejandro.consalsa Alejandro ConSalsa

      Isaidit ? “It’s the nice guy that gets the good girl” AHahahahahha…… ewwww who the fuck wanst an over used toy. If you know what I means.

  • Calipenguin

    This is a difficult subject and you did a great job as usual. One anomaly you didn’t cover though is that the vast number of East Asians and South Asians change the realities of dating. Many East Asian women prefer the sensitive “nice guys” of all races but especially Caucasians and Jews. South Asian women tend not to date outside their ethnic group, but they too seem to gravitate towards “nice guys” who are not too shy. Cal players without a postgraduate degree hoping to use their game on Asian women often fail. I wonder how your essay would differ if you took those women into consideration?

    • Me

      As a Caucasian male in a fraternity who has slept with many Asian girls, I have to disagree with you. Asian girls respond well to alpha bros.

      • Calipenguin

        Are you sure they were East Asian or South Asian (Filipinas count as Pacific Islanders) from Cal and not Mills College or BHS? In any case, I was just generalizing about long term relationships and not one-night hook ups. And unless you’re the fraternity president or sgt. at arms, you’re not the alpha. But since you’re succeeding with your game, go Bears!

      • Hunter

        Does alpha stand for alcohol? Drunk stats?

  • mccoy

    Huh Mia should realize that fratstars only date girls in top tier sororities , everyone else (especially GDIs) are just slams.

    – McCoy

    • westcoast3

      you are a true boss !
      fuck GDIs

      • anon

        Reach-around greek…

    • anon

      There u go again, Mccoi – baggin on independents. Just crack a book, once, and you’ll be on your way to being able to hold up your head in their presence. Oh and going to stale beer soaked frat parties… great way to find Mr Right (refer to Mccoi). So fun swimming with stereotypes and cliche at the DC.

    • adsadjh

      Not fratting hard enough, brah. Most girls in top tier sororities are also just slams, unless they’re marriage material.

    • I_h8_disqus

      Actual fratstars date whoever the hell we want to date, because we don’t need to act like posers who only date women in a certain house. There are great women all over Cal. If you walk up with a great woman, nobody is going to care what house she is or is not in. However, you should support the sororities by going to exchanges and their charity events.

      • mccoy

        what kind of a loser are you ?
        you ain’t a top tier frat sig chi or tke or dchi whatever you are

        • I_h8_disqus

          I am the kind of loser who would have bonged you during rush or while you were a pledge, because I would have seen that you would just repel women and annoy the other brothers. You should recognize that the top guys in your house wish that you would not embarrass them at events and parties.

          • McCoy

            top guys in my house ? i am the external VP of my house , resident fratstar and would haze a guy like you , you bottom tier frat creep (im guessing sammys or lodge or theta chi)

          • I_h8_disqus

            You are the external VP, yet you post things that make me think you are a pledge high on being part of the greek system. When several houses are no longer recognized by the IFC and numerous others are on some form of probation, it would be wise to make your external presence seem like more than an animal house wannabe. Go review the creed of your house, and let your actions reflect that creed.

          • Mccoy

            who says we are on IFC ?
            IFC is for losers

          • I_h8_disqus

            Based on how much the university hates fraternities right now, I have to agree with you.

          • anon

            external… good word for you

          • http://www.facebook.com/the.sin.of.lust Thomas Krempetz

            Bro, if you ever tried to haze me, they’d never find your body.

          • http://www.facebook.com/the.sin.of.lust Thomas Krempetz

            Resident frat star? Just go home right now and shoot yourself. Save yourself the misery of graduating and being lost because no one gives a shit what frat you pledged in the real world. Put the barrel in your mouth and end it. Don’t be a pussy.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_WRACM77JT2RXUR3LMGDPPUGUYY Tony M

      Nobody care about your silly (real or imagined) fraternity life, little child.

    • j

      fuk u mccoy

  • I_h8_disqus

    I often notice that people mix up good guys and bad guys with weak guys and strong guys. Most of the bad guys are really just strong and confident. They aren’t bad. They just aren’t really interested in most of the women who want their attention. They become known as players because they waste time dating women they don’t have much interest in. When they date the woman they actually are interested in, then the bad boys turn out to be very nice guys.
    I have also noticed that most men are not bad boys or good boys in Mia’s sense. They are just guys and their girlfriends are just girls. That is because they just find someone they actually care about and get along with.

    • afdgmcnhs

      Invalid argument. Sorry.

      • I_h8_disqus

        I am curious to hear your view on this.

        • afdgmcnhs

          Bad guys aren’t just strong and confident, that’s like, really. It’s not really about that.
          I don’t think your argument is actually true. Bad guys don’t turn into nice guys. I mean like, there are exceptions, but rarely.

          • I_h8_disqus

            My argument is that most bad boys aren’t bad. They are just strong and confident men who get labelled as being bad, because they don’t respond in an interested way to a woman and she then labels them as bad. Mia mentioned a boyfriend who kept breaking her heart and their fights were often based on emotional unavailability. Most of my good looking and confident male friends have at one time or another had women tell them they are emotionally unavailable and in some way a bad boy. They were all nice guys, but they just weren’t interested in the women who said they were emotionally unavailable and bad boys. Toward their girlfriends who they were into, they were always supportive and kind. If a guy isn’t paying much attention to you, it most likely isn’t because he is bad or scared to love. He just isn’t interested in you as much as you are interested in him.

          • acalbear

            This is precisely correct

          • fkgjdflkgj

            Nope.

          • Ashley

            Not necessarily. I had a really close guy friend who claimed that I was one of the only friends he could confide in, then turned around and asked to be friends with benefits, even knowing full well that I liked him. He didn’t want to date me, just use my feelings and get sex. For totally disregarding my feelings? I’d say he was an asshole. Maybe I’m just not attractive enough to be his girlfriend, in which case he’s a shallow asshole. Bad boys can be bad indeed.

          • I_h8_disqus

            My comments weren’t meant to be all inclusive. There are definitely real bad boys out there. I always recommend that a woman interested in a relationship with a man should wait to have sex with the man until he has had enough time to show that his feelings are true. Men can be pretty bad when they are only driven by sexual desires, and time is the only way that a woman can get a better idea about a man’s true feelings.