The triple threat

Sex on Tuesday

nadia.web

Me: “Oh my goodness, you and your girlfriend are so cute.”

Couple: “Wow, thanks.”

Me: “Yeah, you really are an attractive couple. I would love to fuck with the two of you sometime.”

This is an interaction I often have when I’m out and usually drunk. Since I’m not trying to steal anybody’s partner, I figure I might as well be honest about my intentions. I hit on couples more often than singles because threesomes are among my favorite things in life. Unfortunately, my blatant requests usually get denied — or go unanswered with nervous chuckles.  In my defense, it’s harder to convince two people to have sex with you than just one.

Having sex with more than one person in one sitting is part of the unknown, and individuals are unsure if they are sexy enough to live up to the expectations that people have about threesomes.  Here is some practical information that will hopefully demystify threesomes for those who feel sexually adventurous but slightly apprehensive about the experience.

First, don’t let expectations psyche you out. Threesomes aren’t radically different from twosomes. It’s having sex and doing what you usually do with just one more person involved. It is not so much about sexual prowess as it is about being comfortable with experiencing and sharing your sexuality. If you enjoy having sex and wish to broaden your horizons, just go for it, if you get the chance, and don’t read too much into it.

Threesomes are often not as emotionally complicated as twosomes. They’re intimate but not as personal as having sex with just one person. Showing love to two people at once doesn’t leave me with enough cognitive resources to feel attached to either person. I don’t intend for my threesome to be a romantic experience. It’s more about having fun than making love. Having a threesome can be more of a physical than emotional experience, so don’t be anxious about how you’ll feel.

One of my favorite parts of threesomes is breakfast. I think it’s good etiquette for the couple to treat their guest to breakfast for spicing up their sex life. Even if it doesn’t involve a couple, the threesome should spend time chatting and reviewing their night over breakfast. Take the time to appreciate and thank one another for being open to the experience.

Communication of boundaries is necessary when having a threesome. Everyone needs to be clear on what each person is willing to do and not do. Voice any concerns, and only engage in intercourse if you are comfortable. It’s possible to have a threesome without going through every permutation of hookups. What matters most is making all three individuals feel desirable, respected and involved throughout the experience.

The final and most important factor to consider is protection. If there are men involved, bring condoms. Switching condoms at every turn may not be part of the fantasy, but it’s not okay to penetrate two different people with the same condom. Female condoms are advisable and much less inconvenient because they will protect your vagina from the inside and from multiple people.

Some might feel pressured about having to please two people and not just one. You’re not expected to be working it by yourself the whole time. Threesomes are a team effort, and all three participants should be active. Remember that everyone probably has the same concern, so each of you should be supportive and show that you aren’t judgmental in order to create an environment where everyone feels safe and accepted.

If at some point you find yourself being a spectator, don’t feel self-conscious. It doesn’t mean you are any less attractive than the people next to you. You were asked to be in that space because you are wanted. Take the chance to watch two people share their most personal experiences with you. The times when I sat out, I really enjoyed watching two individuals be intimate. Having a spectator and seeing live sex is part of the fun.

There is always a chance that the threesome will be awkward, just as there are awkward moments during one-on-one sessions. At the beginning of my first menage-a-trois, all the threesome virgins in the room were nervous and definitely not sober. We had a nice chat about whether everyone was down to hook up with each other, and all it took was for someone to kiss somebody to get the hormones and the sex rolling. We had a couple awkward moments when the guy didn’t seem very eager to get down with me because he kept looking to his girlfriend. But I had a perfectly good time playing with the Miss.

So the next time some cute stranger suggests you have a threesome, down a bit of tequila and get on with it. New experiences, especially sexual ones, are scary. But going in with an open mind, you’ll find that having two people to play with feels pretty nice. As long as you have confidence and respect, you are perfectly capable of having sex with as many people as you dare.

Contact Nadia Cho at [email protected] and follow her on Twitter @nadiiacho.

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  • rth

    I love you so much for writing about this stuff. Major kudos!

  • Canyouhandlethis

    LEAVE NADIA ALONE, YOU PRUDES!!

    Jk, but really. Why are some of attacking her as if any of her choices or stories ever affected YOU? Be glad that there’s someone willing to share “the other side” with you while you sit at home over analyzing this girl’s life choices. I believe that the her sharing her opinion and experiences makes her super confident. And let’s not forget that this isn’t just a kinky column, she throws in a lot of valuable information that many of you anti-socials and sexually ignorant people could use.

    Keep it up, Nadia!

  • Mike O’Malley

    I can’t believe the Daily Cal prints crap like this. Is civilization dead? Something sure stinks.

  • Nunya Beeswax

    As a public service, I have summarized below all of Nadia’s columns so far this semester. I read them so you didn’t have to.

    Week I : Hey everybody, I’m bi! That means I have sex with girls!
    Week II : Porn is great! I masturbate a LOT!
    Week III : Oh, and did I mention that I’m bi?
    Week IV : Sex is great! It feels really good!
    Week V : I so do *not* want a relationship. Really!
    Week VI : Hey everybody, I have threesomes! Well, sometimes.

    No need to thank me; the work is its own reward.

    • DTR

      Pretty good description haha

  • iPosit

    If you approach people in an overtly drunk and haphazard manner, then the people who criticize you for ignoring emotions or promoting ‘drinking and experimenting’ are probably right on target. It seems as though you encourage risky behavior for its own sake rather than something that’s exciting while being something can genuinely broaden one’s horizons.

    Then again, all the people who criticize you just make assumptions about what you’re doing. Telling us what you’ve done isn’t showing us. Although this may sound problematic, maybe you should be more graphic with your writing. Introduce us to the ambiance of an encounter like this instead of recalling it tersely. Make sure this can still be published, obviously.

    Maybe you should also write articles about what you mean when you say confidence and respect. I feel people look past those key words when reading your articles because by then they’ve already begun to come up with upsetting remarks and (to their presumption) incredibly important criticisms.

    We see you’re experienced and most likely fun to be around, but for a writer these are all surface qualities. You have to strike the fine balance of really relating to your writers without going too far off your topic of Sex on Tuesdays. This seems to be a question of what you’re willing to share – insecurities and internal dialogue and the personal hurdles you may have surmounted to arrive at your critical views of respect and confidence in encounters like these – instead of a question of what articles like these should really entail.

    Anyway, good luck and whatever.

  • I_h8_disqus

    I would really enjoy Nadia writing a SOT article about her relationship history that causes her to so completely ignore the emotional side of sex. There has got to be something going on in her head that keeps making her discount emotions.

    • Guest

      LOL. You must be a virgin …

      • I_h8_disqus

        If you aren’t a virgin, then why are you considering a women like Nadia? Men or women who would promote the sex-without-emotion position that Nadia has so far promoted must find themselves in a similar situation to Nadia. Something has made them insecure or just desperate to get laid. If Nadia comes up to you offering to “fuck with you”, and you say sure, then you need to stop drinking for the night, go hang out with friends, and the next day learn how to socialize with women so that the Nadia’s of the world aren’t interesting to you anymore.

        • Guest

          If Nadia comes up to you and offers to “fuck with you”, how can you say no to such an adventurous chick? Give her some booze and maybe she’ll try anal with you like Kia.

          Unless you’re very protective of your virginity or don’t like fucking girls, of course.

          • I_h8_disqus

            Maybe you should consider being a bit more protective of your body, and forego the easy lay so you can avoid a visit to the Tang Center for antibiotics. There is a serious difference between adventurous and dangerous. Anyone with potentially dozens of anonymous partners should be avoided.

          • Guest

            Have you not heard about condoms: for both males and females?

            As the Tang Center always counsels: Practice safe sex when fucking each other.

          • I_h8_disqus

            There are some things you shouldn’t trust to a thin bit of latex, plus the vagina isn’t the only place disease waits for you. When risk management comes into the discussion, it is time to take your condom and to go find yourself less promiscuous partners. There is no reason for attractive men with social skills to have to settle for having sex with the Nadias of the world. The Tang Center also counsels to not follow the advice of Sex on Tuesday.

  • g

    Protection doesn’t only apply to sex with men–please advocate for safe sex regardless of the sex of your partner (dental dams!)

    • ummmm

      She did mention female condoms….

    • adsahdj

      Dental dams, really? LOL

  • Word Girl

    This article might have been enlightening if something intelligent had actually been said. Instead, ideas expressed at the beginning of the article failed to evolve or develop. Encouraging us to give threesomes a shot, and then informing us that you regularly proposition couples when you are drunk, is not new, inspiring, or different. If we are really going to be open to something new, why do we have to be drunk to try it? And if drinking is involved, especially among all parties present, how can we expect to communicate accurate boundaries to partners or even use protection properly? This article does not encourage intelligent behavior or any real sexual discovery, but instead continues to hammer home the same trite point of “Nadia likes threesomes, and let me tell you why.” If you want to write things of more substance, try telling us things we haven’t heard, read, or seen everywhere else.

  • anonymous

    Best put a condom over your balls.

  • banana

    I like you, Nadia. You’ve got moxie.

  • Melissa

    This was a delight to read. Thank you!

  • Parker

    Nadia- I thoroughly enjoyed reading your article this morning over a donut and coffee. Today was a pleasant reminder of what the SOT article can look like. Maybe more descriptive details on positions during a successful threesome. I speak for all the salty veterans of SOT when I say you’re headed in the right direction. Lets do this again next week!!

  • Nunya Beeswax

    The thing is, Nadia, many couples practice this thing called “fidelity.” It means that, because they want to preserve intimacy and trust within their relationship, they don’t have sex with other people.

    You’ll find as you grow more mature (hey, I’m being optimistic) that there is usually a balance between freedom and security. The more of one you have, the less of the other you have. Relationships are one instance of this.

    NB : I realize I’m contradicting polyamorist propaganda here, but let all those 20-something poly folks who claim that it RILLY RILLY WORKS NO RILLY come back in 20 years and tell me how it’s still working for them.

    • BerkelBear

      There are long-term poly couples out there raising children. Kindly keep your rude assumptions to yourself. And need we mention the 50% divorce rate in this country of monogomists?

      • Nunya Beeswax

        Oh my GOD, we wouldn’t want to have any rudeness on the Internet, now would we?

        And quite a bit of the divorce rate you refer to is attributable to adultery, so I’m not sure how it can be laid at the door of monogamy. From my observation, it seems that divorce is most often the result of an inability to follow through on a commitment–a commitment which is generally weakened and not strengthened by extramarital sex.

        • peepsqueek

          To Beeswax-

          Thank you! That was the voice of reason.

          I would like to add to that it takes a life time to build a life; life long friendships, life long commitments, life long trust. All these “take a chance” suggestions are not based on an kind of values that contribute to a better life. Maybe a better moment, not a better life. One day, if your children or anyone else asks you what are the things you are most proud of in life, I don’t think this issue will come up.

  • alum

    …but what if the balls touch?

  • Contra

    HAHAHA some people never learn. Just like Kia, Nadia thinks it’s ok to “down tequila” (probable alcohol abuse) and get up in some poor insecure couples face. Wow, awkward drunk hazy sex seems to be an essential part of the wonderful and ethereal experience of polyamourous non-heteronormative blah that you, dear reader, will never know because you’re just NOT cool co-op or sexy enough etc. Nadia, you’re beginning to make me think that you’re not a very good writer, and of questionable character. You call those experiences less awkward than twosomes? Those people clearly don’t seem to be of clear mind and you take advantage of them. You are blatently contradicting yourself with your own experience and apparently you love to puff yourself up. Sex isn’t a sport for most of us.
    *Note to freshman types; Just because she writes in the paper does not make her remotely correct. Stick to what feels right to you and makes you comfortable and happy.
    By the way I’m not surprised that the boyfriend did not want to sex you up Nadia; Frankly, you are rather plain (looking, understatement) and I wouldn’t dare touch your raggedy ass in fear of never being able to keep food down (or sex drive up) ever again.

    • DTR

      You’re so tough over the internet bro. Get our of your parents basement, do something with your life, instead of bashing people’s articles over the internet haha.

      • Contra

        I’ll take the first step out of the basement when you do son. Just don’t bitch and moan when all the “hot” bitches don’t blow you for sticking up for them and their ignorant, puerile discourses. Do something with your life – instead of defying obvious internet trolls who want to steal the marrow from the bone. Wake the fuck up and think for yourself.

        • disqus_iH9wrKQQ2F

          You’re telling someone to wake up and think yet you’re so quick to jump on someone else’s conclusion when they do just that. Take a moment a realize that what works for one person may not necessarily work for another. If you don’t like Nadia’s message, then stop consuming it. If you’re willing, however, to expand your horizon and acknowledge that there is more in this world than you could ever come into contact with, you just might learn and discover something.

        • DTR

          Haha yeah i own 5 different companies, what do you own? A computer and a cardboard box?

    • g

      Attacking the physical appearance of the author makes anything else in your comment really hard to take seriously

  • anonymous

    “One of my favorite parts of threesomes is breakfast. I think it’s good etiquette for the couple to treat their guest to breakfast for spicing up their sex life”
    ^^word. couples, watch your etiquette: take a long, hard look in the mirror if your sex life was ever spiced up by a guest you failed to provide breakfast for.