Sports

DISCLAIMER!!! This story is purely a work of fiction and satire.

7:12 A.M.

The Tree rolls out of bed and proceeds to down seven shots of dry gin in order to obtain its necessary Blood Alcohol Concentration of 0.15. To the Tree, it’s all part of a balanced breakfast.

Despite pleas from fellow mascots to seek help, the Tree explains that its metabolism works differently than its non-plant friends, making it impervious to alcohol.

All of the mascot friends dismiss the Tree’s explanation as utter crap.

9:18 A.M.

The Tree heads over to his favorite beauty parlor for his biweekly trim.

It will be a very busy day for the Tree, filled with meetings and special events alongside some of the most influential people at Stanford. It’s very important that the Tree looks fresh today.

The barber finds glow sticks, a bird’s nest, and a dead raccoon lodged in the Tree’s branches. The Tree then begins to ramble nonstop about what a crazy party it had in the forest last night.

10:47 A.M.

The Tree attends a football press conference in which an anonymous donor endowed the special teams coordinator to be renamed the Jacob Gowan Director of Special Teams, in honor of senior long snapper Jacob Gowan.

This is the third instance of such honor. After the offensive coordinator became the Andrew Luck Director of Offense, the lead trombonist of the marching band has been renamed the Gary Tyrrell Director of Brass Instruments, in honor of the famous trombonist involved in ”The Play.”

11:24 A.M.

After the press conference, the Stanford Daily football reporter approaches the Tree for comments about last weekend’s Notre Dame game, in which Stanford lost in overtime  a controversial fourth-down play.

The Tree refuses to comment. For decades, the Tree has boycotted the Stanford Daily because it still prints on paper.

The Tree will not talk to the Stanford Daily until it stops printing on paper and also improves its mediocre editorial quality.

11:45 A.M.

The Tree checks into a local Parkinson’s treatment center. The Stanford Tree is a giving tree; it volunteers at hospitals and other treatment facilities to bring joy and smiles to the ones who needs it most.

But the Tree has a secret motive for coming to the Parkinson’s treatment center. The Tree is discreetly taking notes, seeking to learn some new dance moves.

How else will the Tree dance like its trunks are on fire?

1:33 P.M.

The Tree has been waiting outside the gym where the cheerleaders practice for nearly half an hour.

When practice is done, the Tree picks up two cheerleaders and head out into a log cabin in the forest to engage in a passionate menage-a-tree for the next hour.

The Tree is a highly sought commodity among the Stanford ladies. Rumor has it that the Tree’s junk on its trunk is a sight to behold, and that its morning wood can last until five o’clock in the afternoon.

3:30 P.M.

The Tree is late to its weekly equestrian class.

All mascots are required to take a physical education class, and the Tree chose equestrian because why not? If there ever was a place where super posh people can ride million-dollar horses to act like they are keeping themselves in shape, it would be Stanford.

The Tree received a new horse this week, and it starts complaining that the horse is too uncomfortable. The instructor soon points out to the Tree that it’s been riding John Elway all this time.

5:17 P.M.

The Tree is on the phone with his good friend, Zachary RunningWolf. RunningWolf, a political activist in Berkeley who made national news as a tree-sitter years ago, became great friends with the Tree over the years.

The Tree was very moved when RunningWolf led the tree-sitting movement to protest cutting down the oak groves around Memorial Stadium for a new athletics facility.

To the Tree, anybody who has a pro-tree, anti-Cal agenda is a friend.

6:23 P.M.

For the third time today, the Tree is victimized by a small dog that pees in its lower leg.

It’s always the same dog, too; the dog stalks the Tree every day and sneaks when the time is right to have a leak at the Tree.

But the Tree doesn’t mind now. It was initially disgusted by the dog, but now, it likes the warm, wet feeling in its leg and foot. It’s just now a part of being the Stanford Tree.

7:06 P.M.

The Stanford Tree is running late again. The Tree has been invited to a fundraiser dinner party by the secret Herbert Hoover society.

When the usher, a freshman pledge who didn’t know any better, asks the Tree for the secret handshake, the Tree, which doesn’t have arms or hands, didn’t appreciate the comment very much.

The Tree stared the usher down with its cold, dead eyes until he realized his grave mistake and let the Tree enter. The usher then broke down crying, knowing his aspirations into politics were over.

9:34 P.M.

The Tree’s been having a great time at the dinner party. With plenty of alcohol in the party, it can maintain its 0.15 BAC level without any worries.

After having one too many mimosas, the Tree called everyone for a toast. Then the Tree began to go into a rant about how the 47 percent of all mascots are supporters of NCAA president Mark Emmert and are overly reliant on perks provided by the athletic programs.

Little did the Tree know, there was a secret videotape filming his rant from start to finish.

10:08 P.M.

The Tree and former Stanford mascot Prince Lightfoot are brought up to stage.

Lightfoot was outed in the 1970s when the university decided to get rid of its Indians mascot for a more politically correct one.

When the Tree extends an olive branch at Lightfoot, the elderly Native American smacks it away with his cane. The two get into a scuffle that ultimately results in the Tree knocking out Lightfoot unconscious.

The Tree then turns towards the stunned crowd and yells, “Sportsmanship!”

12:23 A.M.

The Tree, in its drunken stupor, leaves the party and walks through the forest by itself.

The Tree is too disoriented to walk straight. When it trips over a rock, the Tree falls face-first into the ground.

It gets up, amazed to find out that if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, it indeed does not make a sound.

All blurbs were written by Seung Y. Lee, with contributions from Connor Byrne and Taylor Brink.

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