Because I couldn’t afford to fly home the day before Thanksgiving this past week, I spent all of Wednesday in Berkeley. I only had one class that day, and the campus was marvelously empty. So at around 4:20 p.m., I called up my partner, and as two mischievous UC Berkeley students would, we set out on a nice little sex tour through campus. Since I started my column off a few months ago writing about a sexy encounter with a lady, I’ll end my classy kissing-and-telling with some afternoon delight I had with a man.
In response to the spring 2012 “Sex on campus: actually doable?” column, yes — having sex on campus is actually very doable, and it’s lots of fun. It’s also surprisingly easy.
That particular column brought up concerns about not getting to “finish” when doing it in a public place. Maybe I’m just not ambitious enough to have goal-oriented sex, but sex isn’t always about cumming and having orgasms. Sometimes it’s for shits and giggles. Having expectations and goals can ruin the fun of it. Besides, it’s probably not a good idea to ejaculate in public places — just saying. Keep this in mind should you ever attempt sex on campus.
I’ve always had the cliched fantasy of having sex in Main Stacks, so we wasted no time in heading there first. The trick to doing it in Stacks is to go at a time when there won’t be a lot of people studying at the same time and to pick a section of books that people won’t ever think to look up. Like the British Royal Academy archives.
We decided that, out of the millions of books in the library, the shelves full of books on religion seemed like the best place to fuck. We moved the adjacent shelves to block our location so that we couldn’t be seen from the rows on either side. I liked having our shelves of choice close to each other so that the setting was nice and cozy.
It’s best to have some empty shelves toward the bottom so that you can climb them and feel like Spider-Man while your partner penetrates you standing up. You can even re-enact the awesome sex scene from the film Atonement. I definitely love a man who can fuck well while standing up.
The risk of getting caught is what makes having sex in public so exciting. Without that, there wouldn’t be any novelty in doing it. It’s fun to challenge yourself to not make any noise while having sex. There were two instances in which people walked by the shelves between which my partner and I were going at it hard-core. It was like a game — having to frantically put our clothes back on and immediately pretending to be interested in the data collections of the European Union while panting and giggling hysterically.
For a place to have loud ass-slapping sex, the classrooms in the dungeons of Moffitt served us well after Main Stacks because the ground floor of Moffitt was completely deserted. It felt great to have sex in a classroom that I used to hate sitting in for hours without cellphone reception.
Doing role play involving a student-teacher or GSI in a classroom like this one is LEGIT. It gives you an idea of how fantastic it would be if your hot GSI pounded you on the front desk every time you forgot to turn in a homework assignment.
The next building I chose to desecrate with my perverse ways was Wurster, which happens to be my least favorite building after Evans. Something I learned that day that blew my mind is that there are classrooms in Wurster that lock. With all that privacy, I had just as much fun banging as I did walking around classrooms in lingerie and writing dirty things on chalkboards.
For those whose bucket lists include the item “have sex on campus,” the inspirational message from my classy afternoon is: Just do it. You might find that it’s senior year already and that you never took advantage of all those lunch hours, Saturday nights and Wednesdays before Thanksgiving during which there were probably very few people in the libraries or buildings on campus.
Don’t be scared. Make the screw session worth getting caught, and remember that you are definitely not the first person to have had sex on campus, nor will you be the last.
Other than providing fun places to get down, Berkeley is the best place to explore your sexuality. Our school is a predominantly safe and accepting space with many places, people and resources to help you discover your sexual self. It is the place where I learned what it means to be queer, to recognize the presence of patriarchy, to attempt polyamory and to become more confident in my sexuality so I could go ahead with new experiences — attending naked parties and orgies and writing a sex column, just to name a few.
Learn to appreciate your sexy side and experience a few frisky things during your time here. Take the Female Sexuality DeCal, have sex in Morrison, do the naked run and talk to people who are willing to share their personal experiences. The wide acceptance and freedom of open sexual expression are among the greatest legacies we have the opportunity to uphold at this university.
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