5 foolproof ways to get fit for spring

workout

With spring a little more than a month away, many are working hard to burn off the winter pounds and recover those stone-hard abs. For those of you who hate exercise but love looking hot, the Clog has prepared this list of ways to force yourself to get out and move.

1. The Marina Trek (Difficulty: Easy)

Materials needed: AC Transit Bus Pass, lots of money

Time Required: 3-4 hours

The Marina Trek is a very simple and effective workout. It involves taking the 51B AC Transit Bus to the Berkeley Marina, throwing your bus pass into the Bay and walking back home. Increase the difficulty of this workout by starting only two hours before a midterm or final and try to get to the test on time. Note that you also have to buy a new Student ID card and a new bus pass from the Cal 1 Card Office, which will cost a total of $93.

2. Dog Meat Madness Interval Training (Difficulty: Advanced)

Materials needed: One smelly steak

Time Required: However long it takes for the smell of steak to go away

This workout relies on the fact that there are a hundred dogs in the Fire Trail at any one time. First, strip naked and rub yourself all over with the steak. Make sure to get the face area, as this will heighten your resolve to exercise. After having fully absorbed the smell of steak, put on clothes and head over to the Fire Trail. When you see the countless number of dogs heading towards you from every direction, it is important to not panic and start sprinting, as you will tire yourself out. Instead, start at a comfortable, quick pace and make sure to outrun the dogs who want to chew your face off. Every once in a while, some dogs will end up losing interest and slow down. Make sure to use this opportunity to recover and revert to a slow jog. Don’t forget to pick up the pace again when new dogs join the chase. Also, please understand that a few silly mountain lions or bears may at times be attracted by the steak-y fragrance and should also be outrun.

3. Sex Push-Ups (Difficulty: Medium)

Materials needed: At least one significant other, one timer

Time Required: Thirty minutes? Ten minutes? 1 minute?

Sex push-ups rely on the motivation of sex. After the commencement of intercourse, start the timer at roughly one tenth of the amount of time it takes for you to finish. For example, if it takes you an hour to peak, you should set the timer at six minutes. When the timer runs out, stop what you are doing and do ten regular push-ups. It is good form for your significant other(s) to also partake in the push-ups and it is crucial that they do not continue with the fun activities until after you have finished your push-ups. After the ten push-ups are completed, restart the timer at whatever time you had set it previously, minus 1 minute. For example, if you had set the timer at six minutes before, you should now set it at five minutes. When the timer runs out again, do another ten push-ups. Repeat this procedure until the timer is being set at one minute, and stop decreasing the time at that point. Continue until you are either too exhausted to proceed, or until you and your significant other(s) are blissfully satiated.

4. The Forgetful Fred (Difficulty: Easy)

Materials needed: Various belongings

Time Required: A lot of time, over a lifetime

This form of subtle exercise already has many followers but all are sworn to secrecy. The first rule of practicing The Forgetful Fred is to never tell anyone you are a Forgetful Fred. The premise of this workout is really simple — just leave your belongings everywhere. Take things with you to places and leave your things at those places that are not your home. Then, when you get home and you need your belongings, walk back to the places you left your things and retrieve your things. Furthermore, it is always likely that you may forget where you left certain things and you will just have to check multiple places, resulting in even greater exercise. A note of precaution: you may lose some of your belongings forever, due to theft.

5. Harmless Stranger Tag (Difficulty: Easy)

Materials needed: A few quarters

Time Required: 20-30 minutes

Remember the joys of playing tag in elementary school? Well, you can experience those joys again! Approach several strangers on Sproul and offer to pay them in return for a game of tag. People can be very generous with their time and therefore willing to partake in an friendly game of tag. Head over to Memorial Glade with your new friends and tag the shit out of that field. After the group is fully exhausted from the fun game, you can all go out to eat a healthy salad in Northside Cafe and get to know one another.

Photo Source: NOAA’s National Ocean Service, under Creative Commons.