Six lessons to learn from this year’s Oscars

Seth Macfarlane Oscars 2013

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The Clog was procrastinating Sunday night, watching the Oscars live feed. While some may argue that the Oscars lacks relevancy and is merely a parade of overpaid celebrities taking part in an antiquated and self-congratulatory ceremony … we couldn’t help but realize how many Berkeley life lessons could be taken away from the event. Below we give you six lessons to take away from this year’s Oscars.

1.)  “Too Soon” jokes

So you’re in your discussion section for History 7B (The United States from Civil War to present) and you decide that this is a good time to make a joke about the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. It’s been 148 years after all, so it’s probably not too soon right? Maybe the quip goes something like this “the last actor to really get inside Lincoln’s head was John Wilkes Booth.” Well, failed attempt at being a class clown, we are here to gently remind you that it will always be too soon to try and make fun of the murder of one of history’s most beloved presidents. Learn from Seth Macfarlane and spare yourself the embarrassment, booing and awkward silence by just steering clear of this topic.

You can go ahead and apply this advice to the Kennedy assassination too.

2.)  Second Chances

Remember the A+ you got your first semester at Berkeley? It was perfect, illusive and shining. It was so long ago and so surreal that you’re not even sure it really happened. Sometimes in disbelief and sometimes to bask in your former glory you check your transcript just to be sure it really happened. Well, from Ben Affleck’s acceptance speech we learned that even if it takes 15 years and even if your spirit has been broken by Hollyw … uh we mean the rigor of Berkeley academics, it’s possible to repeat your former glory. You’re not the naive kid who wrote Good Will Hunting anymore, but your life experience since then is more than enough to facilitate a triumphant comeback.

3.)  Get back up

The Berkeley campus is full of hazards. With the wide staircases of Dwinelle and Wheeler flooded with students between classes, steep slopes often slick with rain and the occasional bicycle collision that is horrifically impossible to look away from, it’s very likely that at sometime or another you will experience a mishap of some kind. Jennifer Lawrence has taught us how to handle this moment when it comes in three easy steps.

1. Take a moment to pick yourself up, but go quickly enough to not actually need the help of Hugh Jackman when he arrives

2. Publicly acknowledge the fall and how embarrassing it was for you

3. Become Berkeley’s favorite person and receive a shiny gold trophy

Pro-tip: a graceful recovery from the aforementioned mishap is much easier to pull off in a Dior ball gown.

4.) Being a college student can get you on the Oscar stage

In coordination with The Oscar Experience College Search, six college students were chosen to present the trophies on the Oscar stage instead of the leggy models that usually book the gig. The young filmmakers were chosen based on their submissions of videos answering the question, “how will you contribute to the future of movies?” This is obviously a huge opportunity for any young filmmaker, hopefully they will run this contest next year so that we can get a Berkeley student on that stage!

5.)  If you don’t know what to wear to a house party, pink feathers are always an option.

Bradley Cooper and his mother. That is all.

6.)  If you sing it, it’s less offensive

So while we learned some valuable lessons from Seth Macfarlane on what not to do in the way of humor when it’s publicly broadcasted, he did get one thing right. If you sing offensive things instead of just saying them they come off as cheeky rather than rude. Taking inspiration from Macfarlane, perhaps it is not too late to employ the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus and compose a song about losers for a certain recent Berkeley basketball game? However, singing or not, we must advise you that if you’re planning on getting lucky with a Berkeley girl it’s probably not best to disclose the time and place of a boobs sighting if you ever wish to see them again.

Bonus: Singing isn’t just a way to mask offensive humor, it can also be used to subdue offensive personality traits. If you have a penchant for sounding melodramatic and slightly out of breath when you speak, but have a lovely singing voice, perhaps you should consider switching to singing all of the time (we’re looking at you, Anne Hathaway). This lesson could also be used to convince professors of dryer subjects to start singing their lectures — a la Les Miserables.

Image Source: Disney ABC Television Group, under Creative Commons