So, the Oscars were on Sunday. Don’t worry if you didn’t watch it. Don’t even worry if you did. There was literally nothing to see. Ben Affleck’s beard, combined with all those long-haired tech guys hid even Seth MacFarlane’s sexist jokes from our purview. Something was distinctly missing from this year’s ceremony. A feeling of unfettered joy, the sweet scent of mahogany cigars and a sight only God (a.k.a. Daniel Day-Lewis as Abraham Lincoln) could envy. I’m talking about Tom Hanks and you’re welcome. It’s a been a long time since the last Tom Hanks Tuesday. I assume you’ve all been waiting impatiently, glued to your copies of “Turner and Hooch” in a desperate attempt to rekindle what once was. Well, I’m back. But, where is Hanks?
(Hanks should be required to win every year)
In my heart? Always. At the Oscars? Nope. Hanks was noticeably absent from the biggest night in showbusiness which may be a reason for how dreadful the whole production ended up being. But, don’t fret fellow Hanksians. 2012 was a big year for Hanks. But, 2013 is gonna be even better. Further expanding his range, Hanks has two, vastly different films coming out this year. He will be playing the one, the only Walt Disney in “Saving Mr. Banks” — the new film from “The Blind Side” director John Lee Hancock — which will follow the book-to-film adaptation of “Mary Poppins.” But, before Hanks can charm us with his mustachioed whimsy as Mr. Disney, he will be in Paul Greengrass’ (“The Bourne Supremacy,” “Green Zone”) new film, “Captain Phillips” (not a sequel to “Sleeping Beauty” where Prince Phillip becomes the captain of the Titanic, I already checked). No, it’s a film about pirates. The serious, Somali kind. Not the funky, bracelet-rocking, Johnny Depp ones.
Disney. Pirates. What else could this monolith of a man do? Star in my sexual fantasies? He’s already done that. It’s called “Bosom Buddies.” Be a part of the late great Nora Ephron’s last play, “Lucky Guy” on Broadway? Yeah, actually. It was a pretty leading question to begin with. The wonderful Mr. Hanks will star as Pulitzer-winning Daily News columnist, Mike McAlary. The show began on Friday and will be playing a 5-week run at the Broadhurst Theater (for those who, like me, would definitely drop everything to fly over there and see it. Call me. Let’s go together).
Get ready folks. 2013 is gonna be the best Hanks year yet! To prepare, here’s “Step in Time” from “Mary Poppins” so you can place Hanks head over all the dusty, chimneysweeps. You’re welcome.