Anal play for all

Sex on Tuesday

The first time a guy did some back-door probing during sex, I freaked. All I could think about was the potential of things getting very, very messy. When I voiced my concerns, what I got in return was a laugh and a casual “So?”

I decided to be open-minded and give it a go. The resulting orgasm was so intense I could feel its waves throughout my entire body. When I tried to return the favor later that week, a simple “So?” didn’t cut it. I had to convince this guy to let me use a finger on him, and after only a few minutes, he begged me to stop. It wasn’t that we needed more lube or that my nail was sharp. The problem, as he so eloquently put it, was that he felt “gay.”

I tried to reassure him, but no avail. Now, this guy was straight and had never shown any signs of being homophobic. I didn’t really get it. Why would he react so negatively to something he’d been eager to try on me just last week? We talked for a bit longer, and then it was settled: His back door was (and would remain) firmly shut.

What a shame. Anal play allows for prostate stimulation, which can bring a guy to orgasm all by itself. In fact, the prostate is such a source of pleasure that it’s often referred to as the “male G-spot.” It can be indirectly stimulated by gently kneading the perineum (the space between the anus and testicles), but a finger right on it provides much more intense pleasure.

A lot of straight guys, though, will freak out if you mention it. I once asked my friend’s boyfriend if he ever let her do it to him. Instead of answering, he chided me for thinking he was “some kind of homo.” Quite the charmer, this guy.

For all my heterosexual male readers, let me tell you something. Having a finger, butt plug or dildo in your ass does not make you gay. It makes you awesome. First, it shows that you know what you want, which is hot. Second, it shows that you feel comfortable about your sexuality, which is hotter. Third, it’s going to lead to a mind-blowing orgasm. You can judge for yourselves whether that’s hot or not.

Let’s keep in mind what the word “gay” even means. In its original sense, it means “happily excited,” and now, in more common usage, it’s a synonym for “homosexual” (which means your sexual desire is directed towards someone of the same sex). Please note that nowhere in the second definition are butts mentioned.

By insinuating that anal play makes you “gay,” you are literally saying, “I believe that a finger or toy near or in my anus will force me to be attracted to men.” Yeah, and me painting my nails is going to make me fluent in Portuguese. Guys, a vibrating dildo in your behind will not make you gay overnight. In fact, it won’t make you gay at all.

To be more precise with our language, then, the notion is that anal play will make you be perceived as gay. May I ask what is so wrong with that? It’s not like someone is mistaking you for an avid neo-Nazi. It’s more similar to being asked if you’re British. A simple “no, I’m not” will clear things up, and then we can all get on with our lives without making a big fuss of it.

This stigmatized response to anal play just points to societal homophobia. Gay people have sex, fall in love and suffer heartbreak just as straight people do. They’re not some vulgar separate species. They’re not animals. Let’s stop acting as though being mistaken for gay is some big insult. It’s not.

For those readers who are interested in trying anal play, here are a few guidelines to make it as enjoyable as possible. First, try to empty your bowels a couple of hours before play, and then take a shower and clean your anus. Start with something small like a finger, and make sure to use anal lube, which is thicker than traditional vaginal lube.

The two most comfortable positions for anal play are on all fours or laying down with your legs pulled into your chest. Get comfortable, go slow and stop if you feel any pain. The male prostate is located about an inch inside the anus, toward the stomach.

A great first-time experience is to have your partner gently massage your prostate while going down on you. When you’re comfortable with a finger, look into butt plugs, anal beads and dildos.

By all means, if you’re not into trying anal play, don’t do it. I just hope you have a better reason than “that’s just gay.” For everyone else, get your toys ready, and in the original sense of the word, go have a gay old time.

Contact Elisabeth Bahadori at [email protected] or follow her on Twitter: @lisabaha.