The Red Wedding: Game of Thrones recap

HOLY S*** WHAT THE F*** JUST HAPPENED?!

GameofThrones
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It’s a few weeks into summer vacation and you’ve probably already accepted defeat: Your reading list will go unchecked, your body will not magically chisel and you will not make it to the beach unless dragged by your family for a picnic with grandma and grandpa. Instead, you’ll most likely spend the next few months doing exactly what you are doing now: sitting at your computer in sweat pants, aimlessly clicking away, reading articles about Portia De Rossi’s face between episodes of “Arrested Development,” carefully following Amanda Bynes’ slow descent into insanity and, if you are like me, counting down the weekdays until Sunday for the hour of enjoyment/horror/sex/action that is HBO’s “Game of Thrones.”

If you use the Internet, then you know that last week’s episode was shocking. After Season 3 Episode 9, “The Rains of Castamere,” aired, fans everywhere let out a collective, “HOLY F****** S*** WHAT THE M************ F*** JUST HAPPENED?!” as fans of the books let out a collective sigh and took to their message boards to remind everybody that they knew what was coming. Yes, we had finally reached the infamous and climactic Red Wedding.

So what exactly did happen in the wildest episode of television since that one Room Raiders episode with Zac Efron? Simply put, the entire Stark inner circle, made up of Robb Stark (King of the North), his pregnant wife, Talisa Maegyr, his mother, Catelyn Stark and their entourage were slaughtered by Walder Frey’s army after Robb’s uncle, Edmure Tully, married Frey’s stunning daughter, Roslin.

Earlier in the series, Catelyn had promised Walder Frey (leader of House Frey, ruler of the Twins and Lord of the Crossing), who is played by the same geezer who played Argus Filch in Harry Potter, that her son, Robb, would marry one of his daughters. When Robb broke his engagement promise by marrying Talisa Maegyr, played by Charlie Chaplin’s granddaughter Oona Chaplin, Lord Frey began cahooting with Southern army leader and grandfather of King Joffrey, Tywin Lannister, and all the while feigned loyalty to the Stark cause. However, after Robb agreed to marry his uncle to one of Lord Frey’s daughters, it appeared that the entire mess could be put behind them. However, throughout the entirety the Stark’s visit, Lord Frey was planning to massacre the Starks once Roslin and Edmure tied the knot and were carried off for their bedding ceremony.

Once the doors were shut, one of Lord Frey’s men snuck up behind Talisa and stabbed her repeatedly in her pregnant belly, murdering both her and her unborn child. As archers shot Robb and Catelyn, Frey men murdered the Stark entourage and Lord Bolton stabbed and killed Robb just before another slit Catelyn’s throat. Yes, very bloody.

So what was this episode’s take-away? If you are a fan, the Red Wedding should teach you that if you have a favorite character, do not get too attached, because the world’s most brilliant sadist George R.R. Martin will soon kill him or her off.

If you are a king, then the Red Wedding should teach you to adjust your demands when attending a wedding; always use a wedding DJ and not a live band, make sure all of the silverware is plastic, don’t invite Coldplay and have some bodyguards (really, this is a must if you are a king in rebellion and plan on going anywhere).

But what of the future of the Starks? Arya, who had made it to the Twins but was saved by the Hound, is still alive. As is her sister, Sansa, and her brothers, Bran, Rickon and Jon Snow. Who, now, is the heir to Winterfell? Who will exact revenge against Lord Frey and his buddy Lord Bolton? Hopefully these questions will tomorrow during the finale of Season 3. Until then, keep your Internet nonsense going and make a “Scumbag George R.R. Martin” meme to pass the time. Because, hey, why not? It’s not like you’re exercising or reading.

Contact Samuel Avishay at [email protected].

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