Monogamish

Megaphone

Meg Elison

Dear Megaphone,

A couple of my friends are in open relationships, poly, monogamish — whatever they want to call it. My girlfriend has been hinting about it for a while, and I kind of figured she was eventually going to pop the question about seeing other people. So she did last weekend, and I said sure, because I’ve kinda wanted to get some strange myself lately. But then she said SHE wanted to see other people, but she’s not comfortable with ME doing it.

What the hell should I do with that?

— Wasn’t Expecting That One

Oh, WETO. The important thing is to handle this calmly, like an adult. This is a very common situation people find themselves in. It’s a state we typically refer to as “Dating a Self-centered Assbag.” Luckily, there are several cures.

Break up with her in song. Break up with her on Facebook. Break up with her while making out with someone else in front of her, on her bed, wearing her PJs. Break up with her via hilarious Vine video. Ride the 51B past her on the street and scream “NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE” as you blaze by. Get down on one knee, open a small black velvet box, and when she notices that it’s empty, tell her it’s stuffed with all the fucks you give about the future of your relationship. Get creative! There is almost no way to do this wrong.

Your girlfriend thinks she deserves freedom to express herself and try new things while you deserve to wait for her to come back and tell you all about it. There’s nothing wrong with an open relationship. Most people are, in fact, in open relationships, but only 50 percent of them know that. The difference between openness and cheating is honesty and that sense of fairness. You don’t have to dump her for making this mistake, but you do have to dump her if she doesn’t get why this isn’t cool.

But seriously, WETO, even if she takes it back I’m pretty sure this is over. That she’d try this approach at all should show you pretty clearly what she thinks of you and your relationship as a whole.

Now, do the right thing and go sleep with the person she had in mind. There’s nothing like revenge sex to cheer you up after dumping someone.

 

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