A sexual performance rater and other insane apps to improve your relationship

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Hank Mitchell/Courtesy

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A UC Berkeley course load is tough, but a UC Berkeley course load plus a relationship? Almost impossible! To make it easier for all you lovebirds, here are some totally real but completely unbelievable phone applications that could help you enhance your relationship, both in and out of bed!

(Seriously, there is actually a market for these crazy apps.)

“Lick This” — free

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Oral sex and phone apps have finally converged into one crazy app. With exercises such as “Up ‘n’ Down,” “Circles” and “Freestyle” (that one requires tongue jabbing), this app promises to take your cunnilingus skills to a whole new level. Yes, it literally makes you go down on your phone. Never mind the fact that it is an inanimate object that probably has as much bacteria as bathrooms. So yummy.

“Passion” — $0.99

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Don’t know if your partner is faking it? “Passion” has the solution! Just strap on your phone before intercourse, and it’ll rate your performance in terms of duration, activity and orgasm. It uses your phone’s timer to measure duration, motion sensor to sense how much activity is going on and microphone to gauge intensity of orgasm. You can even compare high scores with other people! Is modern intimacy really just all about how long and how loud it is? This app should at least dock points for wearing a phone during sex …

“Fingle” — $1.99

 

Designed for flirting, “Fingle” is Twister for your fingers. It even comes complete with raunchy ’70s backgrounds and soundtracks to help you get freaky with your fingers. From stroking to awkward hand positions, “Fingle” covers it all. This one is actually so bad it’s good  the “Jersey Shore” of phone apps.

“Couple” — free

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“Couple” allows you to have a private messaging platform, because clearly regular texting is too average for those in love. The best part of this app, however, is by far the thumbkiss feature — essentially a vibration from your phones when both parties’ thumbs are aligned on the screen. Both phones then light up in red and vibrate suggestively in the heat of the moment. Well, anything that keeps the mushy stuff off Facebook!

“3nder” — under development

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If tongue action is not enough, perhaps “3nder” will quench your desires. The “Tinder” of three-ways helps couples look for singles for the fantasied menage a trois. Its mission as stated on its website is to “make society more open about sexual desires” and “evolve social acceptance.” Translating sexual desires into using hook-up apps is definitely an, uhh, unconventional way of advocating sexual liberation.

“Invisible Girlfriend”  $9.99, $29.99, $49.99

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Don’t have a significant other? No worries — this app helps you create one. It offers a wide range of services from fake texts to Facebook status changes (because we all know it is not official until it is on Facebook). Say goodbye to lonely nights on Netflix and hello to cuddling in bed with automated calls from your new girlfriend. Just remember admitting singlehood (as opposed to paying $49.99) is probably healthier for both your real-life relationships and your bank account.

Image Sources: Hank Mitchell and Garrett Martin (featured image)

Contact Sue Ying at [email protected].