Multinational companies suggest wallets are obsolete, with major ramifications

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Here to ameliorate the plight of many college students who forget to bring their wallets around, the Isis Mobile Wallet is a tech bundle that allows you to pay at checkout simply by scanning your phone against a contactless terminal. Sounds cool, huh? We’ve never imagined the human race would reach such a pinnacle in technological achievement, especially when Google launched pretty much the same thing in 2011. Oh wait, that was more than two years ago.

Sources* confirmed Friday that the use of wallets has significantly declined since the stock market crash of 2008, and now even more with the advent of Isis. “I used to be able to assess whether or not I like a guy just by looking at the thickness of his butt pocket, but now I can’t because most don’t even carry wallets anymore,” laments one Stanford resident**. According to her, “guys with bigger wallets tend to have bigger personalities.”

Isis Mobile Wallet, along with Google Wallet, allegedly aims to create a hassle-free world one smartphone at a time. With more than 200,000 merchants that now accept the contactless payment option and even more shoppers who use it instead of their wallets, a measurable number of romantics are having trouble finding their significant others. “Birth rates are lower than ever before,” claims one public health official. “I guess this resolves our concerns of overpopulation.” Others have vented their sexual frustration, saying that it’s tough and less emotionally transcending to bang someone whose wallet size is unknown.

The Bureau of Engraving and Printing has since been abolished after the introduction of Isis and the ensuing effects of a declining cash-oriented economy. Half of its staff was laid off due to departmental cutbacks, and the other half was fired for embezzlement attempts, which staff members thought would hedge the potential of also being offered the pink slip.

When asked what he foresees in the future for the mobile wallet, an Isis representative says the company hopes to make the world a safer place from loss and theft, because people would have one less item to worry about. Later that day, after repeated unsuccessful nights at a popular club, that representative quit his job and effectively ended his two-year dry spell.

*No actual sources used.

**Stanford sucks.

Contact Raymond Yang at [email protected].