A Guide to Modern Dating

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Haley Williams/Staff

I’m not saying I’m an expert on love, but I have had the sex at least once, give or take. So it’s not surprising that my friends are always pestering me, “How’d you even do that?”

Until now, I’ve kept my techniques a secret. But because it can get awfully lonely being so “with it” and “happening,” I’ve decided to share my tips on dating with the rest of you.

Step 1: Going Out

If you want to fall in love, the first thing to do is to poison yourself. Nobody will find your normal, competent self attractive, so it’s imperative that you drink a lot.

Begin the night at yours or a friend’s house in what is colloquially termed a “pregame.” This involves drinking cheap alcohol and talking about how much you get Beyonce. Once sufficiently drunk, migrate to a bar — essentially a darker, more cramped and often stickier version of said pregame. This is where the magic happens.

At the bar, it can help to play “drinking games.” These are games in which the loser is shouted at and then required to drink even more poison. This is fun. Most long-lasting relationships start under such circumstances.

Step 2: Flirting

Now you’re ready to flirt. Begin by buying a girl a drink to draw her out so you two can talk. At this point, you’ll probably notice that everyone around you has begun shouting. Play along. Apparently, upon entering a bar, everyone suddenly becomes hard of hearing.

When deciding what to shout about, a tried and true tactic involves discussing everything in terms of how dope it is (e.g. how dope this bar is, how dope your friends are, how un-dope ISIS is etc, etc.)

Also, it helps to wear gingham. I’m not sure why, but trust me — the best flirters wear a lot of gingham.

Step 3: Following up

Be sure to follow up with your new lady friend the next day. To cover my bases, I always send a message through every possible communication channel: Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, local bulletin boards, milk cartons.

That said, texting has become our generation’s most important method of communication. If I’m a bad texter, call me Mother Teresa, because I’m sure as hell not getting laid.

The trick to texting is to act as if it were real life. For example, if you’re texting with a lady friend back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and then she invites you to dinner, you shouldn’t respond for three to five hours. Just like in real life, people enjoy it when in the middle of a conversation you inexplicably stop speaking for several hours. And as with in-person conversations, it’s a good sign if things devolve into you two sending images of a smiling poop to each other. This means things are going well.

Step 4: First date

First dates can be awkward affairs. It’s always good to have a joke on hand. When the waitress asks, “Would you like to hear the special?” respond by looking deep into her eyes and saying, “I can already hear you.” If necessary, explain to the group (waitress+date) how you just engaged in an act of wordplay to tell the waitress that she is special. Everyone will be comforted by your command over language and the situation.

Woman also love men who are unpredictable. If you’re reading this right now, I can predict that you’re reading it; ipso facto, sorry, you’re predictable! But fear not, there are plenty of ways to let that special someone know you’re a fuckin’ wild card. Tell that crazy story about your friend, but pretend it happened to you. Try occasionally breaking off the conversation by speaking in a language you just made up. Or, when you go to pay the bill and she asks if you’re sure you don’t want to split it, become visibly hesitant and agitated. This will set the tone for the rest of the night.

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Unfortunately, at this point I have little advice left to give, mostly because I’ve never really made it this far. But if you’re still struggling, remember that there’s always OkCupid. And if you’re a female who is still struggling, always remember that my OkCupid username is face_lykke_gosling123.

 

Contact Curan Mehra at [email protected]