The Society for the Advancement of Ghosts convenes

Zhang_illustration
Shufan Zhang/Staff

MINUTES OF THE 146th ANNUAL HALLOWEEN BOARD MEETING OF THE UC BERKELEY CHAPTER OF THE SOCIETY FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF GHOSTS (SAG) (WE CAME FIRST, YOU CHANGE IT, POMPOUS ACTORS)

– FRIDAY, OCT. 31, 2014 –

LOCATION: NORMAL MEETING SITE IN BASEMENT OF BOWLES HALL HAS BEEN CHANGED TO HEARST ANNEX THIS YEAR DUE TO CONSTRUCTION/SOLIDARITY WITH THE WOMEN’S FIELD HOCKEY TEAM.

Council convened at 11:30 AM, board President Mario Savio presiding. Present were board members John Paul (J.P.) Dwinelle; Paul John (P.J.) Dwinelle; Pappy Waldorf; Suzie Sullivan (Panhellenic president 1948); Tom, founder of MySpace; and newly elected board member ghost of Cloyne Court Hotel (CCH).

Also in attendance were Ghost of the Normal Sleep Cycle, Ghost of Lower Sproul (to be completed Spring of 2036) and ASUC President Pavan Upadhyayula.

SAG board members observed a moment of silent prayer and recited the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag. MOMENT OF RECESS while boardmember Sullivan recovered from shock of no longer being able to place hand on heart.

There being no objection, minutes of previous meeting of SAG Board reviewed, approved and incinerated in the Earth’s core and then thrown into the river Styx.

Items on the meeting agenda and items brought up by board members were dealt with as follows:

MOTION PRESENTED BY: board President Mario Savio

I hereby MOVE that the society honor the 50th anniversary of the Free Speech Movement by enforcing a strict Halloween costume dress code policy. Only costumes that refer to, depict or cherish the image of FSM founder Mario Savio (i.e. mild pompadour, megaphone, burning zeal for social justice) will be permitted. Potential disciplinary measures for offenders include: rapid disintegration of intestines, theft of bike seat.

VOTE TALLY

Mr. Savio: Y
Mr. Dwinelle: Y N
Mr. Dwinelle: N Y
Mr. CCH: Abstain; costumes are a social construct.
Ms. Sullivan: Y
Mr. Tom, founder of MySpace: I am not a ghost.
Mr. Waldorf: Y

MOTION ADOPTED

MOTION PRESENTED BY: boardmember Suzie Sullivan, Panhellenic president ’48

I hereby MOVE that we give those fuddy duddies over at Sigma Chi a good ol’ haunting, because they never serenade us gals or even ask us out to be bop, which everyone knows is usually SUCH a gas. I mean, ever since our boys have come back from the war, it just doesn’t seem —

MOMENT OF RECESS as President Savio informed boardmember Sullivan what decade we are in.

MOTION TABLED

MOTION PRESENTED BY: Boardmember P.J. Dwinelle & Boardmember J.P. Dwinelle

We hereby MOVE to renew the board’s lucrative contract with BP Oil, allowing their scientists to continue to perform experiments upon and farm the organs of those students who become lost in the building we have so artfully

— PARTS OF THIS HAVE BEEN REDACTED —

MOTION ADOPTED

MOTION PRESENTED BY: Boardmember Pappy Waldorf

I hereby MOVE that we continue our efforts in preventing the violent and catastrophic movement of the fault line beneath California Memorial Stadium, thus avoiding the tragic deaths of tens of thousands of innocent, honorable and true sports fans. RELATED: I recommend that we increase our yearly Krazy Glue budget to $1.2 billion.

VOTE TALLY

Mr. Savio: Y
Mr. Dwinelle: N Y
Mr. Dwinelle: Y N
Mr. CCH: Y
Ms. Sullivan: Y
Mr. Tom, founder of MySpace: I am not a ghost.
Mr. Waldorf: Y

MOTION ADOPTED

MOTION PRESENTED BY: Boardmember Tom, founder of MySpace

I hereby MOVE that the board recognize that though I am an exceedingly prominent UC Berkeley alumnus and do deserve significant decision-making power, I am not yet a ghost and thus do not belong on the board of SAG. Furthermore, I MOVE that the board acknowledge that MySpace is still a vibrant social networking music platform with —

MOMENT OF RECESS as President Savio reminded boardmember Tom that “free speech is not for everyone.”

MOTION TABLED (INDEFINITELY)

– PUBLIC COMMENT –

SPEAKING: Chancellor Nicholas Dirks

COMMENT: I would like to address the board of UC Berkeley SAG regarding the issue of UC Berkeley’s future. Due to cuts at the national and state levels, we are today relying more and more upon the generosity of private donors in order to ensure that UC Berkeley fulfills its responsibility of providing high-quality, low-cost education to the young people of this state. I therefore humbly ask this body, which has been such a beloved institution in the history of this great university, to consider making even a small donation which will help guarantee —

MOMENT OF RECESS as Chancellor Dirks was engulfed in a massive ball of fire and carried off in the talons of a three-headed harpy.

– PUBLIC COMMENT CLOSED –

BOARD MEETING CONCLUDED WITH THE CEREMONIAL SAG RITUALS OF POSSESSING OSKI AND FORCING HIM TO KEEP DANCING, FOREVER; CURSING THOSE METAL CIRCLES BY MEMORIAL GLADE BECAUSE WHY NOT; DANCING TO “MONSTER MASH.”

– MEETING ADJOURNED –

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