The funniest Yelp reviews for Bay Area restaurants

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Michael Drummond/File

“Let’s try someplace new!” This excited statement is inevitably followed by a perusal of Yelp reviews of the surrounding area and an increasingly heated round of “you decide,” “no, you decide.” On the whole, Yelp reviews are informative but not the most entertaining. But there are a few lonesome gems amongst the myriad of descriptions of restaurant interiors, waiters and meals that all seem to blend together after reading too many. Some of these come from well meaning but absent-minded people, others from those whose vehemence scares us even through the shield of the Internet — and some actually strike the perfect balance between witty and helpful. We at the Clog offer you a compilation of some of the funniest Yelp reviews on Bay Area restaurants that we have found.

Top Dog

Of course someone was going to make this joke. How passe. Doing any sort of word play involving meat has to be done carefully, or else you risk sounding like a 12-year-old boy who doesn’t quite know how to make a proper dirty joke yet.

Props for the thought-out simile, but Top Dog is too tasty for any of this to matter. We didn’t even realize people looked at the employees handling our orders. We’re too busy watching in eager anticipation our hot dogs get grilled.

A drunken haze-influenced poem about hot dogs does not make a man Charles Bukowski instantaneously. Just because your words rhyme does not mean the poem is good. We do, however, share your sentiments about tearing up over the idea of not having Top Dog.

Apparently, Top Dog is creating more poets than UC Berkeley’s English department. This one takes on a more Keats-y tone in comparison to the previous Yelp poem, though. There’s just something so whimsical about words such as “benighted” being used in a poem about hot dogs.

La Burrita

Not sure why the tirade aimed at college students takes up the majority of this review for a burrito shop. We’re not sure why frat boys wouldn’t appreciate a vegan-friendly restaurant. Many are animal lovers. Just read the Clog’s article on Frat Pets.

Taco Bell

Taco Bell creates consumers who are the most inconsiderate human beings ever — something we already guessed. Something about that ground mystery meat and the squirted-from-a-condiment-gun guacamole just attracts a certain kind of person. Although we can’t deny that Taco Bell is perhaps one of the hottest munchie/drunchie locations, our greatest condolences go out to this person.

We just don’t even know about this one. Maybe, there’s a secret relationship between the Taco Bell mascot and a plantation owner that we don’t know about. We also don’t know what this says about the food.

Dim Sum King

This one deeply concerns us. The thought of having delicious Chinese food usually doesn’t include images of little critters running around. But the image of an owner chasing after a scurrying rat into the kitchen does offer a great source of entertainment for all those not involved in the incident.

Best part: the bad service for not dusting the rat off his or her shoulder. Also, how does someone not realize a rat is on his shoulder? It’s one thing to not notice a spider, but a rat? We guess if Ratatouille got away with hiding under someone’s hat, then this one could get away with sitting on this guy’s shoulder …

Cheeseboard

We’re assuming this guy is not a vegetarian. Also, are cheese hippies a thing? Because that seems like a good life and one that must be looked into immediately.

This guy gets straight to the point. No frills at all, which is appreciated, but more elaboration would have been nice.

Gregoire

Who knew Gregoire could be such a sassy pants? With a reputation like the one Gregoire has, we could probably have guessed that. After all, it has four stars on Yelp, which can go to some restaurants’ head.

Chez Panisse

It appears that the more you pay for your meal, the worse the service is. Maybe it’s part of the experience? Expensive restaurants must have snooty waiters so you feel slightly riff-raffish at all times.

 

San Francisco County Jail

Who knew San Francisco County Jail was so generous with the milk and socks? Now we know where we want to get incarcerated. We’re glad this person has also given advice about taking mug shots. It has been noted, as we have seen those tragic celebrity ones and just couldn’t bear to have ours looking anything like them.

Well, the food isn’t so great, but at least you’ve got people like this sharing a cell with you. We’re glad this guy finally found a place to socialize for once, even if it’s forced. We’re also glad he used the euphemism “semi-hotel” and wanted his mother to get to enjoy this “semi-hotel” as well.

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Contact Nora Harhen at [email protected].