A guide to being single on Valentine’s Day

In Berkeley, we like to be as aware as possible. We’re aware of the struggle and of our privilege, and even Feb. 14 — or should we say, Singles Awareness Day — can’t stop our consciousness crusade. That’s right, we at the Clog are raising consciousness, and as part of our efforts, we’re dishing out tips to navigate the most important of days with the most important of people (here’s where you say, “me, myself, and I”).

1. Get yourself a Palentine, stat.

What’s a Palentine, you ask? This term, coined by this Clogger eons ago, refers to a platonic pal who pairs up with you on SAD to buy you presents and tell you how attractive you are. Let’s be honest, lavishing attention on yourself is all well and good, but two people are always better than one — and you deserve to be celebrated in the most elaborate way possible.

2. Book your chocolate fountain in advance.

Look, all we’re saying is that all the people in committed relationships will be eating out — and that leaves the chocolate fountain market wide open. You might have to eat at home, but you can have a chocolate-dipped extravaganza, just like they do at Crossroads. Chocolate-dipped strawberries, chocolate-dipped pasta, chocolate-dipped household implements — you can, and will, cover any item with chocolate-y deliciousness at will. Just don’t let all that power get to your head.

3. Re-enact your favorite rom-com scenes.

‘Tis the day for romance — or awareness of lack of romance — and it’s never been a better time to star in your own Berkeley-themed romantic movie. Strawberry Creek clearly exists for you to reenact the “Dirty Dancing” lifts-in-the-water sequence (Don’t let the lack of water bother you. It’s acting, after all). The Campanile is a natural stand-in for a Rapunzel-esque tower, if you can wax animated. Your own balcony is perfect for a “Say Anything,” old jukebox serenade. The possibilities are limitless.

4. Order yourself a UC Men’s Octet a cappella serenade.

Traditionally, a significant other orders one of these to surprise their partner and show their undying love — but who loves you more than you love yourself? Now you have a socially acceptable excuse to show your love to the world. On other days, this would be called “selfish” or even “narcissistic,” but on SAD it’s called “self-appreciation” and “self-empowerment.” Go figure (and take advantage of it while you can).

5. Raise your standards.

Look, clearly your significant other is going to have to appreciate you more than you appreciate yourself — and after that a cappella serenade, that’s going to be a tall order. In light of this revelation, we at Clog think SAD should be a time to raise your standards, not capitulate and accept the first plebeian who comes along. Raise your head high and wear your patented do-not-approach-me-Sproul-flyerers face as you walk along, and everyone will sense your empowerment. Or, at the very least, your SAD will be blissfully flyer-free.

Image Sources: maf04

Contact Emma Schiffer at [email protected].

Correction(s):
A previous version of this article referred to Singles Awareness Day as SAW. In fact, it is SAD.

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