How to put off doing your laundry

LAUNDRY

Ah, laundry. If only we could travel back in time to the days when our mothers did our laundry. The clothes smelt so good, felt so soft. Now our clothes are marred with random bleach stains and are awkwardly shrunken down. The fabric isn’t as soft or as bright as it used to be back in those days, and you no longer have the time to wrap yourself up in the warmth of the clothes coming just out of the dryer. Laundry is just a nuisance and an inconvenience now that we have to do it on our own. Time spent stuffing jeans into washers and dryers could be better spent lazing about on Memorial Glade with a Cheese ‘n’ Stuff sandwich in hand. If only there were a way to extend the time between laundry loads …

Buy more underwear.

How many pairs of underwear is how most people tend to gauge when they need to do laundry, because it’s the one item you can’t really rewear more than once. Turning your worn pairs of underwear inside out is, of course, the first step in extending your time from doing laundry, but it can only work for so long. If you really do need to buy more time, why not buy more underwear? Why not even those big packs of Hanes they sell at pharmacies? We’re not looking for sexy here. Anything will do in moment of desperation.

Use Febreeze and more Febreze.

Give your clothes a heavy Febreze shower. We’re not sure what kind of magic and witchcraft goes on to make bad odors mysteriously disappear, but we greatly enjoy and appreciate it. We want to thank you, Febreze, for saving all of our smelly clothes. We imagine our roommates would also like to offer a thanks as well.

Remove those wrinkles and stains.

Worn clothes inevitably end up squashed and wrinkled due to the unwieldy weight of other clothes piled on top of them. Wrinkles are a key indicator — other than smell — that clothes are not as fresh as they could be. So spritz a little wrinkle releaser on those old clothes, and hopefully, they’ll look a little less worn in. A Tide to Go stick may also be a good addition if you have some stains on your clothes.

Wear the clothes you really hate.

You know those ones. The unbecoming black turtleneck you bought when you thought you were going to be a philosophy major. The Juicy Couture sweatpants you loved so dearly at 14. That shirt from Buffalo Exchange you loved so much a month ago, but then someone told you you looked like Velma from Scooby Doo in it.

Borrow other people’s clothes.

Say they can borrow your clothes whenever they want to, but be sure to tell them that if all goes as hoped, they won’t be clean for a very long time.

Get someone else to do it for you.

Goad a significant other or a friend — or even an acquaintance — who owes you favor to do the task at hand. You can no longer beg your mother to do it for you, but you sure can beg other people. This is really the ultimate solution, as you get your clothes all nice and clean at no expense of your own. Make vague promises about all the things you’ll do for them in return. Sure, some may say it’s cruel, but who cares about your morality being called into question when you have a pile of clean clothes?

Give up.

Laundry always wins.

Contact Nora Harhen at [email protected].