You know who you are. You’re the person who can slam down a jar of Skippy in less than a week. You’re the person whose anxiety flares more from your roommate’s failure to restock the peanut butter than from your lack of summer internship plans. You’re the person who can eat peanut butter any place, any time and with anyone — even 10 minutes before a hot yoga session at Yoga to the People — with no bodily consequences whatsoever. But never fear: You aren’t alone! We, too, prefer this particular spread, be it instead of any run-of-the-mill Trader Joe’s jelly or Golden Bear Cafe hummus. Sometimes we even opt for this nutty condiment instead of the much-coveted guacamole with our midafternoon feast of taco chips. Even the most dedicated peanut butter connoisseurs, however, can occasionally struggle with such a die-hard habit.
1. We always wind up with peanut butter hands …
Once we’ve entered the dreaded gray area where the peanut butter jar is too empty to successfully dip chips into without submerging our entire hand into a sticky abyss, but still full enough that we try to do so anyway, we sadly find ourselves with more peanut butter on our hands than in our stomachs.
2. … and peanut butter face.
Not to mention that our raging feasting often leads to poor motor control and peanut butter being flung every which way. It inevitably ends up not in our mouths but on our nose, in our nose, in our hair and just about anywhere else you can imagine.
3. And it always seems to get stuck on the way down.
There’s absolutely nothing worse than gulping down a heaping spoonful of this delicacy on the way out the door, only to regret that decision for the next five minutes as we grapple with clearing the air passage.
4. We get too excited when new peanut butter products come out.
There’s absolutely nothing better than shuffling into Safeway content if not a little underwhelmed with our standing purchase of Captain Crunch, when … PEANUT BUTTER CAPTAIN CRUNCH!!!
5. We try to make “creative” peanut butter delicacies of our own — needless to say, this doesn’t work.
Whoever said “no-bake peanut butter balls” were a good idea is not our friend. Although, to be honest, our not-quite Food Network-caliber capacity to prepare food might also be to blame for our repeatedly failed peanut butter pursuits.
6. So we just end up shoveling it out of the jar with a spoon.
At the end of the day, there’s no better way to consume large quantities of peanut butter than in its purest, most natural state. It is in peanut butter that we must place our hope; it is time to embrace our fiendish ways. Grab a spoon, fork, ladle or whatever have you, and eat on.