50 thoughts we have while walking up a Berkeley hill

North Gate
Rayanne Piaña/File
  1. Wow, we’re actually leaving early for our English 45A lecture.
  2. We left ourselves plenty of time to walk to North Gate Hall, and we’re just going to have a nice leisurely stroll for a change.
  3. The Campanile is beckoning, Memorial Glade is shimmering … it’s a beautiful day for a walk.
  4. Even if it is 80 degrees outside.
  5. Alright, it’s starting to get a little hot in here.
  6. “…So take off all your clothes!”
  7. What even happened to Nelly? Is he dead?
  8. No, focus. Keep walking forward.
  9. It’s been 10 minutes and we haven’t even passed Memorial Glade yet.
  10. Pick up the pace, people, pick up the pace.
  11. Okay, not that fast, we still want to look like humans when we get to North Gate — not puddles.
  12. But that might be impossible in this heatwa —
  13. Holy crap. What is that monstrosity in front of us?
  14. Is that what they call a hill here? Because it looks suspiciously like the side of a mountain.
  15. Seriously, someone get out a protractor. This has to be 90 degrees.
  16. We’re getting dizzy just looking at it!
  17. We might just faint and give up. Do you think that would get us out of lecture?
  18. Maybe we went crazy from the heat and it’s really just a small slope.
  19. Speaking of crazy, do you hear “Someone Like You,” or is it just me?
  20. Seriously, do you see a golden-tongued songstress, or are we delusional?
  21. Why?
  22. Because we’re in a dell.
  23. (Get it, a dell? Adele? Tell us we’re funny.)
  24. But seriously, it’s time to get up this hill.
  25. We’re really starting.
  26. Right … now.
  27. Okay, we were just faking you out. But we’re really starting.
  28. Memorial Glade looks so nice, though. Maybe we should just sleep.
  29. Don’t we deserve a nap after our struggles?
  30. No —  we have to push on. What if the cute person in our class finds another classmate to like in our absence?
  31. Okay, that’s probably not going to happen …
  32. Mostly because that person does not know we exist.
  33. But they’ll notice us after we’re the only person to make it up this hill!
  34. Maybe because we’ll have no competition.
  35. But still, it’s a victory.
  36. Good thing we skipped leg day at the RSF, or we couldn’t handle this.
  37. We feel like we’ve been struggling forever. How much have we walked?
  38. Two feet? Well, the change in altitude is startling.
  39. The air is thinner up here. You can tell because we’re struggling to breathe.
  40. (Maybe it’s just because we’re out of breath.)
  41. If we get up this hill alive, we solemnly swear to go to the RSF every day.
  42. We’re going to get in shape, and we’ll never have this struggle again.
  43. But if we don’t make it up this hill alive, tell our parents we love them.
  44. Don’t tell them we drowned in our own sweat though.
  45. That’s just embarrassing.
  46. We want them to remember us as we were.
  47. The thought brings tears to our eyes —
  48. Or is that sweat? We honestly can’t tell anymore.
  49. We see salvation! North Gate Hall has never looked more beautiful. We can’t wait to get inside.
  50. Oh no — are those stairs?

Contact Emma Schiffer at [email protected].