March 4, 2015
A jarring thought today: I used to have different routines. Routines I would carry out every day for years. And now they’ve been totally replaced by new ones.
March 17, 2015
Sometimes I think I hate writing, because writing is so neat. I have always written what I wish could be into existence. And so when I wrote it, the story ended with me in love, hoping — believing — that I was rushing toward a future spent with the one I loved so breathlessly, so much. But life goes on, and I don’t have what I wanted; I never did. It was all fantasy. Just words. And I see the evaporation of what I had wanted so late, too late, but still life goes on. And on. Relentlessly.
April 4, 2015
I fell in love today. Or thought I did. Who is he, what did we talk about, why did I feel this way? It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t, probably. But what matters is that today, this sunlit day by the sea, I loved him. Or thought I could. I was young and there was promise in his smile, my admiration of his hands, his thigh gently against mine in the car.
Even when I see him next, I somehow sense the moment will have evaporated.
April 6, 2015
I don’t really live like I’m going to die tomorrow, but I think like I will.
April 12, 2015
On Tuesday evening, I drove after class to Half-Moon Bay, south of San Francisco, to spend the evening with Wes, who is there for a few days. The drive was itself was beautiful and free, just like the drive up Pacific Coast Highway.
And then I arrived at his hotel — the Ritz — a beautiful gray mansion, really, by a sprawling golf course and the sea … and waiting outside was someone to take my car, and inside, the sunset glowed in through wide bay windows to set gorgeously aflame the dining rooms, full of graceful people sipping wine and laughing. My heart seized with joy at the loveliness of the scene and with the realization that this loveliness — at least, this impossibly attractive glamour and elegance — comes only with money.
I want to be a revolutionary. I want to condemn the greed of the world. But I looked into that glowing dining room and understood it. And knew I was not above it.
May 1, 2015
From tonight — remember standing on the balcony thinking, “I am happy, and every bad thing that’s happened in my life has, in some way, led me to this moment of happiness.”