Chancellor Dirks’ wishlist

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Kore Chan/File

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When it comes to buying gifts for your most beloved school administrator, there’s no need to play the guessing game. Tailored for Chancellor Nicholas Dirks, this buying guide will ensure that you’ll be gifting the top administrator of the No. 1 public university in the world with the No. 1 gift he deserves. Regardless of what gift you decide to send Dirks’ way, don’t forget to add a thoughtful card to let him know just how much he means to you.

The most distinctive facial feature of our fearless chancellor is definitely his eyebrows. Help support Dirks’ bushy brows by getting him a brand new eyebrow pencil for the holidays. A focal point of his face, the chancellor’s brows have become a symbol of UC Berkeley. The way they keep growing, upward and outward, reminds us of ourselves as we search for knowledge. Their quest to dominate his face mimics our quest to dominate the world. Keep the brows big by getting him a new brow pencil in the shade of “Silver Fox.”

Along with keeping his eyebrows on fleek, the chancellor needs to keep his glasses clean. Dirks’ glasses are his second-most distinguishable feature. Can you imagine what would happen if he couldn’t see clearly out of those round spectacles of his? Purchase glasses cleaner for our dear chancellor, and he’ll have a crystal clear vision for our university.

The chancellor’s signature look would not be complete without a snazzy UC Berkeley tie. If choosing a tie from the slew of available UC Berkeley ties becomes too overwhelming, just remember that luckily, blue and gold look great on everyone. As long as the tie has the colors of our esteemed campus, it’ll be exactly Dirks’ style. Try to go for something with a gold base and blue accents, preferably with Oski’s face very largely superimposed over the tie’s background. Be sure to keep in mind that the more obnoxious the tie looks, the better.

A fuzzy bear hat would make a functional yet thoughtful gift for our chancellor, as it will help keep his head warm. It’s also incredibly stylish and a perfect outward manifestation of his inner school spirit. Whether he’s watching a football game from the comfort of his own home or in his own special suite, having a bear hat will keep him in the gameday zone. Plus, these hats have long, dangling paws that can also function as a scarf, mittens or a holder for the chancellor’s beer.

Of course, appearance isn’t the only thing our chancellor has to worry about. Think about all the paperwork dearest Dirks must go through daily and how when a gust of wind blows through his office, those papers are likely to go flying every which way. Help keep the chancellor’s paper piles neat and organized by giving him the gift of a paperweight, perhaps one shaped like Oski or the Campanile. If you can’t find one on Amazon, we suggest taking up pottery and artfully crafting one of your own. Just think about how much a heartfelt homemade gift would mean to our campus’s top administrator.

This guide offers ideal gifts for your magnificent chancellor, but many of these double as excellent presents for a loved one. No dad of a UC Berkeley student should be without a UC Berkeley tie. Aunt Barbara’s eyebrows aren’t quite on fleek and could use a touch-up. Little Jimmy would look adorable in a fuzzy bear hat. This year, celebrate the holidays the blue-and-gold way — let your friends and family know you love them as much as you love UC Berkeley.   

Contact Rachel Feder at [email protected].

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