How screwed are you for finals?

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We’re all well-acquainted with the feeling of stomach-dropping panic that comes along with every big exam. The mantra “I’m screwed for this test” has been echoed in every study session, floor lounge and reserved room in Main Stacks, if not since the beginning of time itself, then at least since the founding of the university. While we at the Clog may not be able to help you with the actual act of studying, what we can do is help you figure out precisely how badly finals are going to wreck you and your GPA. Of course, you could always just stop taking silly quizzes on the Internet and go read what you’re supposed to be reading — but that just isn’t as fun, is it?

Please check off all the true statements below:

  • I haven’t started studying.
  • I’m going to start studying soon, probably in the beginning days of RRR Week.
  • I’m going to start studying around Wednesday or Thursday of RRR Week.
  • I’m going to start studying the weekend before finals.
  • I’m going to start studying the night before my first final.
  • The previous four questions accurately mirror what my thought process will probably be like over the coming RRR Week.
  • It’s okay to start studying the morning of a final; there’s more than enough time, and I work better under stress, anyway.
  • Three hours is a good amount of time to learn and understand a semester’s worth of information.
  • I have more than three finals to take.
  • My finals all occur on consecutive days, without a rest day in between.
  • Two or more of my finals occur on the same day.
  • Two or more of my finals occur on the same day, with an hour or less in between them.
  • Two of my finals occur at the exact same time, and I should never be allowed near TELE-Bears without a chaperone who, unlike me, actually possesses common sense.
  • I am in CS61A.
  • I am in Chem 1A.
  • I am in both Chem 1A and CS61A, and I should never be allowed near TELE-Bears without a chaperone who, unlike me, actually possesses common sense.
  • I have a working subscription to Netflix.
  • I possess an account on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, Snapchat or any other social media website, except Google+.
  • I have Internet service, which, thanks to AirBears2, is frequently not working, but is still good enough for me to manage to get onto social media websites and Netflix.
  • I know which drinks at Caffe Strada contain the most caffeine, but I have no idea what’s happened in the last month of class.
  • My way of studying for tests generally involves procrastination followed by frantic routine memorization.
  • My way of doing homework generally involves copying my friend’s paper, looking at the answers I’ve copied and not understanding any of what I’ve just written.
  • My way of attending lecture is not attending lecture, and my professor thinks I’m dead or maybe that I just never existed in the first place.
  • I don’t go to office hours.
  • I don’t go to review sessions.
  • I don’t go to discussion section.
  • My way of looking at my GPA involves a pint of ice cream, lots of tears and frequent mental chanting of the mantra “Cs get degrees.”
  • One of my finals is worth more than 25 percent of my grade.
  • One of my finals is worth more than 40 percent of my grade.
  • One of my finals is worth more than 55 percent of my grade.
  • I have more free-answer finals than I have multiple-choice finals.
  • I have a borderline grade in a class right now and this final is my only hope of going up a letter grade.
  • I have a borderline grade in a class right now and this final is my only hope of passing.
  • I have a borderline GPA right now and this final is my only hope of remaining enrolled at UC Berkeley.
  • I am planning on getting less than four hours of sleep the night before any one of my finals.
  • I am planning on consuming four or more Starbucks Doubleshots, or any other energy drink, within a 24-hour period sometime before any one of my finals.
  • I am planning on crying sometime before any one of my finals.
  • I am prepared and willing to tie one of my friends down on a shrine, surround them with sage, goat’s blood and Cal memorabilia and sacrifice them to the Great and Terrible Lord Oski, He Who Sees All, to get an A on any one of my finals.
  • The most I know about one of my classes is the subject that it’s on, and I got that from looking at the course name.
  • I think I’m a little screwed for finals.
  • I think I’m pretty screwed for finals.
  • I think I’m so screwed for finals that I might as well be a small metal implement, characterized by a helical ridge and commonly sold at home improvement retailers such as Lowe’s and Home Depot, used for fastening materials together.
  • I don’t think I’m very screwed for finals. I know it. 
  • I am deeply considering pressing the “Cancel Registration” button, and I should never be allowed near TELE-Bears without a chaperone who, unlike me, actually possesses common sense.
  • I’ve spent more time calculating what I need to get on my final to get an A in the class than actually studying for the final.
  • I’ve spent more time taking a silly Internet quiz than reading what I’m supposed to be reading and actually studying for the final.
  • When I type “r” in the search bar, Google autocompletes it with RogerHub’s Final Grade Calculator.
  • I’m taking an Internet quiz that’s going to tell me that I’m screwed for finals, because I know that I’m screwed for finals and I think that taking an Internet quiz will help me realize this more fully. But even when I do realize that I’m actually screwed for finals, I’m still not going to actually do anything about it and will probably just take more Internet quizzes.
  • I’m just not planning on studying. It’s a lost cause, anyway.

If you checked off:

0-12: At any other school, you would not be screwed for finals at all, but since this is UC Berkeley, you are only very slightly screwed for finals. We suggest skimming through your notes and then taking the rest of RRR Week off, both to celebrate the hard work you’ve done all semester and to lower the curve for the rest of us.

13-25: You are kind of screwed for finals, which makes you a little better off than most of the student body. Though RRR Week will present you with some challenges, it’s nothing you haven’t handled before. Buckle down and do your work so that you can be sure that you’ll get at least half a standard deviation above the mean on all your finals.

26-38: You’re screwed for finals. But then again, all the rest of us are screwed, too — so maybe it isn’t that bad. You’re going to have to spend a lot of time down in Main Stacks, and you might not be getting much higher than the mean on a few of your tests. But hey, there’s probably going to be a sweet curve to help you out. Maybe next time, stop telling yourself that you’ll start studying tomorrow when you know you’ll really spend the whole day watching “The Office.”

39-49: You’re really screwed for finals. Dig out those notebooks you abandoned within the first week of school and start going through the lecture slides you said you’d look over but never actually did, right now. If you don’t, you’re probably going to be that person who gets the three out of 55 on the exam and makes everyone else feel better about their own 17 out of 55. Also, you might want to look into procuring an IV that drips caffeine directly into your bloodstream. At this point, you need all the help you can get.

50: May Oski have mercy on your soul. 

Contact Ariel Sauri at [email protected].