Authorities crack down on student monopoly of library seating

doe library
Nicole White/File

Late last night at 4:20 a.m., the UC Berkeley Police Department was informed of the whereabouts of a student group responsible for fixing rates to reserve library seating in Main Stacks, Doe, the Valley Life Sciences Building and Moffitt. This student group on campus, aptly named “You Can’t Sit With Us,” had been responsible for creating a monopoly of seating for students wanting to study for finals. For the past five years, these students have been providing an exclusive service of saving seats and telling others to scram for a premium price. YCSWU had charged rates of up to $750 to $1,500 for reserving a single seat in the library of the client’s choice.

Reggie George and Greta Weiners, the leaders of YCSWU, were responsible for manipulating students into paying a ludicrous amount of money to tell other students that they couldn’t sit in their clients’ chairs. When the police received an anonymous tip that the two of them were plotting to expand their monopoly to the ASUC Student Union seating, the police ambushed the two conspirators. The police had discovered them at work in an abandoned classroom in Dwinelle Hall. A book of burns was also found on the premises, detailing hard evidence of their wrongdoing.

Librarians and students have been afraid to blow the whistle on this underground monopoly because of the influence of George’s and Weiners’ powerful parents. According to claims by hundreds of students, Weiners had threatened that her father, the inventor of Pop Tarts, would hear about it if any students were to bust them.

Greta Weiners, a third year business major, was George’s right-hand woman and had the following to say in defense of the validity of YCSWU upon her arrest, “I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m popular.”

Rest assured, the police department has promised students that they will be able to have seats in the libraries of their choice for this upcoming RRR Week.

Carter Heron, a fourth year who was forced to pay upwards of $1,000 for a spot in Main Stacks last year, was relieved to hear the news that YCSWU has been disbanded. Heron shared, “I always felt personally victimized by Reggie George, who had bullied all his customers to cough up money, meal points and Chipotle gift cards for compensation. Reggie and Greta even made me wear pink on Wednesdays! Now, I am looking forward to being able to study for finals in peace and for free. I’m thankful that the limit to studying does not exist.”

Contact Abigail Balingit at [email protected].

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  • Dan C

    This is clearly fake just for laughs. Watch Mean Girls.

  • Hi

    Oh crap. Abigail thinks she’s the Onion. We’re all doomed!

    Abby, honey, what’s going on in the real world? [*SLAP*] Seriously, sweetie, [*SLAP* *SLAP*] Get a grip. Save it for April Fool’s Day. [*SLAP*]

    • What’s with all the slapping… is it some kind of fetish that you have… are you a dominatrix… do you get off on slapping people…

    • JO

      Those smacks would sure teach her. Some women only respond well to corporal punishment.

  • Sand Swath Leave Me Here

    took me a ridiculously long time to realize that this wasn’t real

    i’m talking like 3rd to last paragraph

  • Bob Bell

    In the finest tradition of Berkeley students standing up (no pun intended) against injustice, this despicable practice has been crushed (by “The Man”) after a mere five years. # studentseatsmatter #freeourchairs

  • So Kali

    Sue the bastards. Then after they lose, MAYBE they won’t go on to do the same crimes in the business world!

    • I hope you realize this is satire…

      • Hi

        Yo, Caesar Merlin! Come here! Closer! A bit closer! Okay, now keep still. [*SLAP*] Your ellipsis is uncalled for. A single period would have sufficed. Three makes you look beyond effeminate. It makes you look ignorant. Edit your ignorant effeminate post NOW!