How to not sound completely clueless on Super Bowl Sunday

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SRAVYA SINGAMPALLI |/Staff

Football is notorious for many things, including, but not limited to: shoulder pads, high rates of cranial injury, helmets with a cage for your face and good red-blooded American-ness. Perhaps the most recognizable aspect of the sport, however, is the complicated set of rules by which it seems to abide. Why are random players tackling each other to the ground? Why do they have to keep going back to that one-yard line? Does anyone actually know what a “down” is? Despite having studied the sport for years, leading scientists are still at a loss for answers — but we at the Clog have your back with this piece of time-honored advice: Fake it ‘til you make it. Okay, so you might not understand anything that’s happening on-screen this Sunday, but with our shaky knowledge of football culture, you’ll look like you do — and that’s just as good as actually knowing what’s going on (right?).

Before the game:

  • I’m very excited to see the Carolina Panthers play against the Denver Broncos. Did you know that both teams are from the United States?
  • I am not just looking forward to watching the half-time show and the commercials.
  • A little-known fact is that this will be the 50th Super Bowl that was ever held. Bet you didn’t know!
  • I can’t wait for the traditional releasing of the eagles to signal the beginning of the game.

During the first half:

  • You’re not allowed to use your hands! They’re all cheating!
  • Look, it’s Jared Goff!
  • Well, based on the stats for this season and taking into account the commentary from ESPN, I can say with absolute certainty that either the Panthers or the Broncos will win the Super Bowl.
  • Red card! That man is only hitting a .42 streak. That’s 3 below par!

During the half-time show:

  • The game isn’t over yet, everyone. It may look that way, but it’s actually just half-time, which is when the football players all show off their musical talent on a stage suspended in the middle of the field.
  • I hope Coldplay makes it to the yard line before the next down.
  • The Super Bowl is much better than the Puppy Bowl, which, incidentally, is playing on the Discovery Channel if anyone wants to, I don’t know, switch the channel for a few seconds. I mean, I definitely don’t!
  • That band was pretty good, but it was nothing compared to SpongeBob and his marching band at the Bubble Bowl.
  • LEFT SHARK LEFT SHARK LEFT SHARK LEFT SHARK LEFT SHARK!

During the second half:

  • Again, and let me say this with the utmost confidence: I am definitely not here just for the commercials.
  • I love foosball!
  • I can’t believe that they’re letting the Broncos kick a field goal before the Panthers even have their goalie out on the field.
  • Wow! Did you see that man throw that prolate spheroid?
  • GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!

After the game:

  • Wow! That was a really great game of rugby. I can’t wait for the Super Bowl next week!

Contact Ariel Sauri at [email protected].