Weird questions to ask your campus tour guide

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Kelsi Krandel/File

As we get farther into admissions season, it’s going to be more and more common for us to see prospective students and their parents traversing campus with a solitary, blue and gold striped tour guide at the head of the pack. These bi-colored paragons of leadership must be sick and tired of hearing the same questions repeated over and over — what are the most popular classes, what’s the oldest building, how tall is the Campanile, etc. We at the Clog have come up with some more colorful queries that the intrepid tourist can use to spice up a campus tour — your guide will thank you for it.

  1. What’s your middle name? Never mind, I found it on Facebook already. 
  2. Did you see that I “Super Liked” you on Tinder?
  3. Do you like Oski’s eyes or his smile better — or is it his winning personality that you love the most?
  4. How many times have the dinosaur fossils inside the Campanile come back to life and gone on a rampage throughout campus?
  5. If a classics major is traveling down Bancroft Way at 2 miles per hour and a chemistry major is coming in the opposite direction at 3.2 miles per hour, how angry will the physics major be when they both run into her and cause her to drop her laptop … and also what’s the mass of the sun?
  6. Are the blue and gold collared shirts standard attire for the job or are they an actual part of your body, like a turtle’s shell? If I tore the shirt off, would another one just grow back in its place?
  7. What’s your GPA?
  8. We know how far upward the Campanile extends, but how deep into the ground does it go? And at what point does it connect to the vast underground network of tunnels that lies underneath the entirety of the university, channeling secrets back and forth beneath us all?
  9. Is guac extra at the Golden Bear Cafe?
  10. Have you ever stroked Chancellor Dirks’ mustache?
  11. Can you take us to the best bathroom on campus?
  12. Do you have a favorite squirrel on campus?
  13. If you had to live in one building on campus for the rest of your life, which building would you choose and why?
  14. What would you do if someone in this tour group — me, for example — decided to continue following you around even after the tour concluded?
  15. If everyone in this tour group was dropped into the Hunger Games, right here, right now, which one of us do you think would be the first to kill and eat the others in order to survive?
  16. How many times do you dream about Oski per night?
  17. What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
  18. What do you do when you make eye contact with someone aggressively flyering on Sproul?
  19. When you tell us the history of the university, are you going to go into depth about the takeover of the administration by mole people in 1922, or are you just going to gloss over it like the rest of the tour guides?  
  20. How many times have you run into your ex on campus?
  21. On average, how many people get lost in Dwinelle Hall and are never found, doomed to wander the convoluted hallways and twisting corridors for eternity?
  22. Can you show us the best places to hide a body on campus — quickly?
  23. If someone were to hijack one of the golf carts and speed around campus leaving chaos and destruction in their wake, how long do you think they could last before they got caught?
  24. What’s your favorite memory from this spot on campus? And this spot, five feet away? And this one, another five feet away?
  25. When do we get to see the lab where all the tour guides are cloned and mass produced — or is that not on the tour?  

Contact Ariel Sauri at [email protected].