On dick pictures

cellphone_rgarnerfile
Rachael Garner/File

 

I am here to voice what may be an unpopular opinion. The truth is, I don’t mind receiving pictures of penises via text, otherwise known as dick pics. As a matter of fact, I think they can be useful. Louis CK has a joke about women not knowing what they’re getting when they sleep with men, and honestly, if you’re packing heat, it might not hurt your chances with me. Although, I’m not going to say that it can’t hurt.

But wait! Stop! Before you spam me with poorly lit cock photos, let me clarify. A picture of your dick  will never get me to sleep with you, but it might help tip the scales in your favor — if you have an exceptionally nice penis. (We’re not going to go into what makes a nice dick but needless to say, size is not the only factor. Does it look friendly? Does it look clean? These are questions the sender should ask themselves.)

This being established, you can send me your dick pics, but only if we’re in a context where you’re at least 80 percent sure I might be interested in having sex with you. Think of it like a 5-point extra credit assignment. If your grade is on the cusp between a B+ and an A-, it might bump you up to the A-. We’re UC Berkeley students, so it goes without saying that only the A range is passing.

Bearing this in mind, we need to lay down some ground rules. You might be wondering, “When is it appropriate for me to send her this amazing portrait of my love muscle?” Don’t even think about it unless there is an existing level of interest between us upon which this dick pic is predicated.  No one wants an unsolicited dick pic from that guy they met in the bar two weeks ago and haven’t had any meaningful contact with since then. Once again, no one. If this is you, delete that Snapchat and put down the phone.

If we’ve been flirting for a while, however, and the text conversation is stagnating into winky faces and kissy emojis, we might be reaching  an appropriate time to think about sending a dick pic. If you do, you should also include some sort of caption, preferably one that is witty such as “Not to scale,” or perhaps “Objects on your phone may be larger than they appear.” Surely this isn’t too much to ask.

Think of it like a 5-point extra credit assignment. If your grade is on the cusp between a B+ and an A-, it might bump you up to the A-.

The most crucial step of the dick pic process is receiving consent before you tap send. The number one complaint I hear from people is that the dick pics are unsolicited and unwanted. As scary and sad as it may be for you, hypothetical male-bodied person, you need to consider whether or not your dick is wanted both on my phone and in my life. This is absolutely non-negotiable; your dick pic needs to be consensual.

Oh, you want to let me know you’re thinking about me? There are less gross and obtrusive ways of doing that. Sending a “Hey, how are you doing?” text is usually a better intro than sending me a terrifying video of you violently smacking your penis around while I’m doing my grocery shopping (yes, the cashier at Trader Joe’s did notice the horrified look on my face, and no, I haven’t been able to go back since). Please don’t send me dick pics without warning when I’m having lunch with my grandparents or getting yelled at by my boss. Simply ask if I would like a dick pic, just as if you would (hopefully) ask me if I’d like to see it in real life. And if the answer is no, you need to accept that with grace.

Maybe I’m studying for midterms, maybe I feel like that isn’t the type of relationship I want with you; an integral part of consent is that it is freely given — so don’t harass me. But odds are, if you ask politely, I will say yes. It’s not going to hurt me, and most of the time I’m curious even if uninterested.

So, if you’ve met the criteria and I have said yes, you now can feel free to send me a dick pic (with an absolute maximum of three pictures). Just remember: Even though you have sent me a dick pic, you are still expected to be polite and follow normal dating etiquette. Be respectful! Let’s say everything is going well for you — the lighting in the photo isn’t terrible and you have some sort of aesthetically arranged situation going on. At this juncture, I will probably say something politely affirming to you like, “nice dick bro” or “cool, thanks.” If you’ve timed this really well, and your dick/photography skills are on point, I might ask you to make plans.

As scary and sad as it may be for you, hypothetical male-bodied person, you need to consider whether or not your dick is wanted both on my phone and in my life.

Depending on our level of acquaintance, it might be drinks in a public place, otherwise known as a date. You will offer to buy me a drink; I will let you buy the first round. If you’re not a total ass, I will buy the second. Perhaps you will walk me home, and I will touch your dick a little bit or a lot, depending on how well the date went and how I’m feeling. Or, if I know you well enough — perhaps we already got a drink and made out on my doorstep —  it’ll be more of a Netflix-and-chill type situation. In either scenario, I have now seen your dick and sex is on the table if we proceed, but remember: It is not guaranteed.

And so, the dick pic can be mutually beneficial. You have some sort of innate need to photograph your junk; I need funny stories to tell my friends when we’re bored. If you can follow this simple set of rules, we can all enjoy your salacious selfies.