The year is finally close to wrapping up. You’re all undoubtedly stressed out with classes and whatnot — tortuously long papers and problem sets, way-past-midway-though-the-course midterms (one of the many cruel mysteries of UC Berkeley) and readings (is anyone still doing their readings?) galore. You probably also have extracurricular stressors like clubs or various performance organizations. You’re busy. And because you’re busy, you probably have lost all patience for even the tiniest trivial annoyances in your life — namely, your roommate(s).
If you’re anything like us at the Clog, you probably have a gripe or two about your roommate(s). Regardless of whether you’re living in the dorms, in a sorority/fraternity, in a co-op, an apartment or a house, you might be getting annoyed with the people you live with. It doesn’t matter if you’re living with your best friends in the whole world or got stuck with people who are by now your arch-enemies, you must be getting tired of your living situation.
We at the Clog are here to provide you with a few “tried and true” tips on dealing with your roommate(s) from now until the end of the school year. We wish you the best of luck.
Our first tip is for when your roommate decides to do some late night upper-bunk tai chi (you know what we’re talking about), while you’re trying to sleep. Perhaps consider using an air horn (which can be purchased online here for less than $10) to alert your frisky roomie that you’re trying to get some shut eye. If this goes poorly, we suggest that you take their nighttime activity as an opportunity to talk to the two of them about the merits of having safe sex, the numerous awful diseases and infections which can be transmitted via sex and some fun facts about unplanned pregnancies. If this also doesn’t work, we suggest reminding their nighttime partner about the most recent hookup your roommate had, in detail.
Maybe your roommate is messy. The easy solution is to start stealing important and sentimental items of theirs when they’re away. Then, when they ask where their things have gone, suggest (with only the slightest degree of menace), “Why don’t you clean up you side of the room? Maybe you’ll find it in the mess.” If this tactic doesn’t work, we recommend that you write your roommate a short letter by clipping letters from newspapers and magazines, alerting them that their special item(s) have been held hostage. Write that the items will be returned only if they clean up the room, and also that they should bake their kind and totally innocent roommate cookies, just ’cause.
Our last tip is for when your roommate is stealing your stuff. Maybe they’re just eating your food. Maybe they’re stealing your clothes. Maybe large sums of money have mysteriously gone missing. We suggest that you take the mafia as inspiration for this one. You need to go “Godfather” on them: Slay a squirrel and stick the head in their bed. There should be no further problems after that.
Best of luck, and may you and your roommate(s) live happily ever after!
Contact Chris Hewitt at [email protected].