CalSuhhhhh: Overheard conversations

CalSO
Joan /Staff

It all started on a Thursday afternoon when a super-tan, Izod polo-wearing, lime green Hydroflask-sporting gentleman with a CalSO nametag around his neck found an open spot among the zoo on Memorial Glade. He opened a bag of chips and tapped the person next to him, who was wearing the same identifying lanyard, leaned back, smiled and loudly said, “Dude, they should call this CalSuhhhhh.”

After overcoming an immediate dose of natural shock, we began to appreciate the magnitude of the brutally cliché scene that had just unfolded and realized: This needs to be documented. Lunches at CalSO are teeming with the overconfident and the pleasantly naive, a goldmine of innocent entertainment and soothing nostalgia.

We at the Clog have taken notes and composed a series of overheard (and then continued and embellished) conversations between new Golden Bears meeting each other for the first time.

The Origin Story

“Hey, I’m Amanda. I’m from Southern California.”

“What part of Southern California?”

“You probably haven’t heard of it. … Newport Beach?”

“You’re staying in your home state? Bold. I told my parents I was either going 3,000 miles away or not going at all.”

“Well, Cal was actually my backup school. I got waitlisted at four Ivys. I would have gotten in if my fucking math teacher didn’t sabotage me with his letter of recommendation.”

Then, in a very Dobby-esque fashion, she repeatedly slammed her forehead against her rigid palms.

A Major Ego

“Yeah I’m a computer science and business double major. Might tag on a psychology minor as well.”

“Umm, you can do that?”

“Yeah. You can.

“Also, I feel like Econ 1 is going to be too easy, so I’m taking Econ 100a. Probably chill, right?”

“Definitely.”

“I figure if I keep my GPA around 3.8, I’ll be set for an internship at Google this summer.”

Clubbed Down

“Are you going to join any clubs in the fall?”

“Well my mom was a Kappa, sooooooo …”

Berkeley Time

“Fuck. … I’m 10 minutes late.”

“Nah, dude, you’re on time. The rest of the world is just 10 minutes early.”

Ballin’ Out on Meal Points

“The dining hall was surprisingly good last night! They had that salad bar, fried rice, all that cereal.”

“Yo, someone told me you can get Peet’s with your meal points.”

“Hahaha, I don’t even drink caffeine. I don’t need it.”

“Yeah, well, I’m using all of my meal points on coffee and then I’m going to sell the rest. Chipotle or die.”

“I hear the Asian Ghetto or whatever is really good. We should Uber there tonight.”

Seedy Weedy Behavior

“Oh my gosh, look at this squirrel. He is so cute.”

“Wait, look at him, what the fuck is wrong with him?”

“Wait, he’s coming over here. Oh my God, he’s coming.”

“Move, bruh!”

“He touched my leg! Holy shit! Get off me, you squirrel.”

“That squirrel is fucking stoned, man.”

“Everyone here is fucking stoned.”

“I saw a homeless person on the way to dinner yesterday.”

“When I was at dinner someone told me to take off my shirt! Like, excuse me!”

“Was it red?”

“Maroon.”

“Yeah, that’s a thing here. I’ll explain it later.”

The Realization

“Nice shirt, man. You an athlete?”

“Yeah, I guess I am.”

“Right on. What team?”

“I was captain of my high school lacrosse team.”

(pause)

“Oh, wait, I definitely can’t say I’m an athlete anymore. Wow.”

The Legend of Goff

“We should totally hang out in the fall.”

“We should room together!”

“Is it too late to set that up?”

“I’m not sure. But we have to live in Clark Kerr because that’s where Jared Goff lived. I think.”

“Gofffffffffff.”

“I’m so excited for game days. My high school football team was undefeated, and it was, like, so fun to watch them play.”

“Dude, I visited my brother here last year. The frats and sororities don’t even show up to the games — it’s just a party. And since when does Cal football win games?”

CalSO is just the beginning, new Bears. Enjoy your speculation about life at UC Berkeley before your first computer science project is assigned.

Contact Natalie Silver at [email protected].