‘The Bachelorette’ predictions

the bachelorette
ABC/Courtesy

We’ve been to San Francisco, Pennsylvania, Uruguay and Argentina, and we’re down to four enormous, ripped, beautiful men: Robby, Luke, Chase and Jordan. After the men showed their superlative rapping skills in a ruthless verse about Alex, who we will henceforth call Nick because we refuse to get his name right, he was tragically (or not) eliminated on his much anticipated one-on-one date with Jojo. Standing at a meager four feet, five inches, how could Nick expect to get very far? I mean, Jojo, towering over him, called him “a cute little gaucho” on their date — that’s just ice fucking cold.

And sadly, much beloved by fans (at least the Clog couldn’t get enough), swing-dancin’, country singin’, Clog-verified nicest human being on Earth, James T. was eliminated in an emotional rose ceremony. Like dis if you crie everytim.

Everyone thinks it’s super obvious that Jordan will win, but we think Luke will give him a run for his money. Jordan’s date may have been romantic and it may have ended in a wet, hot kiss, but Jojo can’t keep her sweaty fucking mitts off of Luke every time they’re together. We don’t even want to know what happened off camera in that hot tub in episode four. Jojo has the best situation possible: A bunch of beefcakes all want to make out with her, but we haven’t seen sparks like those between Luke and Jojo since we accidentally lit our stove on fire last week. Jojo, however, drank Jordan’s grape-y foot juice how can you compete with that?

Anyway, what’s going to happen next week? The week after?

Let’s start with Robby and Chase, who are obviously the next two to go home. Robby (aka “Bearded Ken Doll” or “Wandering Eye Robby”) and his unbelievably manicured facial hair won’t make it past hometowns. Here’s how we know: Everything about him screams “crazed nutjob.” His unblinking stare and oft-repeated, unequivocal declaration that he’s “the front-runner,” make us all cringe, just like Jojo does whenever his weirdly uniformly colored beard brushed her cheek.

We all understand that when we watch “The Bachelorette,” we ought to take everything with a grain of salt, so I don’t have too many questions about what goes on off camera. But we at the Clog have one burning question: What the fuck do Chase and Jojo ever talk about? Chase is super hot, he has great hair, but the dude can’t hold a conversation for shit and his emotional range appears to be as varied as a teaspoon’s. His facial expression changed only incrementally when talking about how hilarious it was when James T. shoved 30 fries in his mouth and how uncomfortable he was to have to massage another man. We predict that next week Jojo will simply forget that Chase is even there still. Poor dude.

Jordan is definitely going to win this whole shebang. Jojo is clearly in love with him and we genuinely believe that Jordan is capable of at least having feelings for her even if he’s not totally in love yet. They’re perfect for one another: They’re both conventionally hot, were definitely in the “cool group” in high school and are decently shallow.

What pains us at the Clog is that Luke is the most perfect, complex and thoughtful man on this show, and he should win. While Jordan feels like a petulant child at times and taking into consideration all the allegations of lying and bad intentions, Luke’s maturity and genuine kindness are warm and comforting he’s a real man.

What we’re really trying to say is … Luke, will you marry us?

Sasha Ashall is the blog editor. Contact Sasha Ashall at [email protected].