Having spent most of the past month watching Europe’s best soccer teams battle it out and hearing aptly named English announcer Ian Darke hilariously hate on his home side, saying things to the effect of “If this shocking result against Iceland holds up, the English players are surely headed home to weeks of national humiliation,” we at the Clog have football on the brain. And to celebrate a rousing and successful Euro 2016, we have compiled a super-team.
You won’t earn a spot on this squad for having awesome hair (sorry, Renato Sanches), a confoundingly ambiguous grimace in response to celebration, pain, disappointment or virtually anything (bad news, Cristiano Ronaldo) or even what apparently is the best smelling dingleberry in human history (you’re shit out of luck, Joachim Low). No, to make this elite lineup, well, it’s all in a name.
Here’s the All-Name team of Euro 2016.
Heinz Lindner of Austria: When Austria takes the lead, there’s no way its opponent can — wait for it — ketchup! Just wait, it get’s better.
Răzvan Raţ of Romania: A scrappy player and the master of the offsides trap. You may know him for his ranking between woman and insect in Borat Sagdiyev’s description of his nation’s social hierarchy.
Michael Lang of Switzerland: Isn’t it crazy how someone could put on the most famous festival in the history of rock music and feed through-balls to famed striker Zlatan Ibrahimović. And we thought Gigi Buffon was old!
Christian Fuchs of Austria: You may know him by his nickname, “Gives Zero.”
Marco Parolo of Italy: A great communicator. Fun fact: He’s also great at swimming — with his eyes closed.
Marouane Fellaini of Belgium: Our favorite “marijuan” in the game, though some are a bit partial to Berkeley-born striker Marouane MisDemeanor or Colorado center mid Marouane L’Gal. It’s lit.
David Silva of Spain (not to be confused with Portuguese teammates Rafa and Adrien Silva): Obviously we all share a stellar last name — the only better name would be Ganja Silva. A girl can dream … holla!
Koke of Spain: He’s a terror between the white lines. When he’s not playing international soccer, he stays sharp by playing pickup games with former Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel.
Eiður Guðjohnsen of Iceland: We know it doesn’t sound like much, but he’s kind of a big deal in Iceland as the three last letters of his name “-sen” make him stand out from his 19 other teammates and their three coaches, all of whom have names ending in “-son.” For all we know, he may be the only person in the entire country with such a divergent surname. Perhaps he was an affirmative action selection to the team.
Dániel Böde of Hungary: Three words to the man who shares a name with the original Point Break’s savage antihero, uttered in Keanu Reeves’ ridiculously overacted, yet somehow utterly unconvincing drawl, “Vaya Con Dios.”
Kingsley Coman of France: Somehow this mimics what we hear every time No. 22 goes to the free throw line at Haas Pavilion. “Kingsley, come on!” Sorry.
Didier Deschamps of France: Well, at least host nation France came out of this tourney with one “champ.”
Antonio Conte of Italy: Surprisingly, he’s not the Ireland coach. But if he were, Rebecca’s dad would surely tell her to not speak of him while visiting Berkeley.
Contact Natalie Silver at [email protected].