How to display your superiority

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Hannah Cooper/Staff

Let’s face it, you’re better than everyone else. It’s okay, you don’t have to be humble here. We won’t judge you for thinking you’re the GOAT. The present issue is not deducing whether or not we are better than everyone around us, but rather how to remind others of our obvious position above them. Have no fear, we at the Clog are here to offer you a few simple and effective strategies to remind other lowly serfs of your superiority.

For starters, you should make a point to walk past people on the side walk in a huff. The key here is to flat tire the Birkenstocks in front of you right before you jet past the slow pokes in front of you. Be sure not to apologize for this atrocity while you leave the losers in the dust. Basically, be the side walk equivalent of that jerk on the freeway that purposefully goes out of their way to change lanes four times to get past one slow car.

The next opportunity for exemplifying your world domination is in discussion section. Make it your sole purpose in life to not let anybody else speak for the entire 50 minutes. Anyone with opposing, or even similar views, must be quelled the second they open their mouth. Nay, shut that down before they can even form a thought that they could attempt to verbalize. You’re doing a favor by enlightening these poor lost souls with your vast well of wisdom. Blatantly ignore your GSI’s polite suggestion that you step back and give others a chance to speak. Clearly they didn’t get the memo that this is your world and everyone else is just living in it. How embarrassing for them. Luckily, you’re also graciously compassionate, so you can look the other way to give them mercy in their time of shame.

Finally, talk about your health and fitness accomplishments as your groupies eat pizza for the third time in three days. Be sure to mention how great of a workout you got in in the morning while they were still asleep. Promptly follow that up by humbly bragging about that nutritious robot-produced quinoa concoction you had for lunch. Feel free to wince in disgust as they reach for their second piece. If you’re feeling particularly kind, firmly rebuke their choices and mention their cholesterol in concern. The next time someone falls ill and turns to you for support, simply inform them of how they brought the whole situation upon themselves. Mention their appalling sleep schedules and even more atrocious dietary habits. If they still can’t see the error in their ways, you can comfort them by explaining that some people are just inherently weaker than you are. Heck, everyone is weaker than you are. They’ll thank you later.

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].