How to find love at a frat party

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Hannah Cooper/Staff

If you’re about to reach the point where you have to resort to Tinder to find a significant other, don’t worry, kind reader, for you have other options. We at the Clog have thought of a guide to help poor souls like you find love on the sweaty, over-crowded dance floor at a frat party.

Once you spot the person you want to be the love of your life for the night, slowly approach them and show them how impressive it is that you can double fist. After they are blown away by this skill, say “So, what’s your minor?” This will make them think that you’re unique for not asking about their major, yet also show that you have high expectations for them by expecting them to have a minor. If they don’t have a minor, laugh charmingly and say, “Well, I have three”.

Five minutes into the conversation, ask them if they want to see the roof of the frat during a bass drop. This is an ideal time because there will be so many humans doing the same exact up-and-down jumping to the beat that your future love will have to say yes to you in order to escape the insufferable heat of the dance floor.

While on the roof, make sure you talk about how many majors and minors you have again so that they think you’re the smartest person they’ve ever met. If you’re feeling ambitious, you could even drop something like, “I’ve only been single for so long because I’ve been focusing on my academics,” on them.

Although at this point in your relationship it’s too early for a proposal, you could still show your affection by doing the next best thing and offering them an article of stolen frat clothing. If you really like them, maybe even give them a stolen composite.

If none of this works, we guess you’re back to being single so you can focus on your academics. Better luck next frat party. Do you know a brother?

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].