An open letter to Evans Hall

Michaela Swensen/File
Michaela Swensen/File
Michaela Swensen/File

Dear Evans Hall,

We at the Clog are sorry that you’re a such a massive blemish on the face of UC Berkeley. It must be tough to be the armpit of the number one public university in the world. On the off chance that you’ve forgotten how much you suck, here’s a friendly reminder:

For starters, the lack of windows in your classrooms and lecture halls is just depressing. The asylum vibes that you give off are both disturbing and distractin because it’s hard to focus while we’re waiting for the season two cast of “American Horror Story” to pop up around the corner.

Your abysmal absence of windows may contribute to the fact that any trace of circulation in your shoe box lecture halls is as extinct as the woolly mammoth. To say that it’s stuffy inside of Evans 10 would be a gross understatement. The stale air inside of your lecture halls is thicker than the tension during last week’s debate.

If you farted in the fourth seat of the third row during Friday’s lecture, you’d be forced to relive it all over again on Monday. Similarly, if the person that sat in your seat four weeks prior was in need of a shower, every person who sits in that seat for the rest of time will get to experience that pungent body odor as well.

The layout and numbering of your classrooms is unnecessarily misleading. In terms of campus superlatives, Dwinelle Hall has “most confusing” in the bag, so we’re not sure why you’re even barking up that tree. It would be great if you could get your poop in a group and organize the classrooms in a logical order.

As long as we’re discussing what a let down you are in comparison to other halls on campus, it’s worth mentioning how much of a loser you are in terms of interior decoration. Moffitt classrooms are a lovely shade of blue with wall hangings and luxurious, cushioned chairs. Barrows Hall classrooms are always bathed in glorious sunlight, and the views from the top floors are Snapchat story worthy. And then there’s lonely little you, just a depressing cardboard box that crushes our dreams.

Your neighbor, Hearst Mining Building is blowing you out of the water in the appearance category. Not to mention the fact that Campbell Hall has a freaking nebula on the ceiling as well as the nicest bathrooms in the tri-county area. In comparison, you’re that house in the cul de sac that little kids avoid out of fear and moms shame during book club meetings.

Don’t even get us started on your aesthetic. Absolutely terrible. We’re not asking for overpriced string lights from Urban Outfitters, or festive rugs in every classroom. Honestly, anything that would distract from the fact that we’re stuck inside a moldy loaf of bread.

We’re not even sure what department Evans Hall is designated for, that’s how badly nobody wants to be associated with you.

Your lecture chairs are uncomfortable, you’ve got a poor seismic rating and the filter at your water bottle station is forever stuck on red.

Even your snapchat filter is ugly.

Sincerely,

The Clog

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].