The classes that should be taught

waitlisted
Sasha Ashall/Staff

At UC Berkeley, there are many interesting classes taught, from Drugs and the Brain to Philosophy of Language. However, practical classes that teach you how to properly be an adult are often missing from the yearly curriculum. So, we here at the Clog decided to think of useful classes that will help all of you get through life.

How to bamboozle your way off the waitlist

This class would automatically place everyone enrolled onto the waitlist. Next, a survival of the fittest competition would ensue, where only the people who could successfully get off the waitlist by the end of the semester would get an A. Class lessons would include how to suck up to a professor, how to trick CalCentral and how to get the administration to let you waitlist more classes than you’re supposed to.

How to find affordable housing without losing your mind

With this class, you won’t have to join every “Free and For Sale” group in the existence of the planet. This class will teach you how to find an apartment that is close to campus, fully furnished, under $50 a month, has nice roommates, no creaky floorboards, a trapdoor for your one night stand and unlimited fruit.

How to properly say “Hi” to people

In this class, you will learn the exact distance at which you need to lift your head to make eye contact with an approaching acquaintance. You will also learn how to wave properly while still listening to music. Additionally, there will be a lesson on learning authentic responses to “How are you?” so that you seem original and chill.

How to find a job

The eternal question: What will we delinquents do after college? After taking this course, you will learn how to do well in interviews, how to dress business casual without looking like a potato and how to make a lot of money while doing something that you love.

So, after taking all of these classes, we hope UC Berkeley can give you the higher education you came here to pursue. We will finally have one up on all the other human beings out there in this rat race. Go Bears, go rats!

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].