Everyone has their happy place. For granola crunchers, it’s up a tree in the Sierras with bald eagle poop running down their back. For electrical engineering and computer science majors, it’s anywhere outside the walls of Cory Hall on a Friday night. For us at the Clog, it’s the hallowed halls of Trader Joe’s. We think that it’s high time we properly confess our one true love for the only grocery store in our life.
Dear Trader Joe’s,
Some poor souls may view you as just another grocery store, but you’re so much more than just another stop and shop. You’re the holy land for lunch snacks and indulgent impulse purchases, the master of frozen meals and commander of produce. From your friendly staff to bargain prices, you’re the closest thing to perfection in this imperfect world.
Dunkin’ Donuts or Krispy Kreme, Pepsi or Coke, McDonalds or Burger King, no brand loyalty could ever match our commitment to you. You’re the only name brand in our lives and hearts, and the only one that we’ll ever need. You provide us with our bi-monthly vegetable to stave off vitamin deficiencies. Your contents literally give us life, and we would never even think about cheating on you with that needy Safeway down the street.
Don’t think that we don’t know about your dirty side. You know what we’re talking about. The variety of chocolate-covered everything that you offer is more attractive than Brad Pitt circa 1995. Those sweets you have sprinkled around the store are impossible to resist. Coating caramel in dark chocolate is just not playing fair. The way you tease us with those bonbons and endless jars of cookie butter makes our knees weak. That personal sheet cake you’re offering by the dairy products is too much for our weak will power.
Your sample section has helped us realize our unfulfilled dreams in life. Without you, we’d never know how incomplete we were without sweet potato gnocchi and pumpkin cinnamon rolls. Our life was just a sad pit of despair before you introduced us to a new world of flavors and saturated fats. We will be forever indebted for the enlightenment you have bestowed upon us by means of taste tests.
The only thing we admire more than your poppin’ sample section is your dedication to diversity. The homie Trader Jose hooks it up with flavors south of the border, while Trader Darwin deals vitamins and health supplements to ensure that we are fit for survival. Trader Giotto lets us escape to the coast of Italy, and Trader Ming provides chow mein that makes us want to chow some more. Who needs to study abroad when we can travel the world through your frozen entrée selection?
Science has yet to prove why soups taste better from you boxes, but one thing is for certain. You are the only one we want.
We’ll love you until death, or 51B delays, do us part.
Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].