This election season has been fraught with gaff after gaff and controversy after controversy on both sides of the isle. From sleepy Ben Carson insisting he stabbed “a close relative” to jaundiced Donald Trump assuring us that there’s “no problem” with his penis, the 2016 presidential election has been a wild, wild ride. And somehow we’ve forgotten so many of the ridiculous tweets, videos, comments and pictures that have made the past year and a half so special and educational. Here at the Clog, we’ve learned some vital lessons about not only our beloved candidates, but also life itself. Here are some of our favorites:
- Use separate email servers. Just do it.
- Don’t tell people you’d date your daughter.
- You don’t have to brush your hair for people to like you.
- Birds are Democrats.
- What Joe Biden’s mouth can do.
- Barack Obama knows exactly what he’s doing.
- Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer.
- Bill Clinton fucking loves balloons.
- Don’t grab anyone by the pussy.
- The first sentence Ted Cruz’s daughter Caroline ever said was “I like butter.”
- If you’re a woman asking critical questions of a man you probably have blood coming out of your “wherever.”
- Be nice to your college roommates.
- You can’t trust guys with small hands.
- You can go from being leader of the pack to running off the track in no time at all, and you can waste millions of dollars while doing it.
- Michelle Obama is our kween.
- Michelle Obama is also Melania Trump’s kween.
- Hillary Clinton has “watched a lot of cats do a lot of weird and interesting things.”
- No one calls Tim Kaine “Lil’ Kaine.”
- Being a legacy can only get you so far.
- Sometimes you just have to ask nicely for positive feedback.
- Martin O’Malley is hot. Still not sure what his policies are though.
- Joe Biden belongs in Berkeley.
The most important lesson we’ve learned during this election, though, is that nobody’s perfect. When you enter the polls today we encourage you to forget the scandals and the one-liners, the cow-shaped butter sculptures and bald eagle attacks and try to focus on policy. In an election that has been overwhelmed with side-by-sides of Ted Cruz and the Zodiac Killer sketch, foraging for the finer points of foreign policy of our candidates has been bumped to the backseat (perhaps even thrown in the trunk). But whatever you do, please exercise your right to vote.
Happy Election Day, Bears!
Sasha Ashall is the assistant blog editor. Contact Sasha Ashall at [email protected].