What squirrels think of anti-Trump protests

squirrel_eepstein_ss
Ethan Epstein/File

Dear humans,

It’s so awesome that you’re expressing your political views, but where are we supposed to go when you’ve got Sproul Plaza all blockaded? Do you understand how difficult it is to collect acorns and Golden Bear Cafe crumbs for your squirrel family when there’s no space to get to and from your burrow? All this yelling is also getting really hard on our tiny ears, and our tails have been stepped on left and right (talk to Stumpy about this one). This letter is not intended to undermine these human struggles, but we don’t know what to do!

We heard that you guys are upset about some guy named Donald Trump. Honestly, we have no idea who the heck that is; all we know is he brings us famine. We notice that with no happy students, no one is feeding us or leaving us leftovers. So for this, we are not happy about the outcomes of this so-called “election.”

Honestly, with all of these students not in their classrooms, out in the walkways and crowding Sproul, we have nowhere to lurk. We liked campus a lot better when we only had to share the sidewalk with the humans every 50 minutes. The worst part is that we don’t have the campus spotlight anymore. Not to sound like a ham, but its fun being the star of thousands of Snapchat stories and Facebook feeds daily. But with the outcome of this election, no one cares about posting an adorable photo of a squirrel anymore.

All we want to say is that we hope UC Berkeley settles down sometime soon or else we have to go migrate to Stanford. Oh yeah, we went there. From a non-political squirrel stance, if you’re gonna protest, please bring snacks. We stand in solidarity with you.

Sincerely,

Berkeley squirrels

Contact Allison David at [email protected].