Everyone loves a classic rivalry. Batman vs. Superman. Coke vs. Pepsi. And, the holy grail of them all, Cal vs. Stanford. The snobs of Stanfurd may think that switching out the “o” for the “u” in their school’s name is a juvenile move, but as a “junior” university, the real question is, who’s the true juvenile here? From their minuscule Hoover Tower in comparison to our larger and far superior Campanile, to their sad joke of a mascot (really, a tree?), it’s clear who emerges victorious in this rivalry: the No. 1 public university in the world — something that Leland Stanfurd Junior University (better known as LSJU), a school populated by proud proponents of GPA inflation, could never say about itself. Now that it’s almost time for the Big Game, we at the Clog have come up with a list of insults to serve up to your Stanfurdian enemies to show your superiority as they make their way into Memorial Stadium this Saturday.
- Yell “Stan-F-U-rd!” at them. Don’t forget the necessary hand gestures.
- Ask them what it’s like living in Shallow Alto.
- Ask them why they attend a school made up of a collection of Taco Bells. Seriously, think about it. Stanfurd basically has the architectural style of a Taco Bell. If you really want to lay one on them, ask them what they’re studying — perhaps they’re majoring in Doritos Locos Tacos with a minor in — or side of — Guac.
- If you’re feeling a little sing-songy, try this new take on a classic tune:
“Leland Stanfurd had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.
And on this farm he built a school, e-i-e-i-o.
With a snob, snob here, and a snob, snob there,
Here a snob, there a snob, everywhere a snob, snob.
Leland Stanfurd had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.”
- Ask them how junior college is going. Suggest transferring to UC Berkeley once their two years are up.
- Ask them if they’ve ever seen an element called “Stanfordium” on the periodic table. When they say no, you’ll respond with: “Exactly.”
- The Play. ‘Nuff said.
- Remind them that their band is a weird cultish anti-band that is forced to play the drums on old water jugs and rusty sinks, and is literally ban(ne)d from away games. Be sure to add that it was the Cal Band, not the Rusty-Sink-and-Water-Jug Band, that played at Super Bowl 50. I’m sorry, Stanfurd Band Geeks. Have YOU performed with Beyoncé?
- Throw some shade at their mascot. We love to make fun of Oski, but it’s all fun and games because he’s a fearsome and stylish mascot. Do you know who’s really creepy and weird looking? The Stanford Tree. We don’t know why its mascot is a tree, but we do know that it looks like someone switched out the “Potato” part of Mr. Potato Head for a sad, scrappy-looking tree. What if there’s a forest fire?
- Ask them how much money their parents waved in front of the admissions counselor to get them accepted.
- Ask them how those spoon-fed As taste. We’re guessing they taste a little spoiled.
- Ask them about the skills they learned at college when they received those “hard-earned” grades. No, online shopping doesn’t count.
Go Bears and beat Stanfurd!
Contact Chloe Lelchuk at [email protected].